30th June 2021

Leaving all those past behind. Saying goodbye. It was hard, never easy. It was years of pasts that I was carrying along but couldn’t leave it. I was too attached to my past even until now as I’m writing along ..

I’m restless for the things I’ve done, for some-thing that I have committed too.

It all started,

Back in 2016, right after high-school, higher education, I moved to other state on my own willingness, away from friends. I wanted to get out from my comfort zone. Got to admit, it’s a little hard enough to adapt around but hey, I was all on my own .. so what could go wrong isn’t it?

That’s when, the adventure begins. It was lively, super LIVELY ! I wished I could go back to being a 20 year old, all over again. Getting off from a 5 years of a relationship wasn’t a big deal to me. I was able to dealt with it. Little by little, I did get over it.

Then one night, it hit me, so hard. Why (?) The pain was bearable, a hint of memories recalled but .. but why did it came back?. Maybe it was my mind whom I wanted to remembered, maybe it could be just me, missing the memories I used to had, an episode of a 5 years of a beautiful relationship that I was in. Those were the good ones, then came the bad ones but it was never a regret-ion (if that make sense) – I may have learnt from what could’ve been done and what not but I was just a girl, naïve, and everything’s been controlled for a reason ..

My best friend was there, will always be there for me. A person I could count on, forever, and so I thought, I wished. Feels like, thing’s been falling apart too, now. But, God blessed this person, always.

One thing’s for sure, they don’t know me, entirely. What I’ve done, what happened to me, why did I took those steps .. Honestly, no one knew, no one bothered knowing, so what more if they asked about it, right?

“No one knows YOU more than YOU”

Years later, I met a few guys which I was really attracted too. They were nice. And I was silly for trusting them right away because I was legit hanging with all these complicated strings. It felt good, toxic but good. It hurts, soul-crushing and maybe it was necessary for me to get myself back on track. I was wrong ..

I met a guy that I have an eye for him, a long time thingy, right after I lost a person to death that I was really REALLY close too.

That death took away a person whom I cherished the most, who is down for anything to go on a super crazy adventure with me, will never lose hope on me, and you could named the rest .. A person, who is everything to me. That was the biggest slapped that I never wished for, but it came to life, until I were kneeled down, in tears for hours, days, months. I was really balancing up all my aura in positivity, but that death took away everything I had. My smile, my happiness, my love, my feelings for a really long time. I was numbed, down and empty ..

To filled in the void that I was going through, this guy that I have been seeing makes me feel a little bit better. It was wrong, it will always be wrong but back then, I was vulnerable and anything to make me feel good, I was up for it. Anything .. 

Things started to get a lil spiced up. But we were hanging and feels like I’m the only one with an effort, an effortless type of effort.

Most of the nights, I teared up non stop. I took it all at one go which was literally horrible and super ugly. It was a complete messed. I teared up, I always teared up to the point where I was left alone. I didn’t want to disturb anyone but at the same time, no one was able to lend me their shoulder even for a second.

It has been weeks since I’ve had a good long sleep. I’ve been getting panic attacked in the wee hours for the fact that, my mind was bothered, I was not in peace. Above all that, I missed my dead friend, a lot.

I started consuming alcohol, more than ever, so that I could’ve better nights, smoking more when I should’ve stopped it because I wanted to remember all those smoking moments I had. I made a promise to my dead friend when we were together, a lot more alive, having our silly-funny conversations, that I WILL quit smoking only if you less it down. I BROKE THOSE PROMISES .. I couldn’t kept it, no more.

It’s like, you took things to your own hands and deciding your mortal life whether you do shits or you go back to being the naïve and good ol’ daughter. My mother hated me for I was, back then, a bitch. I rebel, I went against all the odds that couldn’t stop me for being a real bitch. No one ever did anything to stop me anyway. Even the guy I was seeing or my best friend, couldn’t do anything about it. I mean, if I couldn’t stop myself, what makes you think a random stranger could stopped me, right? 

But it was that story that the guy said, keeps me awake from the bitch I was turning into,

He told me, “I used to like this girl, very much, it kept him alive till that very moment. Those 3 months of their relationship was the most beautiful ones and I could never love anyone that much. That I can bet you with anything, losing her was the most painful reality that I had to go through. Both of them knew, they wouldn’t last, It was more like the “right person, wrong time” phrase. I was a chain smoker but for her, I quit that shit. I only took it back after she left me, scattered in pieces.”

Those were all the painful reality that we went through. The heartbreak was unbearable. But what’s life without ups & down? As much this story excites me, I didn’t really stopped it anyway. I still continued my habits, it was something that keeps me reminded about those living memories I had. I started hallucinating, always in a delusional state. It felt good, because that was what life giving me, pain (back then). I failed to think wisely because I was going through a pain where I couldn’t described it myself.

