“Life is a conundrum of esoterica” is my favorite quote and also an oddly cheerful quote to start an article about toxic people, but hang on with me. I deeply believe that life is like a riddle, an adventure full of excitement. The stories and drama, the pain and hurt they all make us appreciate the good moments even if reality is grim and bleak, there is always an answer somehow, hidden messages in the midst of abyss. I am a strong advocate of silver linings and lights in the end of tunnels. But I am also a person with a very nervous stomach and very fragile heart so you can imagine the anxiety and heartache that comes along with the esoterica.

The conundrum is kinda toxic and I am intoxicated by all that life is, But enough about me. This piece of writing hopes to help you figure out what is the biggest source of toxicity in your life. And let me tell you a thing or two about toxicity. First things first, Toxicity is relative! Almost very few things are toxic in an absolute manner. Mostly what’s toxic for you is perfectly fine for someone else, like allergies, while nuts can make your tongue swell and close up your throat; they are the life of a party for someone else. Toxicity is also related to dose, for example, one glass of alcohol isn’t toxic but two bottles are of course intoxicating. The same works on people, no one is absolutely bad or toxic it’s a matter of a certain mix of two people or a certain dose of someone, sometimes closeness is toxic, other times the opposite. So just bare that one fact on mind Nothing Is Absolute. And that’s exactly what makes life a riddle, a complicated riddle where the good and the bad are so intertwined together in a way that we gotta say makes life fun but also extremely intoxicating. Am I making any sense? Haven’t you ever craved something that is bad for you? Sabotaged your own life for cheap thrills? Done things that are borderline good/bad?

Sometimes the toxic person is someone you didn’t choose, like a toxic parent per se, Other times the toxicity is coming from people you willingly welcomed into your life, a toxic partner, or a toxic friend. Sometimes you can have a toxic work environment that you should escape. I can go on listing toxic people and how to spot them, but let’s be honest; you have the whole internet and social media doing that for ya. We live in an age where anyone who was inconvenient in your story is labeled “toxic” “narcissist” “psychopath” there is a whole industry of self-help books and courses that help you “recover” from all the bad people in your life. Because you are the protagonist in your story and everyone else sucks and you gotta battle and fight to overcome the goodness in you that made you a “victim” for toxic people. Something in this scenario feels awfully wrong.

It can’t always be them! Sometimes, no most times it’s you! You are the most toxic person in your life! And this might be a hard pill to swallow and I ain’t gonna sugar coat it. What if they are not cruel or mean rather you are self-absorbed and egocentric that you make everything about you! What if they aren’t ungrateful sons of bi#tches and you’re the one expecting so much because you never really give anything unless you have an agenda of expectations! What if you set yourself up for failure because you secretly love the drama!

What you think makes you so sure you are a good person?  Like I mentioned before life is a conundrum! Maybe the biggest plot twist here is hidden in plain sight! In your very own reflection in the mirror! Think about it you are the only common thing between the “toxic” people you meet. What if you need to drop the haunted life and own up to your choices in life and just mature a little. I get it, you have been through a lot and I did too and so did everyone! Everyone is going through something! You can’t be waiting to be rescued all the freakin time! It takes guts and integrity to admit that you aren’t as good as you think you are! And this isn’t an invitation to self-flagellation! No, absolutely not. This is rather a revelation that is begging to be made. How often do you say sorry and actually meant it! How often do you catch yourself being judgmental or acting from a double standard? How often do you work on you? How nice are you to people you expect nothing from? How forgiving are you when you have the upper hand? How considerate are you to people who love you more than you love them? And how humble are you when it’s the opposite. When you seek help are you actually looking for the truth or just self-affirmation?

I want you to know that you can mean very well and fu#k up! That you can think you are being nothing but good but end up very toxic! And that doesn’t make you innately a bad person, it just makes you a person! Someone who is today trying and tomorrow trying to be better to solve the conundrum that is themselves! One last thing, one last hint, you are always finding yourself with toxic people because of one simple fact, it takes one to know one so take a look inside yourself.