Introduction:

The word Ayahuasca was first introduced to me in 2012. My interest was immediately peaked and I wanted to know more. I began researching this medicine and write about my reflections in my journal. I read many articles about the plants that make up Ayahuasca, history and use of the medicine, and hours of YouTube videos. The more knowledge I gained the more I felt called to drink.

My research led me to ceremonies held in Peru, but most recently I was introduced to Soltara in Costa Rica via Brian Rose and London Reel. Both Peru and Costa Rica seemed so far out of my reach. As fate would have it, a very dear friend of mine introduced me to Aya Quest in Kentucky. Kentucky Ayahuasca was going to be my introduction to this beautiful plant medicine.

My personal history with Plant Medicines:

I’ve tried and experienced: THC, LSD, Psylocybin, and of course now DMT. I’ve micro-dosed with Psylocybin, experiencing really great results. Psylocybin is a very powerful plant medicine. Cannabis is an amazing medicine as well but has been that one plant medicine that brings out all of my insecurities. I almost gave up on it, but my stubborn nature just had to know why it affected me like it did. For about eight years now, I have studied and used THC & CBD as medicine for personal growth. I cultivated a relationship with Cannabis as a way to learn about myself. Working through and with my insecurities such as: aging, my relationship to my body and exercise, who I am in this life, what I have accomplished, how I doubt myself. I decided to purposefully force myself to face these emotions and ask them why they are there.  If I truly desire real change and real personal growth, I must face these aspects of myself and acknowledge them, work with them, and develop an acute ability to know when they are surfacing. Working towards an ever present balance, and harmony with them.

This is the story of my first ceremony in 2019. I chose to share this experience to give back. I found many great testimonials that helped me through my research process into Ayahuasca. I hope in some way my words do the same for someone else.

Friday: Check in and first Ceremony

I arrive in Kentucky early Friday morning on very little sleep. Thursday was a very long travel day to LAX. I was exhausted and filled with many emotions about this trip. Drive time to Greensburg from the Airport was about an hour and twenty minutes. The clock moves back an hour once you arrive in Greensburg. Which means I would have 7 hours to kill before I could check in. I slept in my rental car outside McDonald’s.

Fast time and Slow Time: Greensburg, Kentucky.

The locals say: Fast time, and Slow time. That’s because the Eastern Time Zone and the Central Time Zone cross just like a border, and is smack-dab where the house is located.  You could literally be in one room of the house on “Fast Time” and then walk into the other room and now be in “Slow Time”.  Time became a strange altered reality because of the two separate time zones.

Friday afternoon begins with introductions, paper work and a brief getting to know one another. (Aya Quest was founded by Steve Hupp. Steve’s wife Teri and her son Nick manage Aya Quest as a family.)  Teri and Nick took us through an informative talk about Ayahuasca, what plants were specifically used for this particular brew, and passed around the actual plant materiel for us to feel, and smell.

Teri then poured me the first offering. I was given a very small amount to make sure I wouldn’t have any adverse effects. I sat for 20 minutes chatting with the group making sure I felt OK. All was good. Terri then poured the group the actual first offering. I was very nervous and very excited. I was sitting face to face with the very “tea” I had been writing about for 6 years in my journal. It felt very surreal.

I held the cup in the palms of my hands. I centered my breathe, closed my eyes, said a prayer and drank Ayahuasca for the first time. I actually enjoyed the flavor of the brew quite a bit. Strange, I know. It was the most bitter, and earthy substance I have ever tasted. If one knows what tannin quality is. It’s that times infinity. Sucks the moisture right out of your mouth.

No turning back now…

As a group, we drank two offerings together. We all then settled into our beds. The brew is specifically prepared for a mild experience the first night. I may have spent to much time trying to figure out if I was feeling anything. That may have affected my experience the first night. Looking back and comparing the first night to the second. They actually started pretty much the same. The initial come up was very similar but the second night I took off.

I felt a flirtatious energy. As if the energy was wanting to feel what I was about. I felt a feminine energy that seemed to be communicating. The feeling came and went so fast that It was hard to tell if it was just my mind searching for something. I saw no visuals the first night and never felt the urge to purge.

The first night was a beautiful introduction for what was to come on the second night.

I asked for a more intense second night, and I sure did receive it…..

Saturday Night: Second Ceremony

We begin night two a couple hours early. I booked my flight last minute and with that last minute came an early departure time. I let Teri and Steve know of my flight itinerary out of Louisville. With the rental car check-in and the drive time to the airport, I would have to leave very early in the morning. I also needed to calculate and plan for: Fast Time and Slow Time! Steve arranged night two for me so that I could get to the airport safely.