Even after that story, this guy wasn’t the one that make me quit smoking entirely. It was the other guy that I met next, make me quit every single thing. Then it all came back, my smile, my soulful laughs. Those few months with the man I really wanted to be with, gave me the butterflies (feelings) every-time we meet. It tickles me with laughter, I was happy, a happy little kid. We’d always meet-up for a jog. It was a motivation to met me, he said. He rather woke up to watched the sunrise with me than sleeping. We would talked and talked until the sun rise up really high, still we would find a place for a shaded to talked. Whilst talking, I thought, how amazing it would be with this man here, I like the approached, his calm-ness, the way he would looked at me, like I’m the most precious thing. I’m always the precious thing, that we both knew, very much, he lost it. We got really closed, we shared something we would never said it out to anyone. And every-time we met, he’ll just look at my face, stroked a few strands of my fringe to the back of my ear, came really close to me to the point where I could hear his breath and whispered ‘you’re so beautiful, I couldn’t take my eyes off you’ we would just forehead-ed each other there, in his car. Oh God, that feeling is just so pure.

Until, I fucking ruined ALL of it. 

God knows how much I regretted saying that word out but the little gut & guilt in me was slightly relieved because believed it or not, a man like that, started turning his back on me. It was never like before, we drifted apart. Before it can be saved, it collapsed and turned into ashes. How would you saved the same ash and make it into the same building that was built .. you can’t ..

It still scarred me till this day. A person, I wished could give a thought, about us. That same man, I quit all my habits, it somehow made me a better person, while the rest called me an idiot.

My friends who knows me from being a badass bitch right to this day, they will never called me an idiot, because they knew what I went through. To those that called me an idiot, they didn’t knew, dying was an option to my mind back then. Delusional. Depressed. Empty. Vulnerable. Got kicked out, far away from a life I wished I could have it once again but with a better way of approaching. I couldn’t owed to what I have done. I lost it. A one last try …,  maybe it would’ve been an entire new situation that I may have loved it more, but it wasn’t in my possession to even began with.

Still,

I wished, I could spend a day out with that guy, to all those beautiful places, even when it’s all filled with memories be it the good one or the bad ones. It’s not to rectified the mistakes that we’ve done but to be with him, just for a day. It’d be the most beautiful thing and a lifetime appreciation that I’ll cherished. He became the “I could never ever feel the same with anyone else” ..

Just so you know, a memories where I could only lived with it and not able to spend with those beautiful humans that I’ve been with and losing them, makes me realised that at some point of time, I took it for granted. I rushed into things, fast enough to broke something valuable to myself. Took me long to realised what was going on.

All the relationships that I was involved, it was madly amazing but all of them were just in disguised, running away from reality. That’s what I did. I did not regret even on the slightest bit of my everything.

Certain phase of my life, my friends are my heroes, like the God in disguise. I knew my circle of friends, they went through hell lots of shit but alongside, we all went through a disaster ones in different ways.

There are many ways that I could’ve realised but guess this way was the one I chose. It didn’t make me any stronger nor did I regretted it but, I realised what was I getting myself into. I started to think that, it doesn’t have to be me figuring things out, always.

It will come back haunting in thoughts but … it wasn’t just the thoughts, I just wished I could’ve done better.

There are things that made me vulnerable to the point where I couldn’t bring myself up and along the way, it leads me to a certain mistake which I wished I could’ve done something for myself but I let it go. I let the mistake to happen, I chose it. To filled in void, I did whatever I could to make myself feel any better. But I wished that wasn’t the way I chose but I did ..

It was all an honest mistakes that I did regretted at some point of my life. But I’m happy that I did it.

Maybe it wasn’t a goodbye, I managed to coped up with reality …

And so I did figured out that, happiness comes from within but with the people that you chose to be with, to love with, to stayed with, makes it 100 times better. I found mine.

I’m DAMN LUCKY with all the pleasure & compliments I’ve received from people around me and more to be receive. A man that I’m in love undeniably with, a family who always have my back, my little circle of friends that I knew I could count on. All those adrenaline rush in me, keeps me going on alive with a goal that comes along and it is necessary. There would be something for me, which is in-store for future. But for now, I’m super grateful for the ones that stayed with me. For the ones that left me, I’m sorry for the things that I’m in guilt for, probably we’re not meant to be together for now, but I’ll never forget your deeds.

And for the one, that I wished, you wouldn’t have left me that night, I wished you’re alive in all formed where I could see you, touched you, laughed out loud with you and hugged you way tighter before you could left, alone. I wished that goodbye, was never the last thing it has to be .. I wished ..