I was also very depressed in my youth, a childhood mired by quite a few changes in home and family life. I may have had a stable household,  although sometimes not. I switched schools which was very challenging. Although I did consume many psychological films and consumed a lot of marijuana as a teenager.

I sought to work through my existential despair through Buddhist meditation. I began training vipassana meditation teaching myself in my home. I was still 18 and 19 at the time. Again I had begun to read more books and watch more films that opened my perspective
I too had a dark night of the soul, after a deep meditation session. I saw I light at the end of the tunnel through my aina chakra (third eye). All of a sudden I began to replay my life events, although I was very young at the time. It forced me to think very differently at a young age. It is often called a ‘life review’ in which the experience sees a clear light accompanied by their visions or descriptions of hell or heaven, i.e. their preconcenceived notions and beliefs.

I isolated quite a lot for a few months, still going to college. I hardly left home, and was abusing drugs to cope. I cried nearly everyday. as I had repressed a lot of things much of my life. It was very tough and I wish I had other guides at that time. I was really breaking down, and had to go to a rehabilitation center.

So with this I had a safer place to try to ‘reintegrate into a normal life’ although I definitely was not realized or enlightened. It seems like I had a glimpse of what could be obtainable during that mediation sessions, and that the body may die, but there is more after death. But during this time however I had to work and go to school for a year, because that was what was acceptable in American culture, not spiritual enlightenment. They sort of tried to piece me back together after I had such intense experiences.

About a year or so after still abusing drugs and going to school, I realized there was more spiritual work that was needed. A few classes changed my outlook and perspective. Later I had learned that is custom in some cultures to support one’s pilgrimage for spiritual attainment.

So I had left home after doing more emotional work on myself. Granted I was a young kid and it was the first time ever leaving home, so I did have a lot of challenges. I entered new places for the first time. I did have some help because I think a lot of people felt bad and I was urged do go.

On a side note I find it so hypercritical and judgemental that every monk receives donations, but if you are received these with your quest it is called unacceptable, but if the intention is for a noble cause I think it is natural.

So I continued more meditations and realizations. I experiment with peyote in the Arizona wilderness. I had no outdoor experience much of my life, so this was very new and important to do. I learned a lot and appreciate the people who helped facilitate the experience.

So this was the time where my spiritual growth really accelerated. I realized that unlike the past, I had teachers who knew what it meant to have some level of enlightenment. So I learned more about my chakras and energy centers, past the physical body. It is one of those occult things, that are by initiation.

In between this time I found some job in another state. I thought I would stay but I was more into my spiritual process and growth. However this became a bad habit later in my life. It is very challenging for anyone to balance their spiritual understanding with traditional 9-5 work.

I looked deeper, I looked in, and I was found. I cleared all the drama and trauma, and I was as free as the universe it self. Everything moved slow, everything made perfect sense, and this knowing of who you really are made sense to me. Past all the conditioning of what others have told you to be  I ebbed and flowed with my surroundings, saw things with innocent and unclouded eyes, and continued to feel my crown chakra (the spiritual center at the top of your skull, buzzing. I was at bliss.

I had some money saved up from the job I quit to fly elsewhere, although I could have joined a monastery. I wonder if I did.
In another state I spent more time in nature, met knew people, and it seemed like everyone was aiding my quest. The feeling of the oneness with all and fully whole is sort of like a bell ringing your whole body, and you are quite light, your mind is empty, your thoughts pass so easily, and you understand your body’s energy center’s.

Something told me to come back and finish school, so I did. I came in the early summer, and all I wanted to do was deepen my meditation practice, because it had brought me so much wisdom and peace. I still had my scholarship, and the student loans helped with living.

I woke up at 430 or 530 ever day, sometimes three thirty, and created a personalized meditation practice that lasted an hour two. It was sort of occult and mystical, something I really couldn’t describe. Then I would, stare out for a while in peace. Then walk to school, walk back, my life was much easier and simpler back then. I still held the peace and momentum for that long.

I continued this practice for about two years. I would like to note their are many different ways people reach their own personal enlightenment, although mine was more the monastic kind, where I had repressed my desires, and sought through solitary meditation and study the answers. This is called jnani yoga, in Sanskrit terms. There is also bhakti yoga, which is of devotion usually to a deity, and tantric forms, of sexual enlightenment, and others. There would be quite a few to list.

So this is my spiritual journey in my early 20s. I would love to share more up until now you are interested.