His death was so jarring.

Like, it got up in my face, all aggressive and shit, and sneered at me.

Cause of death: a gunshot wound to the head.

Perforation of skull.

No bullet or fragments retrieved.

Manner of death: suicide.

How does one make sense of this? How can one recover?

My only sibling. Once my parents and my auntie are gone, there will be no one left that really knew me.

It’s a lonely feeling. A deep, wide swath of loneliness. A loneliness that shouldn’t have been. A regret I shouldn’t have to feel.

But, it’s done and it can’t be undone.

Now I just learn to sit with the smoldering burn of grief that will be with me for all of my days. I will grow accustomed to it in time, but not yet.

You were a good boy. You loved animals and sweets and knives and fire. Your heart was pure despite so many betrayals.

I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

I miss you.

I love you.

And, I’ll never forget you, little brother, I promise.