“The desire for more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience.” 

– Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F**k

This quote perfectly summarizes the emotional loop we all get caught up in.

You know, the loop that starts with a subtle shitty feeling we don’t want to feel.

And because we don’t want to feel it, our mind jumps in like the eager helper it always is to convince us why that feeling is not “real” or that there is something “better” to feel.

The “I feel lonely…” BUT I have so many friends!

The “I feel sad…” BUT look at all the beautiful things I have in my life!

The “I feel overwhelmed…” BUT it’s really not THAT much, is it? I mean look at everyone else handling the same things with such grace!

You see, the gap between how we expect ourselves to feel vs. how we really feel is where we fuck it up.

The loop usually continues until we hit a tipping point.

Usually if we’re lucky, loved ones or friends will mirror to us what we are resisting and we will move through it with support.

If we’re not lucky, we can get stuck for DAYS or YEARS in the perpetual cycle of escape, shame, and regret, leading to chronic pain, illness, and a lifetime of numbing avoidance.

There’s a simple way to short-circuit this loop.

To acknowledge how we feel transparently without the ‘story’ and to honor it with love & compassion.

The ‘story’ is the meaning-making part of our mind that wants to analyze and come up with the 5 reasons we are feeling sad. This process can often take us away from experiencing the emotion itself and worse yet can lead us to panic about every decision in our life.

It’s important to remember that emotions don’t have to MEAN anything. You don’t have to attach a story to justify how you feel. 

The reasons why you feel what you feel is NOT important, but feeling them regardless, IS.

Instead of pressuring ourselves with how we SHOULD be feeling or trying to solve our feelings, we need to learn to name our feelings and relax into them.

We can practice releasing our judgments around what we consider as “negative” emotions like sadness, regret, jealousy by doing this simple exercise.

State how you feel as a matter of fact and just be with it.

“I feel sad.”

“I feel grateful.”

“I feel numb.”

“I feel anxious.”

Then follow it with “and that’s okay.” or “and I love you.”

Find whatever words that communicate love and compassion towards yourself and let yourself receive it.

This essential practice helps us cultivate more awareness and over time allows emotions to move through and transform with much more ease.

Because that’s what emotions are! Energy in motion.

There is nothing to fix or do, just embrace their natural movements and allow them to come and go.

To hold space for what is present is the most loving thing we can do for ourselves. 

When we practice accepting the full spectrum of our feelings we can be fluid and free from being consumed by them.

None of this is revolutionary.

These are truths we already know…

As children, our nature was to feel and release.

To accept what IS wasn’t something we had to think about.

It’s not until we’ve been hurt or traumatized that we no longer feel safe to FEEL.

We learn to dissociate and bypass.

But by numbing our pain we also numb our joy.

To reverse these defenses and coping mechanism, we have to unlearn and reparent ourselves.

Starting from acknowledging our somatic reality in each moment and taking emotional responsibility.

To show you in practice what it looks like, here’s an example from my morning the other day.

I woke up feeling empty and disconnected from the world. My impulse after turning off my alarm was to check social media to scroll away this subtle feeling.

But for a second I put the phone down and stayed with the discomfort instead.

I named out loud the emotion underneath, “I’m feeling lonely” and let myself acknowledge it.

I then felt pain in my heart and I let myself cry.

I held myself and said “It’s okay to feel lonely, you are doing great.”

Afterward, I listened to what the feeling desired and I called up a friend.

I shared rawly about how I felt and the pain in my chest.

I was met with love & a deeper sense of connection with myself and with her.

Then my body relaxed in tenderness.

I felt grateful for life, growth and all the people in my life.

I remembered that I chose this path intentionally and that it is always up to me to create my reality in each moment.

To me, this is the essential journey of being human.

How we deal with ourselves in negativity speaks louder than any spiritual trophies we have.

Sometimes the most loving thing is to grant ourselves the permission to say “wow life sucks right now” or “you know what, I AM feeling shitty/exhausted/depressed/overwhelmed/angry.”

To meet our emotions head on without suppressing or exaggerating them is the ultimate self-care.

Welcoming the tears, the grief, the numbness, the rage.

Because beneath it all, there is a message…

A wisdom from the body that is speaking, yearning to reconnect with you.

You can try this simple and powerful exercise today.

By yourself or with a friend, find a few minutes to just acknowledge what you are feeling in the moment.

Verbalize and share it out loud by starting with “I’m feeling…” and keep coming back to speaking every feeling that arises.

Observe how it feels to share it out loud before and after.

You can repeat this practice whenever you feel disconnected with yourself.

Let me know about your experience in the comments!