Your heart is racing. Your temperature is rising. You feel your face becoming flushed with all shades of pinks and reds. You feel those fluttering butterflies in your stomach. You feel that feeling of excitement that you swore to yourself you wouldn’t allow yourself to feel again. You feel like a teenager in high school when your crush walks through the door. You haven’t felt these feelings in years; yet here they are, crashing over you like a tidal wave. You find yourself daydreaming in the middle of the day, and smiling at just the mere thought of him….

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

Whoa! Slow down bitch. He’s no different than the rest.
Keep that heart of yours in shackles and keep those walls strong. You don’t want history to keep repeating itself do you? Every time you’ve let someone in, they’ve done nothing but disappoint, use and hurt you! Why would you even consider giving anyone else a chance? Just so they can do the same??? Don’t let these feelings you’re feeling take over. You’re just lonely. You’ll get over it. You always do. It’s better to be alone than to have to worry about someone making you look like a fool. I understand all you’ve ever wanted was someone to do the same for you as you do for them. Have the same loyalty. The Same honesty. But not everyone has the same heart as you. Those people are hard to find, and you my love, don’t have the best track record of picking men. You give chances to the ones who are the least deserving of one. Listen. I know they tell you everything you want to hear. THEY ALL DO. I mean, how many times have you heard “I’m different. I’m not like the rest?” It’s all bullshit. All of it. They are all the same. It’s bred into them. It’s instinct to them. No man is genuine. No man will take care of you the way you take care of him. No man will be faithful and honest with you!!!!! Ever. So those feelings you’re feeling? Squash em. Squash them NOW. Do not give in and make yourself vulnerable again. Don’t tell him what you’re feeling. He will use your  feelings against you and you will get hurt. Like always. At what point do you just give up? Just throw in the towel? Wave the white flag? You’ve been defeated, lied to, cheated on… broken. What’s left standing after all that is a ramshackle of a woman. What’s left of her anyway.. trying to stay steady with what she has left to stand on. She resembles a house after it’s been through a hurricane. Half the shingles are torn off, and what’s left flap in the wind. The curtains are torn and muddy, glass windows broken, shudders broken and hanging on by a thread… but the house is still standing…. but scared to death of going through another hurricane… because this house won’t make it though another one as is. She’s barely hanging on now. So this house wants to keep what she has left, as broken and wobbly as it may be. She will rebuild… but the walls will be much stronger this time around. She knows that a hurricane can’t be avoided. But she can be prepared enough to make sure it doesn’t tear her down like it did last time. Walls are thicker, stronger, and higher. The devil can come knockin’, but you don’t have to let him in.

Enough is enough. Just remember what it felt like laying on the bathroom floor. The only sound you hear is your own whimper as you beat yourself up for doing it again. You stare down at your reflection in your own  puddle of tears you’ve  left on the floor and watch them ripple as another tear falls down to join them. Questioning your worth. Asking yourself what YOU did wrong? HELL NO. Enough is enough girl. You don’t want to go back to that place again. I know you keep telling yourself “maybe this one is for real. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’s the one that’ll lite me on fire”…Never rely on maybe’s. So that fire of yours that you think he’s going to spark back to life… no darlin’… you lite your own fire… no more risk taking. The excitement is only temporary and it will end badly.. as it always does. As bad as you want a safe place to fall, a warm spot to rest your head, and loving arms to keep you safe… all that doesn’t have to come from a man. You can find all those things in finding your own peace. Do you girl. Just do you, and shine. Only person that’ll take care of you is you. Remember that.