There have been a few celebrities, Rebel Wilson and Adele, who have lost a significant amount of weight recently, and the media and society has decided to discuss it. I feel as a kindred spirit of these women and of many people where the struggle is real to lose weight to say, Shut the f$#@ up about it! Yeah, I said it! I’m saying it loud and proud! It is none of anyone’s business of how and why they lost their weight. Also, more importantly, in this era of body shaming, it is none of anyone’s business to comment on their looks. This is a difficult journal article, but long overdue one to write. It is one that is painful because it deals with things that are quite personal, and things that we, as a society are afraid to honestly talk about to someone’s face but have no problem saying it behind their back. Weight gain and loss is society’s dirty secret.  I’ve lived it and I’m no longer afraid to really say what is on my mind.  

So, over the last year or so, I’ve lost a little over 100 pounds.  Yep, I lost an entire human being! I’m so very proud of my journey and why I did it, but at the same time it is such a slippery slope of judgement that I face everyday, it haunts my every waking moment.  I say this because as everyone wants to jump in and celebrate my success, I know there are going to be those who will be snickering when and if the weight makes its way back.  It’s these thoughts that keep me in a sheer state of panic.  I’m sure my comrades who have lost weight and have made life changes feel in some ways the same because no matter how much weight I lose, I will always have an inner “fat girl.” You not only have your own, inner critic that is loud, but others who always feel the need to say things, whether it is a well-meaning family member, partner, husband, wife, friend, neighbor, co-worker, or someone you are even dating. 

First of all, my decision to lose weight was done out of health reasons, my looks have been a byproduct, as I’ve been made acutely aware.  It shouldn’t matter why a person wants to lose weight as far as I am concerned as long as it is done so in a healthy manner.  As someone who has struggled with her weight off and on since being a teenager, it is hard to explain to someone who has never struggled with food and food issues. Unlike, say, alcohol, cigarettes, or drugs, we all need food to eat.  We need food to survive. Food as an extreme, whether restricted by a bulimic/anorexic or in excess by an overeater, is an issue that has to do with control.  That’s it! My issue has to do with control.  Hence my issues with anxiety and panic which I have dealt with for a number of years, as well.  So, now you know I’m a walking Tony Soprano, although without the felony convictions, Smith and Wesson, or balding hairline.  Whether a person is an overeater or emotional eater (like me) or an anorexic or bulimic, control is at the heart of the issue.  There is something we are trying to control that is out of our proverbial control, whether it is a relationship, career, school, hell, traffic in the morning.  It is very easy for others to sit in judgement and say, “How could someone get like that?”  Well, it is very easy and it can happen to anyone, if mental health issues are not addressed.  It has been well researched that food, just like drugs and alcohol or a puff from a cigarette has the same effect on someone with sugar, specifically, having the exact effect.  So, yes, my drug of choice as it were when I am depressed, lonely, sad, anxious, pissed off, angry, happy, etc. is food–whether in excess or just to eat it.  I say this so that if you or someone you know is dealing with this, you are not alone.  And, yes, I still have my food issues, like any addict, they will never go away. Get help. The best thing I could do for ME, was get a therapist, join a therapy group, and have a close family member have an angina attack and require a stent.  My rock bottom as it were was going to a Taylor Swift concert and climbing steps at The Linc (Lincoln Financial Field), and feeling my heart about to come out of my chest. I thought I was legit going to die.  After this, I sought out a cardiologist, went for a full work up, and given my family’s wonderful cardiac history, I had escaped for now, a heart issue, but the cardiologist warned me of my future risks. I had to have a hard talk with myself and decide, do I want to continue to live this life and only live for maybe 10 more years, or do something and save myself. My decision to have gastric sleeve surgery was the best decision I could have and I’m not ashamed of it.  I do know that there are those who will judge it, saying, I took the “easy way out.”  To them I say, “when you are having surgery the day before Christmas and are not able to eat anything for 3 weeks come and see me.”  It was not an easy road and it continues to be a difficult road every day.  I struggle with my inner “fat girl” every day.  Eat this, not that.  The struggle is real, people.  I gave up smoking 10 years ago, and haven’t looked back. THIS is so much harder.  I have had to incorporate exercise, mindfulness, cooking, shopping for specific/correct food items, etc. into my new life as it were. Everything I put into my mouth, I am accountable for, no one else.   

