Loneliness and My Path to Love

One month of being single and already I’ve had enough. I can feel the loneliness creeping in, a deep ache. A desire for attention, anything, from anyone. So I jump back on the dating apps, even though I swore to myself that I would take a year alone to love myself, date, cherish, understand and figure out what I want. Yet here I am swiping left and right trying to find Mr. Right Now, while the voice inside my head says “Girl you’re lonely, pick anyone. Make yourself feel good.”

And then it stopped. Silence at the realization.

I just wanted to feel good.
I want a rush, excitement, intimacy, and sex. But do I want to love?
Do I even know what love is anymore after all the relationships that have failed? For each one, I thought I found something special, the one, my other half, my soulmate. Yet every single relationship failed. Every single person left me. Which always caused the question… What’s wrong with me? I’d sit and analyze for weeks and months trying to figure out what it was about me that they no longer liked, wanted, desired, or loved. Never realizing and accepting that it was the end. The end of a relationship, the end of a future, the end of what I knew and who I was at that time. Sometimes it was my fault. I held onto something that wasn’t there, I was in love with the idea of being loved, sometimes I was just afraid to be alone.

This last relationship hit differently. This time I knew it wasn’t me, but it was his fear, insecurities, and unwillingness to grow into space he wasn’t ready for with me at his side. Which would have led me into another codependent relationship, something I made very clear I no longer wanted and would no longer have. I made my boundaries clear, for once I declared where I was and what I wanted. So I lost a lover, but sometimes you meet soulmates who just aren’t ready for you and they have to walk away and grow on their timeline as you step deeper into your true self so will they.
Sometimes people come in for a moment and have the biggest impact on your life and your healing journey and will never know it. I am grateful for feeling his energy because it sparked creativity and passion. Something I have been on a journey to find.

I no longer want to give away my body, heart, and soul out of loneliness and fear. My body is my sacred space, filled with hope, dreams, passions, adventure, experiences, and love. I desire love, to be loved, to be in love, and to understand what love is. While I know that there is a person out there for me, I can not rush to meet them. I know that the hardest part of this journey is to keep my heart open and centered in love and self-love.

As the loneliness ebbs away, each day has been lighter, happier, and filled with creative joy. Loneliness has been a blessing. So if you’re feeling the same get comfy with loneliness and have a conversation with it and see what it’s trying to tell you and show you. You’ll be surprised at the answer, it might not be what you expect.