Things that are inevitable: Change. Death. Taxes. And money shame.

I have talked to thousands of people about their money between my work as a financial consultant and my work as a Transformational Money Coach. As I sit with people as they sift through debt, goals, inherited money stories, and money trauma one unifying factor rises to the surface:

Shame.

“I make six figures but I still live paycheck to paycheck.”

“I haven’t filed taxes in three years and I don’t know where to start.”

“I cycle in and out of forty thousand dollars of debt.”

“I let my ex-husband control all the finances and I had no idea what was happening.”

“I never learned how to deal with money. It was a taboo topic growing up. Now I’m terrified to check my bank account.”

“I had to file for bankruptcy.”

Money shame stings like no other. On a primal level, money is tied to our attachment system. Our earliest experiences of care and support weave their way into our adult experience of profit and loss. Earning and underearning.

Not only that, but we are marketed into a deeply rooted belief that our money is our worth, so when the inevitable mistakes come, we do with it what we do with most shame. We bury it in a dark corner. We are left without a way to process. Instead of going to our friends and saying things like:

“Wow, I made this big mistake and I’m not sure what to do. Has anything like this ever happened to you? Do you know anyone that can help?” 

“I don’t really know how to make a budget, is there a system you like?”

“I know I have the potential to make a lot more money, but somehow I always hold myself back. Have you ever experienced that?”

“What’s your favorite money book?”

Instead of processing our actions and feelings around money in a way that helps create both healing and healthy behavior (and therefore healthy money lives), we lock those feelings away. We hide them. We take our credit cards to brunch and pretend like everything is ok.

Shame breeds in isolation and shame is dangerous.

Most of us carry money shame and money trauma from our childhoods. Maybe we grew up poor and felt less than, or we were wealthy and were ostracized for it, or we saw our parents fight about money. We were told not to talk about money. We were told that money is unspiritual. We were told money can’t buy happiness but gosh were we unhappy when there wasn’t enough.

Maybe our parents weren’t able to be there for us in the way we needed them to in order to develop a healthy attachment system. Perhaps our feelings weren’t mirrored, or we were punished for mistakes, or we had to take on the role of the adult. This left us without the experience of being supported in a healthy way and now we subconciously push money away.

These mixed messages, unhealthy money stories, and unprocessed money wounds so often lead us down the path of financial dis-ease as adults. We learn to take money and all its messy feelings and potential for pain and lock it in a dark crevice of our being.

If we are on the spiritual or personal growth path we might try to cover our financial and self-worth pain with affirmations and manifesting techniques, which prove hopeless against the gigantic undercurrent of fear and shame running underneath. We have no clue how to really receive.

Put simply: shame blocks abundance.

Money shame is normal, but it’s not normalized. It’s not yet common to have conversations about any part of our money lives with our friends, family, and spiritual communities. (If you want to test this, I invite you to bring up money shame at the next party you attend and watch people’s faces.)

This collective hiding means it can be very hard to create a new money story, reverse money mistakes, get out of debt in a sustainable way, and create the abundance we really desire and believe to be possible if only we could get the money thing right.

Take heart though, shame is also reversible. If isolation and trauma cause money shame (which causes debt, overspending, undersaving, underearning, etc.), connection heals it. As Brene Brown says, “If we share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”

As our shame around our imperfect money lives eases, we gain some breathing room with which to think clearly. We can make a plan, we can get help, we can sleep at night again. Getting out from under the heavy blanket of shame gives us a new vantage point from which to see our money. 

Releasing shame unlocks the door to authentic gratitude, to knowing our inherent worth, to connection with who we really are and what we are meant to do here. These things are what unlocks the door to attracting abundance. We learn to know ourselves as worthy. We learn to receive.

Healing money shame takes courage, and it takes support. It begins with admitting to yourself all the things you feel ashamed of around money, worth, and recieving. You can journal. you can talk to a friend who also wants to heal (they are out there, believe me!), or you can hire a trauma-informed coach or a therapist who specializes in healing the emotional aspect of money in addition to the practicalities of planning and handling money.

On the other side of money shame is freedom. Not just financial freedom (which is a worthy goal in itself), but the freedom that accompanies feeling safe around money, feeling trustworthy, feeling abundant. 

The freedom of knowing that you don’t have to be powerless with money anymore, that you are capable to learn about money, to handle money, to live in right relationship with money, and most importantly, to create the kind of wealth that will allow you to live the life that deep down, you know you are meant for – free from shame.