Second night ceremony began around 11:oo am (fast time), 10:00 am (slow time). We all get changed into our comfortable clothes. Steve rounds us all up at the offering table. Steve informs our group of my flight times and that he would like to begin ceremony early. He made sure everyone in the group agreed. Normally a weekend ceremony could have upwards of ten people. We had four in our group. Everyone was so supportive of each-other. It’s a very special connection that develops quickly. Everyone is open and vulnerable. It was really beautiful.

Steve introduces a specific episode of: Kentucky Ayahuasca with us, and explains that we all share something in common and to take note of a particular person featured in the show. After watching the episode, Steve gave us a really beautiful reflection to take into ceremony. Here is a clip from the episode. (Clip) Steve then walks into his office and brings out the doll from that episode. It was surreal to be holding the very doll she clung too so tightly. This doll represented very deep, and dark emotions. Deep rooted depression and fear of her past. Intense anxiety about what her future may, or may not look like. All of the false beliefs she carried with her and then attached onto that doll. Holding her back from thriving. From living her best life. I can relate to this in my own way. Holding onto emotions that keep me from thriving.  

Are you willing to know? Are you willing to look into your darkness? What are you “NOT” willing to let go of? Are you ready to finally let go of the past?

Our first cup of Ayahuasca is poured into each of our cups. We all take our cups and begin our own personal silent moment. I would like to share mine. I said this as a prayer before drinking:

“I let go, I allow. I am ready. I ask for a golden bubble of protective light to encircle me, and keep me perfectly protected. I ask for 7 rays of divine light to surround me, protect me and guide me. I ask that my consciousness rise into thy consciousness and become one with thee. I ask to receive that which I need, and that which I need to know now. I accept and I allow. I am ready and want to know.” [Prayer]

We then are offered Sananga drops for our eyes, and told that it is going to sting. I have included a link if you’re interest in learning about Sananga eye drops. It does Sting – A lot. Your blood pressure immediately sky rockets, your breath is taken from you, your body tenses up from the fire that’s now on the surface of your eyes. After about 60 seconds its gone. I personally felt exhilarated and a tad giddy after all those sensations subsided. We then sit in front of colored lights and watch a monitor with beautiful imagery. After twenty minutes pass we all head back to the offering table. Our second cup is then poured and we all have our moment of silence.

Objectivity! Let go! Allow this experience to happen! Except and Allow. I am Ready!

You do have the option to drink more if you feel like you can, but trust me. This is not like wine tasting and wanting that bigger pour. That is the least of your worries. Steve recommends to all of us that we keep our attention on the music. “See if you can listen to ten individual songs before drinking another cup.”

I get settled into my nook of the room. The room is filled with beautiful quotes, beautiful tapestries. A couple of these tapestries get pretty intense when you’re sitting with Ayahuasca.  I wanted to have a visual memory of the room, and some of the drive to the Church. I took a few clips with my iPhone and made a dream-like video. A memory of Kentucky.

One of the lessons I learned from the first night was to let go of any expectations. I had done so much research that I built up this idea in my head about what to expect. This really affected my first night’s experience. My expectations were way to high. As I lay their, I focused on letting go! I allowed the music take me over. I relaxed my body, and I did my best to not judge what was happening.

I am not sure how much time passes before I begin to feel the initial affects of my first two cups. It’s very subtle in the beginning. I start to feel an energy or a presence of an energy. (This is the part of the experience that is hard to articulate. These are just words used to describe things that are almost dream like.)  Energy is the best way I can describe it. This energy felt feminine and very flirtatious. I felt this energy wanting to FEEL me out. What was I ready for? How ready was I?

I began to ask this energy questions within my mind. Can I talk to you? Is that OK? Am I actually feeling this? I do not recall an answer, but the flirtatiousness of the energy got stronger. I could feel things beginning to ramp up significantly. My arms were behind my head and I was smiling from ear to ear. I felt this immense pleasure and comfort. The music was so melodic, and rhythmic. My breath was deep, full and relaxed. My body was still, motionless, some-what paralyzed. I rode the intense waves as they rushed over me. Gradually getting more and more intense.

Vivid imagery began to materialize. I kept saying. You’re OK, You’re OK. It was powerful and beautiful imagery. I felt every vibration in and around me.

The imagery was perfectly aligned shapes, that fit together so perfectly that its hard to describe. The shapes had shape and had no shape. If that makes any sense… These shapes created a spiral; with every color you could think of, all moving in perfect symmetry and harmony downward and into me. Into my forehead, my throat, my chest, and my stomach. The colors are indescribable even with my intact sense of what color is. Green was the strongest observable color among the pallet of colors. I can still easily recall the spiral of beautiful shapes; flowing downward – laterally to medially, into my body. It was very powerful and very complex.

