I want to get my thoughts down about something that’s been on my mind lately. The phrase, “Your feelings are valid”. Let me preface this by saying that it’s not a bad phrase at all, it’s actually very good and one-hundred percent true! However, I think people also tend to use it as a way to justify childish, petty, and sometimes even reckless behavior. The phrase “your feelings are valid” is a way to tell someone, “I understand why you feel that way, and it’s okay to feel this way” – nobody’s feelings are ever wrong. People feel what they feel and that’s okay. What’s not okay, is validating someone’s reckless actions that take place because of how they feel. As a true friend, it is your duty to ensure that your friends always make the best decisions for themselves. If you are someone that encourages reckless behavior, or selfish actions because your friend feels hurt, you are not being a good friend, allow me to explain why:
I absolutely believe that validation can be turned toxic. Toxic Validation is basically just telling those around you, what they want to hear, whether you’re blindly taking their side out of loyalty and habit, or even when they’re, no debate, completely in the wrong. When you, your friends or family are faced with a problem, it’s easy to agree with them, but be sure to carry the wisdom of knowing that there are two sides to every story. By providing toxic validation to your friends, you’re enabling them, and preventing them from thoroughly thinking through their emotions, which they are ultimately responsible for, but let’s be real. It’s hard to think about seeing all sides when you genuinely feel that you have been wronged. Sometimes all they need is an outside source to say, “hold on, wait a minute, let’s think this through”.
So let me provide a scenario; Your friend (Friend A) is telling you about a recent argument that occurred with another one of their friends (Friend B). Friend A wants to do something to get back at them. From what Friend A is saying, you clearly see that they said something/did something to upset Friend B without realizing it.
A positive validation response would be to explain to Friend A, that their feelings are valid, and that you see where they may have caused Friend B some pain.
Example: “Friend A, I completely understand why you feel that way, I think this situation would be upsetting to anyone. From what you told me, do you think it’s possible that when you said/did…that they got offended by that? Maybe you two just need to hear each other’s sides of this so you have a mutual understanding of your feelings!
A toxic validation response would be to side with Friend A, simply because they are your friend. This can be either by disregarding Friend B’s perspective and simply accepting Friend A’s truth, or deep down, you know they are wrong, but refuse to tell them out of fear of rejection.
Example: “Friend A, your feelings are completely valid. Friend B is obviously overreacting, why are you even friends with them if they can’t take a joke? You should just unfriend them. They don’t deserve you. You’re 100% in the right. Just ignore them, that’ll show them not to mess with you!”
Notice the difference? It’s hard to speak up sometimes, especially when a friend is hurting. Knowing this simple fact will make it so much easier to speak up:
True friends will accept that you can’t always take their side, and will take no offense to that. (Read that again.)
So the next time you validate someone’s feelings, be sure to keep an eye on their actions as well, and remember, feelings are never wrong. It’s all about what we do with our emotions that matter.
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