There is such a minuscule amount of people who can understand the never-ending dread of merely getting out of bed most days, when all I want to do is disappear into the oblivion. But that’s Depression for ya. Some have gone through it temporarily, like when a loved one passes, or you go thru an ugly break-up. For me, it’s been the past 20 years of my life. The anger & the resentments from my past that haunt me, control me, how they completely take over my soul – like a demon trying to tear through me. I’m expected to function like a “normal” human being in this shit society, but all I want to do is scream, cry, and crawl in a hole. People see someone so “full of life” and confident, because that’s what I want to show the world. However, in reality, I can’t even focus for 10 minutes without the gloom-ridden thoughts circling through my mind like a racer on a racetrack, going and going until I feel physically nauseous, or my head starts to pound. I need others to be oblivious to my being on the verge of breaking down at any given moment; using every bit of strength I have, my only focus is on keeping anyone from seeing me as weak, or treating me vulnerablely. Everyone tells me I come off so “strong” and “happy,” but in my reality, I’m just a tenuous victim of my past; that no matter how hard I try, I eventually end up back to where my anxiety and depression take control over my mind & life completely. I’ve lost jobs I loved, good people I care about, and SO MUCH goddamn time in my life by living in fear; of not feeling good enough, pretty enough, smart enough…

I’m working extremely hard EVERY day to break the cycle. Even though some people’s expectations of a functioning adult may not seem like much with what I am doing, but it’s a hell of a lot better than giving up. I FIGHT every damn day to not let my depression kill me! So when I say that I’m taking it one day at a time, it means that I’m just trying to survive at this point in my life – for my daughters & myself.

One. Day. At a time.