“I fantasize about sleeping with other women,” I told my boyfriend.

“I’m also bisexual,” he responded.

I couldn’t believe my ears. I felt a mixture of fear and disgust. It was okay that I fantasized about sleeping with the same sex, but it wasn’t okay if he did.

I didn’t realize I had a double standard. I could be bisexual, but he couldn’t.

I realize now that’s unfair.

Now it embarrasses me to admit that I broke up with my boyfriend soon thereafter. My reaction isn’t uncommon though. Women often balk at dating bisexual men, even when those same women are bisexual themselves.

A survey of over 1,000 women conducted by Glamour revealed that 63% of the respondents said they wouldn’t date a man who’s been with another man.

The irony was, 47% of those same respondents said they’d been attracted to another woman at some point in their life. Thirty-one percent even admitted to having had a sexual experience with another female.

If that’s not a double standard, I don’t know what is.

This is not fair. Women have to change.

The Patriarchy Is to Blame for Our Double Standard

The problem is our society is patriarchal. If women are allowed to be open about their bisexuality, it’s only because it benefits men.

Men view two women having sex as a turn-on. In his article on Mic, “Why Are So Many Women Unwilling to Date Bisexual Guys?,” writer Nicolas DiDomizio explains:

“…we live in a patriarchal society that deems girl-on-girl action hot and appealing, [so] female bisexuality comes with something of an implicit seal of approval.”

This same culture sends bisexual men into hiding. According to Valeria Pizarro in her piece, “Societal Standard for Masculinity Threatens Bisexual Identity for Men,” published in The Daily Texan, men “feel too pressured by masculinity’s strict standards in our society to openly, and internally, identify as bisexual,”

As a result, men hide the truth — but that just makes them suffer.

More Men Are Bisexual Than Previously Believed

This is especially tragic since new research has revealed that male bisexuality is more prevalent than ever imagined. Ritch C. Savin-Williams, the Director of Developmental Psychology and the Director of the Sex and Gender Lab in the Department of Human Development at Cornell University, is behind some of the most interesting research regarding bisexual men.

According to Savin-Williams:

“We’ve always recognized …women who mostly are straight but if the right woman comes along, well maybe she’ll try it out. We used to think that was only a female phenomenon.”

To investigate the same phenomenon in men, Savin-Williams developed “a study that assesses sexual orientation by looking at the eyes and whether they dilate or not.”

The researcher shows “straight men a picture of a woman masturbating and they respond just like a straight guy, but then you also show them a guy masturbating and their eyes dilate a little bit.”

Male sexuality functions along a continuum “just as we have always recognized with women.”

According to Savin-Williams, when humans become aroused, their eyes dilate. Therefore, he’s been able to record male arousal of homoerotic content even if the man hasn’t self-reported as bi.

“You can’t control your eye dilation,” Savin-Williams says.

Men don’t self-report their bisexuality because of social consequences.

“Men have gotten so much cultural crap put on them,” Savin-Williams says, “that even if a man does have some sexual attraction to guys, [he] would never say it.”

The results of the research don’t lie. According to Savin-Williams, the study shows that male sexuality functions along a continuum “just as we have always recognized with women.”

As Women, We Need to Change.

I realize now I felt threatened by my now ex-boyfriend’s bisexuality. I missed out. I rejected a perfectly great man just because he had bisexual fantasies.

I was unfair. Instead, I could have offered him a safe place to discuss his desires just as he’d done for me.

I didn’t. I broke up with him. That was wrong. Women need to stop rejecting men just because they’re bisexual.

It’s not fair that only women get to be honest about being bi. Men should feel free to be truthful about their bisexuality as well, and not get rejected for it.

At least I’ve learned. My current boyfriend is bisexual and I’ve allowed him not only to be honest about his urges but to explore them.

I now know that men have as much right to be openly bisexual as women do.