I just realized (31 years later) that I am a straight, Demi sexual female.

                  “Demisexuals do not have sexual        attraction for someone unless they have emotional attraction to them first.”

                              *light bulb* ?
First of all let me just say that sitting here on this patio learning my sexuality at 31 years old is…. it’s like finally meeting a close friend or family member you’ve been in contact with but never had the chance to meet. Like, oh wow, hi it’s nice to meet you and learn your name after all these years. This new level of self awareness feels like being a little more whole. Like all my little quirks as it relates to relationships and sex aren’t just quirks.

                      *definitions* ?

So Google defines Demisexuality as people who only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person. They can be gay, straight, bisexual, or pansexual, and may have any gender identity. The prefix “demi” means half — which can refer to being halfway between sexual and asexual.

Demisexualty is believed to be a subset and add on to an individual’s identity rather than being a sexual orientation. https://youtu.be/VCZtPt6SHTE

Someone who is Asexual is defined by Goggle as – not involving sexual activity, feelings, or associations; nonsexual.”he led an asexual life”

1. a person who has no sexual feelings or desires, or who is not sexually attracted to anyone.

ASEXUAL is what that A stands for at the end of LGBTQIA+. Demisexuality is on the spectrum of Asexuality.

I watched an interview by Anthony Padilla with people who are Asexual and these people talked about not getting turned on by the thought of sex. Also, not really ever thinking about sex at all even in their romantic relationships.  One lady said that kissing for her felt just like kissing a wall. That video link is right here.  https://youtu.be/zW29J3nxjis

I would think the term sexual (the opposite of Asexual) is self explanatory, since it is the opposite of Asexual but I wanted to look it up anyway.

-I’m back-

glad I looked that up because apparently the term is Allosexual and there’s a lot of controversy about the label. But I think the general understanding is that folks that are not Asexual are people who Allosexual, also known as zedsexual, refers to people who are not on the asexual spectrum. In other words, it describes someone who regularly experiences sexual attraction for others, but it does not necessarily refer to a sexual identity by itself.

I may not post this because I will probably sound like an idiot. ?

              *types of attraction* ??

Ok so I feel like I should talk about different kinds of attraction a lil bit to, kinda I guess, support my stance that this(demisexuality) is a real thing.

You can skip this part if you don’t care or you don’t wanna read all that. *laughs in long winded* ??

So there’s romantic attraction which is when you desire a romantic relationship with someone. Most sources (including Google) leave that definition like that but I just can’t. Like what’s romance then?

Romance/ romantic attraction is that feeling of passion & excitement. I would say it’s like a deep longing and even a reverence we have for someone where we desire very much to have those feelings reciprocated from them. We often come up with unique and extravagant ways to express our romantic feelings for the other and we want to be in close intimate, proximity to them for the foreseeable future. ??

Aesthetic attraction is when you look at someone and your brain identifies them as desirable for the eyes. Wanna add here that as Demi you can totally be aware of a person’s physical attraction but because you do not know them or don’t know them on an emotional level you’re just not sexually attracted to them. Like you’re not like picturing taking them to bed, or what they look like naked. It just doesn’t compute. ?

Sensual/ physical attraction is wanting to touch, embrace or cuddle someone. ?

Platonic attraction is wanting to be friends with someone. You may be attracted to or admire someone’s thought processes, ideas, talents, humor ect and you wanna be bff’s. ?‍♀️

Then there’s emotional attraction where you feel attracted to someone based on what/ how they present on an emotional level. Google says, According to the Gottman Institute, emotional attraction means “being attractednot just to your partner’s body, but also to their hearts, minds, and dreams.” Which makes me think of platonic attraction and the fact that I’ve been reading that a lot of demisexuals can become attracted sexually and or romantically to their platonic friends. Makes sense because if I need to be emotionally attracted to you before I wanna boink ya we probably need to be friends first. I could see how some people might blur those lines accidentally, especially being very young.

?(Intrusive thought !!) ?Ugh. I almost threw up in my mouth just now thinking about all the guys who said “I wanna get to know you too”. But they were talking about getting to know the inside of my pelvic wall and not my childhood trauma or my perspective on the 100th monkey effect. Lbvs!

Nasty, filthy, over sexed, under developed, uncultured, Neanderthals. ??

Ok. Lemme chill. Maybe those guys didn’t have any emotional depth or maturity and since I need that before I can feel attracted enough to jump into bed with someone in a way it has probably saved me from sleeping with a lot “more” slime balls. ?

