I took in a long drag and felt the thick smoke from the joint hit my lungs. It felt good – really good. Everything quickly became hazy. Great, exactly what I wanted.

In a few short hours I was getting married.

Married to a man I loved but who deep down I knew didn’t feel the same. Ok, he loved me in his “own way”, but not like I intuitively knew someone I was committing the rest of my life to, should love me.

I didn’t care though. Despite knowing it was all wrong, I was eager to go along with the “Sleeping Beauty fairy-tale” I’d created in my mind.

Besides, it was only the four of us going. Me, him and two friends as witnesses. My parents never knew.  They would have thought I was crazy.

I’d met him at University six years previous but we’d only been together properly just over a year. And during that time I’d jumped through unimaginable hoops to make the relationship work.

I’d gone over to Tashkent to visit him, I’d contributed towards his funds for a student visa, I’d even helped pay for his Masters. Once he’d come to London, I’d supported the both of us whilst he’d studied.

And now I was marrying him. So that we could be together properly.

It had been my idea for us to get married – after a lot of psychological “nudges” from him, such as frequent reminders of his looming return home after graduation.

So you see I had no choice. I felt trapped. I loved him and this was the only way I could give our relationship the best chance of succeeding.

And regardless of my intuition screaming at me “You don’t have to do this!” I talked myself into a state of oblivion and went ahead with the wedding.

Later that night lying in bed together, after what should have been the “happiest day of my life” – I never even got so much as a cuddle. He turned his back on me and went to sleep whilst I polished off a bottle of Shiraz.

Numb is the only way to articulate how I felt. Along with a nasty inner bully piping up to say “see I told you he never loved you. Now look what you’ve gone and done you idiot”.

That was in July 2015 and it took me until August 2017 to bid him a final farewell. During this time I went through what can only be described as insanity. I poured an endless amount of love and energy into a “sham marriage” that did nothing but reaffirm my own sense of worthlessness and stupidity.

The repeating and somewhat predictable pattern went like this:

We’d go through a good patch, living alongside each other (like friendly room-mates), until I would attempt to be intimate with him. This would prompt rejection, causing me to scream threats and sob out of pure frustration.

My husband would then say things like “I’m doing my best but when you say all those things I feel so bad” and “I’m always the one apologizing even though I haven’t done anything wrong. I’m trying to change but I’ve never experienced this kind of affection before”

In hindsight, they were all words that I’d confided in him regarding my childhood and how lonely I’d felt growing up.  Ones that he used to his advantage to keep me stuck in an eternal loop of anger and confusion, followed by guilt and self-loathing.

And this is how things went on. Week in, week out.

It was only when I contemplated throwing myself in front of a train at London Waterloo that things started to shift.

As odd as it sounds – that cold February night actually saved me. Because in that moment of desperation and in a silent plea for help, I was guided towards a source of inner strength I never knew was possible.

In the space of 18 months I poured myself into personal development and adopted a spiritual practice. I began writing and got a few articles published. I then studied to become a Life Coach and from there, plucked up the courage to throw him out. After which, I sold my property and bought a new home for myself near the ocean.

I could sit here and say that was my happy “self-discovery” ending but it wasn’t… not by a long shot.

Despite separating from my husband and even forgiving him, the person I struggled to forgive more than anyone was myself.

For a while I believed it was therapeutic to keep revisiting the pain – until it dawned on me it was just a stick to repeatedly bash myself over the head with.

Looking back, when I smoked that joint on my wedding day, I was doing my best to drown out my inner voice that was trying to gently guide me towards a place of safety. And the shame and guilt in ignoring my own intuition and allowing myself to be hurt, was the hardest part of all for me to forgive.

By realising how much I resented myself for that, amongst many other things, self-forgiveness became essential in order for me to feel free.

Since leaving my husband, I’ve had many blessings come into my life. I’ve been on an exciting business trip to New Zealand, made new friends, and even had some romance. Although the real challenge has been embracing this new chapter.

For ages I refused to relax and be happy because I was terrified of it “all going wrong again”.

And by doing this I was re-enacting the same story of being a powerless victim, rather than acknowledging the progress I was making.

When we have soul destroying things happen to us, the courage required to get up again feels a million miles away. And although this is popularly referred to as “transformation” – what isn’t too often discussed is how that person left standing, puts one foot in front of the other.

How do we really reclaim our personal power and build enough trust within ourselves to move towards a promising future?

In my opinion, not only is this the hardest part of all but it’s where self-forgiveness is crucial. Until we’re able to make peace with the past by forgiving ourselves for our most painful experiences, the hope of “something better” is impossible.

We all have a habit of holding onto our past wounds like ammunition. And they become a form of protection we use to prevent ourselves from getting hurt again. But in actual fact this “ammunition” only achieves two things:

1. It pushes good people and opportunities away
2. Leaves us feeling lonely, angry and frustrated, reaffirming the belief that “nothing good ever lasts”

This quickly becomes a perpetual cycle which is exhausting.

Whereas self-forgiveness takes us down a pathway that proves just how powerful you really are.

It helps you to see how “mistakes” have actually served you by bringing you to where you now stand.

Like an invigorating breath of fresh air, all the heartache and disappointment endured becomes a testimony to your strength, knowledge and wisdom. And it’s this that serves as the real protection, enabling the trust in yourself to reemerge stronger than ever.

Although it took me a while to reach this level of self-acceptance, it was the missing link to setting myself free. And here are the three “diamonds of discovery” which made all the difference in me shifting my perspective permanently:

1. Every challenge presented in life provides us with an opportunity to establish a deeper connection with ourselves. When you look for the blessings negative experiences have brought you, it not only validates them but also helps you to see clearly what gifts you can offer the world as a result.
2. Regrets are made up of what we feel guilty for doing or not doing and they are the biggest blocks to self-forgiveness. When we use them as a tool to guide (instead of punish) ourselves we open up to brand new ways of thinking to get the results we want in the future.
3. Our intuition and emotions never lie. Don’t be afraid of them. Honour and listen to what your inner voice is saying because it will never let you down. It’s only when we prioritize the wants and needs of others that confusion and chaos sneaks in.

My “sham marriage” has been the most heart-breaking experience of my life, almost destroying me. Yet it’s only been in the darkest hours of reflection that I’ve become stronger. It’s often said, a person has to hit rock bottom in order to truly prosper, and as corny as it may sound – that’s exactly what it’s done for me.

I discovered a part of myself that I never knew existed and it’s paved the way to create a future for myself greater than my wildest dreams. Simply because I chose to find solace in my “regrets”, and transform them into miracles to be treasured.

When we extend forgiveness to ourselves by loving and trusting who we are right now, inner peace is inevitable. Our painful past becomes a noble teacher and the future reveals itself as a faithful friend waiting to take you by the hand towards fun, love, laughter… but most importantly of all – freedom.