No matter who you are or where you came from, at least one bad thing has happened to you in your past. No childhood is perfectly protected from trauma. Maybe what happened to you wasn’t bad enough to make headlines, but then again, maybe it was. Whatever happened, it most likely taught you the lesson early in life that the world is not a perfect place.

Perfectionism

Different people respond to trauma in different ways. Some who have a traumatic experience in childhood respond by becoming a perfectionist, certain that if they just try harder and do better, they can ensure that everything will be okay. They buy into the illusion of control, that if they can just do everything perfectly, they can stop future trauma from impacting them and their loved ones. And while some claim that perfectionism is a positive trait, after all, what’s wrong with always striving to be the very best of the best? The truth is that perfectionism is a negative behavior pattern because no human is perfect, we all slip up and make mistakes. Expecting perfection from one’s self or any other person is a recipe for disappointment. This kind of thinking can lead to eating disorders, physical and mental burnout, not to mention the possibility addiction to either performance-enhancing substances when physical limitations win out over mental stamina or to other substances to numb the pain of inevitable failure.

Self-negation

Another response to trauma is the opposite of perfectionism. This is the world of self-blame, self-disgust, and self-negation. This path often leads far more quickly and directly to substance abuse and addiction, along with other behaviors that can put past victims into situations that make them particularly vulnerable to future abuse. Just to be clear, no victim is ever to blame for their own abuse. The only person ever to blame for abuse is the person who chooses to abuse another human being. But just as abusing substances blunts the pain, it also dulls everything else, including natural intuition and the ability to carefully consider and make wise decisions in one’s own best interest.

Shame

One of the most insidious aspects of childhood trauma and abuse is the deep sense of self-annihilating shame that victims often feel after the incident and continue to carry throughout their lives. This is particularly true when the abuse remains hidden, shrouded in silence and secrecy, for years after the fact.

In an interview with Oprah Winfrey, shame researcher and best-selling author Brené Brown made the following comment, “There are researchers who have studied traumatic events such as sexual abuse and found the shame that follows them to be more detrimental to the physical health and emotional wellbeing. Shame is lethal. And we are all swimming in it.”

Speaking Out

There can be a great feeling of catharsis when a victim finally speaks their truth and sheds light on their shame. Shame only thrives in silence and secrecy, so opening up to talk about trauma to a therapist or trusted friend can be an important step in the healing process.  Talking through certain aspects of the incident can be helpful to loosen and release the hold the past can maintain on a victim’s psyche. However, there is a fine line between facing the facts to deal with the things that have happened to you and letting yourself continue to be victimized by the past on an ongoing basis.

Even though my background is in clinical psychology and I was trained in psychotherapy, I believe that constantly rehashing the past after a certain point can keep you trapped in it. At some level, everyone is a victim of something. Including the people who trespassed against you. There are many times when the perpetrators of abuse have pointed to abuse in their own past as a reason for why they did what they did. I don’t believe it is necessary to dissect how you felt about your parents when you were three, or to deeply explore what traumas they might have been driven by in their own childhoods to find ways to move through the trauma, on to your best life.

Ultimately, isn’t that what we all want? To release the pain of the past so we can feel better right now and look forward, clear-eyed, to a happier future?

Forgiveness

For many, this is the hardest part of healing. You might think, how can I possibly forgive someone who did something so horrible to a defenseless child? They don’t deserve my forgiveness.But here’s the thing, the forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you. The person in question may be far removed from your life by now. They may even be dead. It is likely that they will feel no tangible benefit from your decision to forgive them inside the privacy of your own head and heart, but you will. And that, right there, is the reason to do it. Forgiving them releases you from the endless anger, resentment, and flood of negative feelings that flow every time something scratches the surface and reminds you of them. And remember, forgiving someone doesn’t mean you suddenly agree with them, or no longer think what they did was wrong, or have decided it wasn’t really that big a deal. You can forgive someone for something you still think is horrible and wrong. You can forgive without understanding exactly why they did what they did. You may never know the reason. There may not be a reason, and even if there is, you still may never truly understand.

Self-awareness, Self-Love, and Gratitude

Whatever pain is showing up in your life right now, it can be transformed through self-awareness, self-love, and gratitude. Becoming aware of your own negative thoughts and behavior patterns is the first step to changing them. Watch yourself think, listen to the voice inside your head, and listen to the things you say to other people. What stories are you telling yourself and others about your past and yourself? Are you beating yourself up or breaking yourself down? Are you being as kind and compassionate to yourself as you would someone you care about in a similar situation? Are you able to show yourself the same kind of love that you would show to a favorite child in your life? Can you feel gratitude for all of the good things you already have in your life right now? This last step can feel hard when it feels like everything is wrong, but even on the worst day, there are still things going right all around you. You can be grateful that the sun rose again, that there is oxygen floating around in the atmosphere to breathe. You can be grateful for the clothes on your back, the water you drink, the food you eat, that the buildings you enter and exit, exist. Every person alive can be grateful for waking up to at least one more day on this earth. By doing this, by practicing self-awareness, self-love, and gratitude on a regular basis, you can shift yourself away from the pain of whatever trauma has affected your life and into a happier, better place where you are no longer a victim of your past.

This not to suggest that anyone should ever stuff down or repress memories of trauma that need to be dealt with. If you need help with something that happened to you in your past, by all means seek out the help that you need. But I am suggesting that you can forgive someone for hurting you without knowing why they did it. You can forgive yourself for making mistakes without a guarantee that you’ll be perfect in the future. You can choose not to be controlled by things that happened in the past without needing to understand why they happened in the first place.