“Find yourself”, they said. It’s going to be “rewarding”, they reassured. Obsessed with the pursuit of the dream, I’ve been consumed by only one thought: how to reap the full rewards of this tough journey. And boy, was I going to do anything to reach this deep sense of euphoria and fulfillment I always longed for.

Everyone writes about the beauty of getting in touch with your core, but no one ever talks about how difficult and shattering it sometimes gets. I need to be blunt about this, we need to stop romanticizing self-discovery, it is not all so dainty as we are made to think; it is hard work and commitment. Sorry if this disappoints, but don’t expect your “true calling” to just spontaneously unfold and show itself; this is no light-bulb moment, my friend. You don’t just wake up one day and “find it”. But what you do is commit to this cause (yes it is a cause… an honorable one indeed) and mobilize your resources, and by that I mean, direct your energy and efforts towards it.

I always thought taking time off from everyday monotony and heading to the mountains would do the deed, just like in the movies; I mean, did you see how Julia Roberts in “Eat, Pray, Love”, came back as a changed person?  I know, right?! I, too, wanted to embark on a journey, pack my things, and head to destination unknown, where I’m alone, with nothing but the thoughts in my head.

Preoccupied with finding ways to find myself, I never found it (oh the irony!) and instead always waited for the “right time” to come. Until one day, it hit me:  all this time, I had the how-to, I just never put it to use. I didn’t need to go away to “find myself”. I was never lost to begin with. I just needed to “return” to my true “self”, as put by Emily Mcdowell. I know you’re probably thinking, ‘oh here goes another cliché existential quote’, and believe me, I understand; been there, done that.

With the cultural conditioning, the do’s and don’ts dictated by society, we are told from childhood onwards what to be/do for the rest of our lives. But did you ever take yourself out on a date, did you ever ask her about what she really likes/enjoys doing, or rather what she used to like before society decided to butt in with its opinions and beliefs? Give her the time and effort she needs, give her the undivided attention she deserves, get to know her inside out, and trust me, you won’t regret it! Your personal calling is there somewhere, probably buried deep inside and silenced by all those years of self-negligence, screaming at the top of its lungs, dying to get out. You just need to have the courage to dig deep and confront your own dream.

I wake up every day with a new idea of what I want do with my life, thinking that at last I found my personal calling, and I can now plan out everything around it. I write down intricate details of my short term goals, next steps, and long term goals. At times, I start researching and taking courses about this subject matter, and other times, I take more serious action, like finding a job. But after some time, I still feel like there’s something missing, this infatuation with this new goal gradually dies out, only to find myself back to ground zero.

But when I come to think about it, it was never ground zero, it just meant I had to explore new and different stuff, which were once alien to me. I can’t find myself without trying new things. This is my advice to you, try something new and suck at it, and then do that one million times over. Do that till you finally feel like you’re genuinely happy with what you’re doing.

Only when I sat with myself, did I realize how much I’ve been mistreating her, suppressing my emotions, and hushing my gut by focusing on building a career I actually had no interest in just to achieve “success” (or at least the version of success I grew up with). I mean I wish I was one of those people who found fulfillment in climbing up the corporate ladder or landing this to-die-for promotion. But I am not. And it took me years to learn to accept and embrace myself; a much-needed act of kindness. It is okay to lead a different life than that you grew up thinking you wanted. I am not saying there’s anything wrong with having this as your dream, it’s just that I was always steered towards thinking this was THE way to go, only to discover it’s not for me.

During these times, you’ll discover things you never knew about yourself, strengths you never knew you had.  You’re going to have to disassemble every piece of yourself you were once sure of and let go of parts of you, you grew familiar with, you’re going to have to “unlearn” most of (if not all) you “learnt”. You dug up your calling, you’re all happy and excited, but now what? You’re going to be terrified from the unknown, scared to death of failure, but with change, this is only normal. You just need to remember that you deserve to get what you want. Only then can you endure all those obstacles and difficulties about to come your way.