I was still aware of the music playing in the background and I felt like I had listened to ten songs. Ten songs was the number that Steve recommended we all be aware of before feeling the need for another cup: “Listen to the music and let go of any judgments you may or may not be experiencing.” With all that beautiful imagery and intensity of feelings, I sat up and walked out to the offering table for another cup. I sat down and said hello to Teri and she asked how I was feeling. “I am feeling very good and that writing on the white board, it’s moving.”

In a very motherly and protective way she gazed into my eyes, smiled and carefully poured me another cup.. I said a small prayer, drank my third offering and went back to my mattress. As I laid back down I could tell things were going to ramp up quite a bit.

The third cup escalated to a point where I felt compelled to sit up and ground myself. The intensity of this feeling is hard to describe, but very enjoyable. I felt an impulse to crawl over to the edge of the mattress. I wondered if I was going to purge? Not just yet! I questioned if I was prepared for a purging experience. (I wasn’t.) I sat on the edge of the mattress, took deep breathes and scanned the room. Every quote and every drawing written on the walls were specifically chosen. I slowly took each one in.

The black lights dimly illuminated the room adding a mystique to the images. The Ayahuasca was adding a vibration of life to them. The writing on the walls seemed animated. Not like a cartoon, but each tapestry and each chalk drawing had subtle movement to them. I sat and read each quote. Scanning myself for a resonating emotion and searching for a deeper meaning in them as well.

A particular quote challenged me.  “Knowledge is a way to make a living! Wisdom is a way to make a life!” This became a conundrum to me. I was having a difficult time separating the meaning of each sentence, and was confused as to why.

Am I – understanding these words; in my life, accurately?  I found myself stuck in a mental loop with that thought. I latched on to the feeling of not being able to understand which in turn pushed me deeper into trying to understand.

I started to analyze the skin on my arm and the bracelets around my wrist. The black lights illuminated my skin in a way that I started to see imperfections. My skin started to age rapidly.  “You are going to get old. You are going to die.” These thoughts surfaced and I began to feel insecure about myself.

I felt an impulse to take my sweatshirt and socks off. “Take these off and let your body breath.”  I started to rub my lower legs to give them energy and awaken them. (I am currently working as a massage therapist, and this has taught me how powerful touch is for our bodies and for our being. I felt my legs needed some touch) One of my favorite self exploration techniques is to eat one of my cannabis edibles and work on my body.  I love to move my body, do body work, stretch, balance, mobility exercises, postural movements, breathing exercises.

I slowly crawled to the center of the room and started to stretch. I moved my body through a hip opener sequence as flowing patterns of color and shapes moved all around me and through me. Through my forehead, my chest, and my stomach. As I moved from stretch to stretch, I felt like a statue as soon as my body would sustain the position. Light would appear very quickly and then a feeling of strong, sustained vibration would rush through me.  The wall in front of me read something in Sanskrit. So Hum Mantra. I am — Divine and light. I’m not remembering exactly what this one said, but it did stick with me. The drawing appeared to be a puzzle.

I AM… So Hum… I AM.. Light…

Before the ceremony started, Nick pulled me aside and gave me a gift. A token that symbolizes not only my experience with Aya Quest, but also acknowledges one as a family member of Aya Quest.  This is a beautiful token and carries with it the symbology of the Owl.  I have included a link about the Owl as a spirit guide.

As I stretched my body, I was aware of Teri in the corner of the room. She seemed as if she was perched in the observation tower, if you will.  She appeared to me, like that of an Owl. She rhythmically swayed back and forth with the music. Her eyes appeared illuminated. I started to reflect on the owl that Nick gave me and what that meant. I felt wisdom, I felt an understanding with my eyes and I could see in the dark, and see the light within the darkness.

It was time. I felt it. I knew it was coming. I felt the purge beginning. I crawled back to my bed and sat on the edge. I grabbed my purge bowl and cradled it in my arms. Teri became active and aware of my situation. She readied herself as she always does. I asked myself if I was ready. I was scared. This felt more intense than, “just a getting sick!”

First, two big convulsive waves that rippled from my belling to my lips. Nothing came out. Then another full body contraction that started in my belling and moved up and out. This feeling was very intense, and my body was shaking. I had tears in my eyes and my body was flooded with an array of emotions. Teri took away the first bowl and quickly provided me with another one. A smaller amount of fluid was forced out of my body and into the second bowl. The black lights illuminated the fluid in way that it seemed toxic. Then, two very large and very forceful contractions pushed up and out something, but no fluid came out. This did not feel like a dry heave. My body contracted and contorted and forced something out.

