Finding Your Life Purpose

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a desire to find out more about my life. More specifically, about my life purpose. Big questions. Like, what am I meant to do in this lifetime? How am I supposed to contribute to society? To help, guide, or serve? Will I receive a sign? I hoped for bright lights and a billboard exclaiming, “Angela, your life purpose is to….” Or, a fated encounter at Trader Joe’s with someone telling me what I should be doing with my life. Gosh, I wanted anyone to tell me what to do. Just tell me! To figure it out on my own seemed a bit unrealistic. Who am I to figure out what to do with my life? Spoiler alert, you are the only one who knows.

First, let’s backtrack. I grew up knowing nothing. Yes, I said that correctly. I grew up envious of people who knew exactly what they wanted to be or do in life. I never knew. I’m a dreamer. I like many things. My interests and passions are endless. I could never pinpoint one thing to do for the rest of my life. I felt stuck at the idea of picking one path to follow. Anxiety filled my body with the mere thought of picking one degree, one career, or one job for the rest of my life. So I graduated high school, not caring too much about my grades and life path. I went to college with the idea of getting a business degree and sitting at a cubicle from 9-5. Why? Mainly because that is what society says we should do. And because it seemed practical and realistic. I ended up gaining three separate degrees over a span of 10 years – Arts, Business, and eventually a graduate degree in Education. I worked in various business and corporate settings. Some small, others big and very well-known. I hated them all. But I sucked it up and did what I thought I should do. Afterall, people told me, “no one likes their job,” and my favorite, “it’s a job – not happiness – and both do not exist together.” Really? I can’t find a job, career, or path that fulfills me at the deepest care of my core and also pays the bills. Hm. I was intrigued. Perhaps I was the only one with these big questions? I really thought to teach small children was my calling. Again, I was mistaken. I loved helping kids read and learn. However, my energy was drained each day after teaching. Mainly because I give more than I receive. I will help someone or something unconditionally. I came in early to tutor kids before school. I went over and beyond my duties. And although it felt amazing to have a child come to me with little knowledge of letters or sounds and by the end of the year, they were an impressive reader, I still felt unfulfilled. Teaching was not my purpose.

I literally go the extra mile in every aspect of my life. This also hindered me in corporate settings. I’ve had many jobs and always went into the interview with high hopes of finding the job that would fulfill me and make me happy. Maybe the people, company, and work will be different here I often thought. As time progressed, the same pattern was revealed. I felt unappreciated, unvalued, and unseen. Many negative un’s that no one wants next to their name. I actually manifested physical symptoms from the constant anxiety and lack of confidence I experienced over the years, but notably in my last corporate position. Again, going the extra mile and taking on more responsibility than necessary. Each day at work, I looked forward to 4:00 pm but then the anxiety would creep up shortly after because I knew I would be back in 15 hours. Weekends were not fun. I dreaded the return of work. It was always on my mind. How many emails will I have when I return? Did I complete all my tasks and projects? Taking time off was non-existent. I took very little time off because I could never relax on a day off anyway and I would be consumed with all the work I was missing. My stomach took the brunt of this vicious cycle. At one point, I was a vibrant, healthy woman. But all the anxiety led me to toxic relationships and habits. Eating poorly and drinking heavily. My stomach would literally bloat up numerous times each day. Sometimes never going flat for days. I felt like I ate Thanksgiving dinner everyday without actually eating. I was cranky, disinterested, and annoyed. I went to traditional doctors to see if I had something going on. Nothing was discovered. I then went to holistic and natural doctors. I took supplements, vitamins, and herbs. I received some relief but not much. I was miserable. I could no longer exercise because I literally had a difficult time breathing for my stomach constantly being bloated. I gained weight and was self-conscious. I stopped doing things. I pushed people away. I was consumed with finding an answer of why my stomach was like this…. leaky gut, IBS, celiac… maybe the doctors missed something?

With some really bad news, I found a blessing. My company was shutting down operations. Everyone was out of a job. I did not have an end date but I knew this announcement was a blessing in disguise. I had to find myself again. I had to be passionate and healthy. And I knew I could never be either of these in this job. I gave my notice before I knew my end date. I had to get out. I was suffocating from the corporate haze of bullies and gossip. My stomach was a mess. I left to pursue freelance work.

It took a very long time to gain back my health. My stomach did not automatically rebound after I left this job. I still ate poorly and drank. Depression consumed me. I cried a lot. I felt like a victim. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Why can’t I be like other people and just go to work and be happy?

Well, I’m not like other people. And there are many, many people who resonate with my message and story. I’ll tell you what did help me bounce back to my true self. Eating healthy. Meditating. Not drinking. Exercising. Surrounding myself with positive people and things. Saying no and setting boundaries for myself. Laughing. Listening to music. I’m done with overextending and trying to help everyone. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. I filled up so many cups and there was never any left for me. I was last. So, I made myself first. I was now the priority.

And I stopped looking for a job, company, drink, or any type of status to fulfill me. I had to look within. I ceased looking for jobs as a correlation to making me happy. I took responsibility for my happiness. It is an inside job. I stopped looking for external validation.

I got back to my true passions. What did I always love? Being creative for sure. Engraved in my mind were these beliefs of society that someone could not have a successful creative career. I changed my beliefs. Remember, I’m a dreamer. I started a YouTube channel based on intuition and no real direction. I knew I had to do it. To step out of my comfort zone and take action. I found I enjoy creating thumbnails and posts. Finding the right graphic, text, colors, and words was fascinating to me. Hours go by in what seems like seconds as my creativity spins.

I also realized how much I love communicating through writing. To speak freely can be difficult for me but give me a laptop, a cup of coffee, paper and pencil – I’m literally floating on clouds of sunshine.

My love for my life has truly transformed. It took time. It took getting back to me. My authentic self. Doing what I love and enjoy. And yes, only you can decide what is right for you. I wake up excited each morning. Excited for what you might say? I’m excited to brew the first cup of coffee, with my dog on my lap, while looking outside at the darkness as the sun bursts up. I shine now as the sun does on a hot summer August day. I’m grateful for my journey. I’ve learned so much. And gained even more.  I’ve realized that through writing I can share all my interests, hobbies, and thoughts – I never have to pick one thing as my path. I am no longer limited to my cubicle, one degree, one job, or any one belief. To find your life purpose, find yourself – find what you do best. Share your gifts and talents. Don’t be afraid to take a risk, leap, or plunge into the unknown. There is an adventure with every action. There is hope with every decision. There is love, fulfillment, and yes even happiness when living your purpose.

Listen at https://youtu.be/yNlBHNjlIxI