For those of you who have had a relationship with someone high in narcissism, you may have noticed a common trend in how your narcissist describes you.  Early on in the relationship, how your narcissist describes you is using the adverb, so. “You are so amazing”, “You are so wonderful …so beautiful…so smart”…and the list goes on. The use of the adverb ‘so’ is a pivotal part of the onset of a narcissist’s manipulation – love bombing.

The use of the descriptor “so” is designed to flood those of us with an underlying feeling of not being enough with joy and relief that FINALLY someone sees us for the person we really are. FINALLY someone is validating how great we really are. The problem is, when the narcissist reflects back to you your “so-ness”, it happens too early in the relationship before this person actually knows the true you and is able to make a more informed assertion about your “so’s”. It’s a trap designed to lure you in like a moth to a flame. For those of us who desire validation and to be seen, being told we are ‘so this and so that’ by someone we recently met is the ultimate drug.

Over time, though, the “so’s” disappear. You are now through the love bombing phase and transitioning into the gaslighting phase of the narcissistic relationship. Gaslighting is predominated by the adverb “too”. “You are too sensitive”, “You are too insecure” “You are too emotional” etc… The use of the word too is designed to erode the confidence your narcissist initially built up in the ‘so’ phase and to place responsibility on you for their abusive behaviour. If I am ‘too this and too that’, clearly the issue is to do with me and not the narcissistic abuser. It’s disorienting, confusing and it’s precisely the point. Calling out your ‘too-ness’ culminates in your inability to trust yourself and trust what you know to be true.

The next time you enter into a relationship, whether romantic or platonic, be aware of the adverbs the other person uses to describe you. Early on, be cautious around the adverb ‘so’, especially for people who are just coming to know you. Someone you recently met does NOT have the knowledge of who you really are and so their use of the adverb ‘so’ is based not on a genuine knowing and appreciation of your true nature, but is based on the desire to play on your insecurities and lure you in. So too is it dangerous to be in the presence of someone who has moved toward describing your ‘too-ness’ as the relationship has progressed. Telling you that you are ‘too’ anything invalidates the you that you are and will keep you entrenched for a longer time with your abuser than you might otherwise, because they are the only one brave enough to tolerate your ‘too’.

When it comes to relationships, be aware of (and avoid) those who shift from describing you as ‘so’ to ‘too’.

About the Author: Colleen Hartwick is a licensed Naturopathic Doctor in British Columbia with a special interest in trauma and abuse. She can be reached at www.campbellrivernaturopathic.com