Aloha everyone! So lately I’ve been on this very deep and sometimes uncomfortable journey to  search for myself. A search for Zack Stewart, I guess you could say, a person perhaps I lost long ago. It was simply time to try and find him again.

For some people our search happens in different interval. Events throughout our lifetime start to stack up and finally the levy breaks, and there has to eventually be a personal discovery or even an intervention of sorts.

As I write this please know that if one person benefits from this and gains strength then I will go to bed a happy person. Furthermore, many of you have important lives and responsibilities, and I would never expect you to read something of this length, especially on Facebook! ?

So… This is a purely optional read.. I find writing very therapeutic so perhaps this is why I embark on this dissertation. So many of you that know me close, know that I’m pretty blunt, I’m loving, I care deeply about my family and inner circle and of course Hawaii. I love Jiu Jitsu, reggae music, Buddhism/spirituality/ meditation, and I care a lot about people.. As I wrote these words I realize this may be sort of a letter to myself in retrospect. 

Fact of the matter is though I’ve spent a large majority of my life never feeling good enough. Living like a fraud. A large majority of the time growing up I simply couldn’t fulfill certain human beings in my life. Ended up with divorced parents and not knowing many of my grandparents to the degree I would have liked, due to family history of divorces. 

Simply put.. Papa hit him, mamma kissed him, made him go to catechism, with the sisters in their black and white. While all the times those city streets were teaching him another kind of wisdom. When to run and when to fight. That was it. So how did this manifest within me?

Well first it started with my overly dedicated time to my appearance. My clothes, skin, my tall hair, my teeth ,my body. Then it lead into athletics and working out which became an obsession. From there I went and obtained 4 degrees. All of which didn’t necessarily assist me in getting to where I am today. Then it lead to seeking validation with girls and relationships. All the while I was simply obtaining temporary satisfaction. I’m talking down to the cleanliness of my car, my house you name it. I had to appear “put together”.

While I was successful with women from an appearance and physical aspect, I was not long term love material. That required being healthy inside, and it required being able to trust someone.

I was on a reality show where I acted like a complete jackass. Sadly some people took to me as a character. However, I was a deeply hurt and insecure 21 year old. I can tell you this. Nothing is more eye opening then watching yourself on tv! Not fun!! I was perfect for producers because I wore everything on my sleeve.

At this point I dealt with the rollercoaster of post reality TV life. That created even more social anxiety for me. Deep down I felt everything was a lie. The whole persona. I actually really was wanting love and companionship and I wasn’t this Alpha male personality deep down at my core. I was actually a loving island boy in my heart, but that meant vulnerability, and that was an avenue for possibly getting hurt. No way I would ever expose that side of myself.

As time moved on I got married. I experienced the joy of becoming a father for the first time and of course it was a baby girl! Her name was Leinani. I absolutely adored her, and my whole perspective changed. I felt that I needed to show her what she deserved from a man. It forced me to look at things differently. 

So here is a part of my life that I would like to share with my Fire Department family. I know at times I may travel or perhaps might be away a lot. There are reasons for this. 

The day my daughter passed I was on shift in Fountain Hills. I pulled up in a Battalion rig driven by Randy Roberts. A retired Phoenix firefighter. We pulled up to Shea hospital to see 5 men sitting on the bumper of an Engine with sober looks on their face. My reality sank in. Yet my firefighter also kicked in and like most of us, I said no! She’s alive! This is my blood! This is my DNA! She will fight! She will live!

As I walked in those doors I was met by a woman in a white over coat. She placed her hand on my should and simply nodded no. I felt my soul, my spirit leave my body. Zack Stewart was officially dead. Things before in my life definitely started the process, but this completed it. My family wasn’t in Arizona and I now had to go face my wife in the back room knowing that this could be the end for us as well. Fear of abandonment my old familiar friend.

Sadly after this I associated my loss with work. I wish I could explain it better. The fact that I myself was a firefighter and had zero control over the life of my own beloved first child… Complete and utter helplessness. I felt like I had zero control of anything and I felt like I failed as a father. My job as a man was to protect my family. 

For whatever reason moving forward I carried that with me into every fire station I walked into. My sadness and association with that day for some reason transpired to work. I just want all the tremendous people that I work with to know that I love you and I hope maybe now you can understand me a little more. If at anytime I wasn’t ever super social, my hope is you will forgive me. I’ll continue to try my best!

I want to thank the Phoenix Fire Department for putting Ray Mercado into my life at that time. Ray was my first Captain there and when I was dying inside he had me laughing. Ray also lost a child. In fact a 19 year old son. It was divine intervention. I’ll never forget one day in Maryvale he saw a man on the corner and told me it was his father. Tears filled my eyes as I could tell he was hurting. It explained why he was a master at comedy and joking with people. Inside he was hurt like I was. 

I’m so thankful the last time I saw him alive was a big loving hug and an invite to a BBQ at his house. I never saw him again before he died. His funeral was one of the hardest I had attended to this date. I loved him like an uncle.  So thank you for bringing him into my life PFD! I will always appreciate those moments forever.

Moving on my marriage as expected ended. Divorce for parents that lose children is an astonishing 95%. My ex-wife Amanda is a tremendous person. Neither of us did anything wrong. However, one day your in love next day tragedy strikes and you don’t know each other anymore. Sometimes instead of hugging each other and walking away, you start reaching for excuses of why things are different now. No one did anything wrong.. It’s hard to explain. Only those that have experienced this can really have a true understanding. 