Teri quickly came in to remove the bowl. I asked to keep it and said I needed to look at it. I felt that I needed to acknowledge it, and let it know that I was done with it. I am still unpacking the purging experience and what it’s significance was for me. What negative emotion was possibly up-rooted and forced out of me.

I asked myself this question: “Are you finally ready to let go?”

I sat on the edge of the mattress for quite some time. I have no idea how much time had passed, it could have been 5 minutes or 25 minutes. I lost all concept of time. My body was still shaking from purging. My abdominal muscles were cramping from the forceful contractions, so I laid on my back to relax them. As soon as my abdominal muscles relaxed I sat back up and felt my body shift gears.

I consider myself to be a “body aware” person, and have spent many years connecting with my body. Self massage body work, stretching, regular exercise, rehab and prehab modalities. All of these modalities have contributed to and have helped me get in-tune with my body.  The feeling my body was now presented with was very unique.

I began to feel a sensation of “shedding.” I could feel muscles in my body changing “Shape” – tone.  Emotions of fear, anxiety, and doubt, that resided within each muscle grouping began to release from them.

(How I correlated the feeling in the areas of my body and the associated feelings/emotions that were held within them)

Tension in my neck and shoulders eased up. (Anxiety, over thinking, over analyzing, a disconnect to my inner voice and communication)

Tension in my chest relaxed and felt more open. (Armor, walls, guarded, protected)

Subtle energy in my stomach relaxed. (Guilt, doubt, fear, bitterness, stored memories of heartache, loss, a belief of unworthiness)

Low back relaxed. (Worry, money, guilt, value, trust and belief in myself)

Pelvic floor relaxed. (locked up intimacy, fear of intimacy, fear of personal power, blocked chi-energy)

A deep sense of peace and calm came over me. I began to feel as though, I was exactly where I was suppose to be. Experiencing exactly what I needed to experience. As though I came to Kentucky; to drink Ayahuasca, and actualize the greatness that resided within me.  I felt a bright light begin to radiate outward. I felt as though my body was taking on a new shape. Shedding all the layers that no longer served me in my life.

I felt like I was pure light, an illuminated being. The word “angelic” traveled through my awareness. I felt: “I am infinite, I am light.” The feeling rushed through me and all around me. I began to question that feeling. Who am I to feel this way? I believe I was given a glimpse of the divinity that is ME… That is all of us… The infinite me. The me that came from Source and will one day return back to Source.

I was directly presented with the truth of who I am, and my ego still wanted to have me doubt myself, and what was just presented to me.

The tapestry of colors had stopped at this point. I was feeling disconnected to my surroundings so I decided to sit up and walk out to the gathering room. I walked passed Terri who was sitting, “perched”, and watching over us.

I opened the door to the gathering room and into another realm.

I immediately saw Nick. Nick was wearing rubber gloves and was busy cleaning the purge bowls. The bathroom door was open and Nick was going back and fourth cleaning things. However, this is not what I saw.

I walked through the door and saw Nick. Nick was wearing rubber gloves, fatigue type pants and his shirt was tucked in. Nick’s mannerisms seemed to be more intentional, precise and confident. I sank deep into fight or flight mode. My heart rate elevated and I began to sweat. For some reason I saw Nick as a calculated killer.

I said, “Wait, wait. Nick. Wait. Please. Can we slow down please. Please wait!”

I feared for my life and thought I was about to be butchered. Nick became a killer and this is how he lured his pray in to feed his addiction. The bathroom was lined with plastic and paper to catch the blood as I was being butchered. He asked me if I wanted to sit down. I told him no. It felt as though he was luring me into the bathroom for his kill. I was scared of him and I told him I was.

Nick kept saying to me: “It’s OK Randy it’s just me. It’s Nick!”

I asked him what time it was. He turned the small clock around and said: “it’s b:c0.” I couldn’t understand or even comprehend what he had just said.

“Wait, wait, what.. I missed my flight? Is it Sunday afternoon?”

“You’re OK Randy, it’s S47ur47nd.”

I tried so hard to understand what S47ur47nd meant and to formulate any idea of how long I had been “away.” Nothing about the clock or references to time made any sense. I was scared and thought I had been in Kentucky for weeks. I wasn’t able to make sense of anything. One second, one minute, what day it was. All had no meaning.