Now let me just say though this hasn’t always saved me. There are entire relationships and situationships I would have not even gotten into had I known I was demisexual. Had I known there’s not something wrong with me, there’s a whole label, this is who I am, and what I need to be fulfilled… psshhh! ??‍♀️

       *triats/ similarities between Demisexuals,

                   things that are relatable for me*

                             ???

Likes to be sensual without having sex. ??‍♀️??‍♀️

I am hearing so many others who are Demisexual say that even though they still desire closeness, touch, hugging, ect with their partners they don’t necessarily want to be having sex. I can totally relate to this one! In fact, most often just because it takes awhile to garnish an emotional connection, I don’t want sex at all and just want to be close. I relish the art of sharing intimacy without sex.

And YES, that includes oral sex. I can’t tell you how many guys have been like “well can I just eat your -“? And I’m like “NO I don’t want you to eat my – I want you to talk to me about philosophy & your experience with foreign cultures” ! ?

1.) Not feeling sexual attraction to people on the street, strangers, acquaintances. ??‍♀️

Yes, yes, yes. I remember as a pre teen/ teenager all the girls liked whatever boy band was popular. They went to their concerts , bought their apparel, posters all that. And while I crushed on 2 boy stars I never bought any of that stuff and those crushes only lasted a couple months each. Girls would ask who I thought was the cutest boy out of whatever group and I’d be like “idk the one that’s always in the back”. Then they’d shout a name and I’d be like “yeah him”. Like I’ve never been able to lust after any celebrity like that. Not ever. I’m always thinking “these people literally don’t know that I exist on the planet”. While I can acknowledge physical features it’s not usually with this hot and bothered I wanna have sex with them thing and even on the couple of occasions I did have that reaction it was very short lived and then… nothing.  Because they’re a stranger so. ??‍♀️

(Random Side Note?!!) I just thought of this point because I have had guys I’ve dated ask me this and I always felt weird about answering it but, like, I have never gotten aroused from pictures or the thought of having sex with someone I don’t know. Even if I know *of* them but I don’t know them well like … looking at someone’s pictures and being turned on or getting off on their pictures because they’re attractive and I like the way they look is just… I honestly don’t see how anyone could get off on that. Does not compute. ??‍♀️??‍♀️

Emotional connection to and with someone effects whether or not I feel attracted. ??‍♀️??‍♀️

Yep! I remember one of the difficulties in past relationships would be me not being able to just turn on sexually even if I felt distant. Say for instance it had been several days where I was displaying affection through touch, sweet texts, gift giving- my usual and I don’t get anything back or I’m being ignored or patronized … I would dry up until we were able to have a meeting of the minds again. I mean I’d be physically incapable of finishing at times and I wouldn’t know why especially when my partner was doing everything right the way I like- I always, always needed to emotionally connected together with my partner. ??‍♀️??‍♀️

(Side Note!?) I have definitely had sex with people I was not at all emotionally attracted or connected to but let me tell you sex with them always felt like an arduous chore. I would wonder why at some points in some relationships I was really into the sex and all for it, wet as islands of adventure and then other times dry as a rotting carcus in the Sahara dessert. ?

I generally put humor and intellect above how attractive someone is. ????

This is absolutely HUGE for me. I absolutely can not be attracted to anyone unless I find them intelligent/intellectual or funny. Really being funny requires intelligence so same same. Now you may be thinking of Sapiosexual which everyone in they mama coming out of the wood work claiming to be. But take it from the girl who’s gotten cussed out and bullied by popular jocks who I didn’t let smash because I felt they were puny minded, male whores- I have been this way long before there were all these terms. ?

I’m definitely in the group of people you always hear saying “I guess I don’t have a type” & I really, really don’t! Even if I had claimed to prefer certain physical features these “preferences” would always seem to change based on whoever I happen to be either dating or crushing on and trying to date. Anyone who knows me knows all of my greatest loves/ biggest heart breaks are all matched with people who look totally different from each other. ??Its the heart that counts!

(Corny ass quote I came up with awhile back)

Being called a prude or tease. ?

Not a tease but definitely a prude! Guys who I have liked in the past have told me months or even years later that they were just so afraid to ever make any sort of move on me because they thought I would hurt them, call the police or leave. ? While I am glad on one hand that my energy says don’t touch me I always find that funny.  Because all the guys who said this were all guys I was attracted to and wanted to get to know better so I could possibly conjure up the desire for physical intimacy one day. Or worse, I’ve met guys who think I don’t embrace my sexuality or that I’m cold. Just because I don’t just think -“oh he’s a nice guy, took me on a nice date or bought me food, I guess I will screw him”. It’s ridiculous. Of course these guys get no play anyway, but it’s always struck me as weird. ?

