Recently, one of my work wives (my affectionate term for my close coworkers) said something pretty profound to me, “Your definition and my definition of a friend are very different.”  It struck me hard like a lightening bolt, kinda hurt, but woke me up with an electricity of what a friend is.  Another friend who has become a close confidante over the last few months after a bit of an absence, also said to me, “your circle of friends, should be like circle of trust,” in that moment of course I’m picturing myself like Greg Focker staring at his future father-in-law like a deer in the headlights on the pull out couch with Mr. Jinx.  I say these two things because these two statements hit me hard with regard to my friendships and my naivety when it comes to who I let in to my inner circle.

To know me, is to understand my history of girl relationships.  Although nothing I’m going to say is going to be provocative or not universal.  Girls, women, we, want to be liked for the most part.  All throughout childhood you want to be accepted and fit in with a group.  I had my friends in grade school.  Then my family moved in middle school.  Ah, the middle school years, those unforgiving, awful, embarrassing, challenging, shit-stirring, times of adolescence when many girls turn into a smaller version of “Mean Girls” with training bras, waterfall bangs, Gap outfits, lots of Aquanet, and Bonnie Bell makeup (it was the 80’s, so forgive me).  Middle school for two years was awful! While I still had my friends from my old neighborhood and school, I had a whole new world of “Lord of the Flies” to contend with on a daily basis.  Despite, that crappy time, my high school years were relatively wonderful!  Of course, there was always “girl drama,” but I find that none of these situations were compared to what lie ahead in college and adulthood.  I would say my most profound friendships have been found in the fun and the freedom of college and the grittiness of adulthood.  You find your people and like the Titanic, you hold on for dear life!

So what makes a friend, and more importantly, who gains access to the circle of trust? Through the years I have accumulated so many people (guys and girls) who have become my “family” as it were.  We’ve been through so much together relationships, living together, breakups, marriages, divorces, sick parents, kids, our own health problems, and other life curveballs; these are the people in your circle as it were who you count on in your job, neighborhood, life circumstances, past experiences, current experiences, etc, that you build trust, respect, love, care, and realize when the chips are down they are in your corner, and you will return the favor when you have to ante up for them.  So, the statements my two friends stung me with–jolted me back to reality, as I reflected upon something that happened several months ago between myself and an acquaintance who I had termed a “friend.”  The details are irrelevant, but I will say that their statements have made me reflect on their advisement.  First, I need to stop using the word “friend” loosely.  It’s a special word reserved for those who earn that title.  I need to stop giving it away like beads at Mardi Gras. Secondly, I need to stop giving that person access to my circle of trust because as DeNiro says in the movie, “Once you’re out, you’re out Focker.”  It is in my wanting to be liked or accepted, at times, I have let the wrong ones in or even accepted bad behavior.  It’s important to know when someone is being a true friend or merely using you to benefit themself.

Which leads me to the notion of friendships which last for a lifetime, a season, or a reason….the women in my tribe who are lifetime friends have earned the highest def con levels of trust.  They are my ride or die bitches.  Time, distance, length of friendship, how often we speak, etc. does not impact this special title.  They have proven it in their own ways.  We have a simpatico.  It’s been earned through experiences and conversations. Seasonal friends, well they have been people who I have know for a period of time, I may have work/ed with them, lived with them, or went to school with them.  We shared or share good times together and those who I don’t see I still keep in touch with them, but it’s very different in what I share. Finally, there are the people who are in your life for a reason.  These are the people who may only stay temporarily, as they are teaching me a lesson about myself or life.  Recently, the acquaintance I referred to earlier was someone who I thought could have become a lifetime friend; however, that privilege has been since revoked like Greg Focker spray painting the Mr. Jinx look alike’s tail and getting caught after the imposter cat has wreaked havoc in the home.  I had to learn a hard lesson that not everyone has the same intentions as me, and not everyone deserves to be in the circle of trust OR to be let back into the circle of trust.  SO, I ask you, who’s in your circle of trust?