I asked Nick if I could go back to my bed. I was purposeful with my words and very much on guard. He sensed my energy and remained attentive to me. As I began to walk back to my bed, I was immediately flooded with sadness. I felt shame for what I assumed about Nick. I was fearful that I had hurt his feelings. It was very strange to have dueling ideas about Nick. I thought he was about to kill me, and then shame for viewing him that way.

Reflection:

So many beautiful revelations have come in the past four weeks post experience. As I write about this experience and digest it day by day, more and more clarity surfaces. This particular moment with Nick has been multi-layered.  Without trying to hard to define this perception, I thought I would do my best to articulate what it may have meant.

Have I been wrong about how I am perceiving people? Have I cultivated my sensitivity to others energy incorrectly? I am a highly sensitive person and very sensitive to my surroundings. I have always used my intuitive gifts to navigate my way through life, and I thought I was pretty accurate. Have I been wrong all along?

This interaction with Nick woke within me, a deeper desire to understand my use of these gifts. I desire to learn how to use these gifts with more clarity and trust.

Ceremony con’t:

The shame was getting the better of me, so I asked if I could speak to Teri. We sat facing each-other in close proximity. I expressed to her what I had just experienced with Nick and that I felt shame. Teri is so kind and very gifted at her work, as are Steve and Nick. They take every precaution necessary to ensure your safety and they allow you to have your experience without influencing you in any way. They observe you with caution and never purposefully infringe on your experience. They safely guide you along your journey.

Her words were soothing. “Your OK baby. You didn’t miss your flight. You’re OK. I promise you, we would never let that happen to you.”

I was caught in a mental loop. Circling around the thoughts of fear about missing my flight and what that would mean in my life. I was tense with anxiety about my life back home. My life back home.

Uncertain, Unknown. Unhappy. Change. Grateful. Courage. Go for it. What is holding you back…(Inner dialogue with myself)

I settled myself back down into a fetal position. Hugging my jacket and my blanket. My body now tense and shaking with anxiety. “I missed my flight. How long have I been in this room? These people come here to escape their life and hide for weeks at a time. It’s OK Randy. Just let go.” You missed your flight. Maybe you have been in this room for weeks. Accept what is. You cannot change this now.

Teri began to sage the room. As she walked by me I could here her whisper, “It’s OK baby. You’re OK. You can relax. You can relax.”

I laid in that fetal position and begged for myself to let go. “Please Randy, just let go.” I just want to let go. It’s OK. Let GO. Let go of Control..

The walls were breathing and vibrating. The tapestries on the walls were dimensional and alive. I felt a subtle fear that I wasn’t going to regain my sense of “Reality.” What if I never come out of this? I was ready for this to be over. I let my body go as best as I could and accepted what was.

I have no idea how long I laid there but my senses gradually began to return.  The affects of the Ayahuasca began to subside and I was back in-touch with said, “reality.”

I felt good about getting up and wanted to walk back out to the offering table. I passed Nick on his perch and honored him with my palms in prayer position and with a subtle bow. I sat at the table and waited for Teri to return from the office. As she sat down I felt her calming presence and she gave me an affirming smile. I asked her what time it was and how long we all have been “Journeying?” She smiled and asked me if I really wanted to know.  I answered: “Yes please, I must.” She reached for her notebook; as everything is logged, and said, “It’s been two hours and 47 minutes. Not even three hours!”

A complete sense of gratitude rushed over me. “What the fluff did I just go through.” My mind was literally blown. The group began to come together at the table, as they too were coming back down to “reality.”  We sat around the table and shared a few details of each of our experiences.

It was a beautiful gathering of souls. We wrestled with our fears, and our demons on, The Dark and Bloody Grounds, and we were gently Carried Back Home to the Ocean.  Each of us, willingly crawling down into our Cave of Fears searching for healing and a deeper meaning of Who We Are. Each one of us on our own personal Quest and Hero’s Journey of self realization.

It’s Aya Quest tradition to order Pizza after the Second night’s ceremony. This may have been the best Domino’s Pizza I have ever tasted. We laughed, we bonded, we scarfed down some pizza. What an absolutely incredible weekend. Shared with amazing people.

My journey to Kentucky Ayahuasca is just the beginning. I am challenging myself daily to further explore this experience. To integrate these revelations given to me and apply them in my life. Getting myself back out into the world, acknowledging my dreams, and be willing to take risks on my dreams. Allowing myself to fail and be brave enough to walk on the surface of this beautiful earth as ME.

My chest open, expanded and ready to give and receive love. Connected to my higher self, my intuition and my heart. Embrace life. Create life. Create art. Face my fears.

Thank you Steve, Teri and Nick. When I am called, I cannot wait to return.