Of course, the benefits of weight loss include healthier blood levels, blood pressure, etc.  I can climb stairs and not be out of breath.  My “bionic ankle” from my car accident feels better and I’ve staved off some arthritis because I’m not carrying as much weight on it.  I’ve decreased my likelihood for certain cancers, cardiac issues, stroke, my brain aneurysm has thanked me for it.  I feel really good!  The other byproduct of weight loss is “looking better” or “looking fit” or “looking pretty.”  Physical appearance is at the heart of what I want to address.  As much as Adele, Rebel Wilson, or any female who loses a significant amount of weight enjoys feeling good and fitting into a size 8 pair of jeans, there is always the sneaking suspicion of, “Was I worthy or pretty or beautiful or awesome BEFORE I lost all of this weight?” Or “What if I can’t keep it off?” “What if it comes back?” “What will people think?” I’ve done it, we all do it, or have done it at some point, but commenting on someone’s appearance is such a touchy thing. Recently, I innocently offered a woman to jump ahead of me in line for the ladies room because I honestly thought she was pregnant. I know, I know, I’ve already taken the pneumatic tube to hell on that one! I got yelled at by my girlfriends who have had kids, who explained to me, you never ever say that to someone.  You shut the F-up.  They are correct.  It was a smack my head moment that I truly beat myself up about because I genuinely did not mean anything by it.  Unless you know the person, any kind of comment about physical appearance can come off as a backhanded thing to say to someone such as, “You look hot!” or “You look beautiful!” It leaves the person receiving the compliment to think, was I not hot or beautiful before? When I was heavier and dating, you would not believe the comments I would receive from men about my weight and my worthiness, it would make you sick.  Take out the two by four to hit me over the head! Their comments made me feel like Shrek. I mean we all want to feel desirable or feel beautiful. It wasn’t until the last year or two, that I have met a few men BEFORE I lost my weight who thought I was just as attractive as I am now.  My point is merely this, before you comment on someone’s appearance think about what you are saying.  Is this the ONLY thing you appreciate about this person? Is their physical beauty appearance the ONLY thing that best represents them? It has been very nice to get compliments, but it is very overwhelming and at times, I honestly, don’t know what to do with them. A majority of people who compliment me on Facebook don’t know how I lost weight, they just know I did. The people who really know my journey I appreciate their words of encouragement, it’s just difficult to always know the genuine nature of all comments.  I can tell you SO much about what I LOVE about myself that has nothing to do with my physical appearance.  I love my sharp wit, my kindness to animals, my advocacy for kids, my job makes me feel like I make a difference. I’m a wicked trivia player–you totally want me on your team.  I have a mind like a steel trap.  I have a huge heart, I will go out of my way for just about anyone. I’m really good with organization.  I have dance moves that make JLo jealous, I love my sharp tongue (which can get me into trouble). I’m very creative-look out Michael’s. I’m very smart and intelligent.  I’m a super baker, and pretty good cook, I could go on! When I look at Adele, immediately I think of her voice first. I still think she is stunningly beautiful with or without her weight.  Rebel Wilson if freaking hilarious! I thought she was attractive before her weight loss, as well.  Amy Schumer, another woman who is very open about her body and weight, love, her! She is funny and smart! Just read her book, The Girl With the Lower Back Tattoo, you will also find what kind of insightful individual she is, as well. To me, these women are heroes. They are brave! They are putting themselves out there in some ways because of their celebrity but at the risk of so much criticism. Just be kind and thoughtful, take a pregnant pause (oh crap did the floor just fall out from underneath of me again, dammit).  Take a moment before you say something to someone (just like I did with that woman) about how they look. There is so much more to someone beyond their face or body.  Also, what a person weighs or why they gain or lose is none of our business.