Enjoy sex but it’s not the most important. ??‍♀️

Absolutely me.

I don’t even need paragraphs for this one. I mean I enjoy sex when it’s for the purpose of connecting with the person I’m in love with. For healing, for pleasure, for release as long as I’m with someone I connect deeply, emotionally with it’s enjoyable. In this case size doesn’t even matter for me. It is literally always about connection. If not, I’d rather just not have sex. ??

When I’m in a relationship with someone I feel am emotionally bonded with it’s almost impossible for me to feel attracted to anyone other than them. ?

So yeah, I’m literally not going to explain this one further because that just describes me perfectly. Except maybe the “almost” part.

I fall in love with the inner character of a person their outer qualities are unimportant to me. ????

This one made me pause. Because I definitely appreciate aesthetics like I would be lying if I said I didn’t. But I think back to a time in my life where I connected quite deeply with someone who was about 3 times my size in weight. I only bring that up because I almost never thought about that. Only reason I ever did was because he brought it up but the way he would make me laugh, cheer me up when I was crying, the way he made sure me and my children were ok, his advice on life, the way he took care of his own children…like I thought about him for who he was. Very kind and gentle. I don’t think ugly is on the outside. Ugly is a disease that lives inside a person.

I remember being turned on by my ex really strongly because all in one day he had given money to a homeless person, taken the grocery kart we used back where it belonged & helped me efficiently explain something to someone as I was struggling to find words. I remember wanting him to take me in the freaking parking lot! ?

I have a Lobito but don’t sleep around. The thought of a one night stand makes me sick.

Yeah. I think Imma leave this one alone too.

Let’s just say I’m good all by myself. ?

              *things people say* ????

1.) Demisexuality is not real.

2.)So called Demisexuals are people that want attention, have morals, are normal and are slut shaming.

3.)Demisexuals need to shut up. Everybody likes being sexual with people they are connected to emotionally.

4.) Demisexuality is just a byproduct of religious upbringing.

1.)Ok, it is a subset of Asexuality so, yeah it is real.

2.) I definitely don’t just want attention. I want to understand and to be understood. Not slut shaming. I- I’m not doing that.

The idea that I am trying to prove I have more moral correctness by having certain needs is laughable.

I think we all can agree there is no such thing as normal anymore – not to mention even “normalcies” (heterosexual/straight) have labels as well.

3.)I believe that most people would probably agree that sex with people you’re more emotionally connected to is more enjoyable/fulfilling. However, for me it’s not about whether or not I find emotionally connecting with someone before sex more enjoyable or that I just prefer it. It’s that I can not extract pleasure or joy out of a sexual experience with someone unless I am emotionally connected to them on the levels I identified with above.

Sexual experiences that I have had that were not based emotional connectivity translates to the same emotions I had when being raped and molested. Yes, I know those feelings and that’s why I used that parable. It’s more of a need than a preference to have that connection in order for me to be present and enjoying the intimate encounter with my partner.

4). Some people refrain from sex for their own moral reasons or beliefs. However, I would argue that religious beliefs in and of it self does not chemically change a person’s needs in order to be sexually attracted. I know a few religious people who have struggled to refrain from sex with various partners because they had such an intense aesthetic attraction to someone. The act of marriage, in this case, kept them from disturbing their moral conscious. I can say that for me even having religious beliefs that encouraged marriage before sex, I have still always needed a deep emotional connection (getting to know their hearts, minds and dreams) with someone before I could want to be sexually intimate with them. For this is who I am, what I need and have always needed.

                  *helpful reference points*

Forming an emotional bond with someone does not guarantee sexual attraction will happen. It is simply a prerequisite for it to occur at all.

Sexual attraction is not the same as sexual behavior.

It is trust, openness and emotional connection that turns Demisexuals on.

Demisexuals feel frustrated when people over estimate their interests in them and feel annoyed when they can’t just talk to them normally without having others hit on them.

Casually dating doesn’t appeal to them.

Physical appearance plays a very small role in what draws Demisexuals to someone.

Labels that describe a person’s sexuality are not all encompassing, can be complex and delicate.

Since learning the label Demisexual I have been intensely researching, learning and expanding my knowledge. Information is limited though and I believe that’s because of the many variables present as everyone is unique. The traits and experiences I listed here are simply what I personally relate to. The label has give me clarity and further insight on who this meat suit I am might actually be. It has given me a sort of freedom as understanding often does. I’m not sure this could be helpful to anyone else as it has been for me. My hope is that we all come to know ourselves, the world, each other and the source  of creation all the more better so as to improve our lives and not live solely by societal norms, who or what others may have us to be.