So there I was one night lying in bed. Many nights I cried myself to sleep. We had a second daughter (Kumiko) before our divorce. I was now alone again. I’d lay in bed missing my family. I’d miss my daughter and I’d wonder what the hell just happened this last 5 years or so. I lost God. I didn’t believe in anything anymore, and once again I didn’t feel good enough. I felt that even though I was fully involved in my beautiful daughters life, had a tremendous co-parent relationship, I still felt like I lost everything and I took on blame for whatever reason for the failures. 

I would lay in bed night after night. I got on one of the most respected fire departments in the country at a time when they hadn’t hired in years. I got on not having any family on the job and competed for 1 of 13 jobs out of thousands of applicants. I had four degrees. I had a beautiful daughter, I became a paramedic and an accomplished Jiu Jitsu athlete, a nationally certified paramedic, I drove a million dollar apparatus with 4 lives on it. Not to mention with loving and giving human beings with families of their own that cherished them. I was trusted with these responsibilities and these lives. Still, here I was feeling not good enough. 

So from the time of my divorce there was a 5 year gap of being alone. Reeling from my losses. Trying to find my belief system and who I was. In that time I accepted some people that in my heart I knew weren’t right for me, but my loneliness and feeling of shame allowed me to accept things that many wouldn’t. I’ve always had that “fixer” mentality. How ironic right? I’m broken myself!

Fear of losing more loved ones had me in relationships that weren’t ideal. I would gravitate to women that had tough events in their life and I felt I could save them. This was ridiculous cause I was the one who probably needed saving most! 

One of these women I loved very deeply, and I went in knowing she had way too much stuff that I should be taking on. However, she looked like my mother and loved like my father (which is an in depth comment) and that was oddly comforting. I hope this makes some sense. She was the first in a long time that I ended up deeply trusting, and boy did I get hurt. Too much detail for an already extremely long post, but I saw the flags and I simply wanted to believe otherwise. 

Lovers come into your life in all different forms. Some are logical and safe. Some are completely wrong. Some just down right excite your ass and light every bit of life in your soul. That was her.. However, some of the most exciting humans have the most going on inside. She simply couldn’t believe she was good enough, and that came out in many different forms throughout the relationship. Primarily through sabotage. She simply didn’t feel she was deserving of goodness and man I could relate. I literally worshipped this girl. She got the best version of myself I’ve ever given anyone. I thought about what I needed most at my worst times and that was unconditional love. So what did I do? I pulled out all stops, and tried to provide that for her. However, you can’t make someone receive love or believe they deserve it.

I still suffer from this loss and probably always will. The childhood similarities along with the ones I mentioned above allowed me to drop my guard for her. Not wanting to lose more people I loved, fear of abandonment, tolerating subpar treatment, sound familiar? Does this story have a theme to anyone yet?

So here we are. Finally getting to the heart of why I’m writing this. Many are probably thinking, dude why don’t you go tell this to a professional? ? Trust me guys I have, and do! It’s constantly a work in progress. I’ve suffered some major losses. The funny thing about life is that it doesn’t stop for anyone. So while I was gaining traction, of course new events transpired!

So my point of writing all this is simply to tell you one thing. If anyone is out there not feeling good enough, I want you to remember something. The feelings that were instilled in you had nothing to do with you! I’ll say it again. Anyone that made you feel like you didn’t matter had deep stuff going on within themselves and you have to understand that. Are we perfect? Hell no! However, don’t walk around feeling like you don’t matter! You are good how are you are! We can always work to make that package even better, but not to a point where your doing it for others!

It’s sad because I see a lot of people today that do things like dress a certain way or act and say things which are deep cries for help. I hurt for these people. I’ve been there. I mean I was on a damn TV show acting like a moron! ? (the only good thing was it was entertaining, which I believe is the purpose of reality tv.? ? Got one thing right!!!

So in this lifetime I’ve walked around feeling like a King without a crown. Funny because as much as I would look in the mirror you think I would have seen the crown on my head. It was always there.. 

So with that I’ll leave you with a verse from a song by Matisyahu which I feel was written specifically for me. Please know your loved and tomorrow is a new day. Feel free to reach out if you need me! My hope is that someone out there can relate to this and gain some new perspective! I’ll always have to work on things, but recognition is a huge part of fixing! As always #livealoha???  Sincerely, Zack S (Flyin Hawaiian)

King Without a Crown- Matisyahu

Strippin’ away the layers and reveal your soul

Got to give yourself up and then you become whole

You’re a slave to yourself and you don’t even know

You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow

If you’re trying to stay high, bound to stay low

You want God but you can’t deflate your ego

If you’re already there then there’s nowhere to go

If your cup’s already full then its bound to overflow

If you’re drowning in the waters and you can’t stay afloat

Ask God for mercy, and he’ll throw you a rope

You’re looking for help from God you say he couldn’t be found

Searching up to the sky and looking beneath the ground

Like a King without his Crown

You keep fallin’ down

You really want to live but can’t get rid of your frown

Tried to reach unto the heights and wound bound down on the ground

Given up your pride and then you heard a sound

Out of night comes day and out of day comes light

Nullified to the One like sunlight in a ray

Makin’ room for his love and a fire gone blaze