I adhere to all those little things in which I’ve found happiness.

Little did I know, there’s partly sorrows in them.

There was a time when I was clear as a hawk. There was a time when I’d be lost in my own fantasy. And there was a time when I’d be blur like a stunned, little pup, and I don’t even know how to react to certain things in such circumstances.

I’m actually a really emotional and sensitive individual on the inside, but versatile on the outside.

By all means, I use emotions as the first act, which makes me vulnerable in most stages of my life because I have no control over it. I’m good and firm in almost all the aspects of what I’ve built for myself, yet I still failed to control my mindset in being vulnerable.

Vulnerability has its own pros and cons. It definitely feels surreal from what I’ve been through.

But this man here somehow makes everything way better than I could ever asked for.

I have much free time to reminisced and honestly, I missed most of the stuff which I was not able to do so. Also, I’m super duper grateful because I’ve outgrown from what I’d thought I’ll be. Falling in love wasn’t a plan or in a plan at all, if I did then it means I’m all innit for the one. Believe it or not, I wasn’t really in my most cleared mind to be in a relationship. Maybe because dealing with the previous emotions that I had, bugs me a lot and it takes a whole lot of spirit and intensity to be in love, again. I did gambled with what I lost and what I was about to get. One things for sure, I learned a lot about the man, I’m in love with and frankly it wasn’t what I expected and on initial stage … it felt difficult because we had vast differences than commons, tough luck eh (?). I could do listing or an easy way out, called it off but then, it was worth a try to make things right.

This may sound cliché’ but I think we worked things out just fine, for every possible reasons. There were emotional wrecking moments where we discovered the real person we are through each other, controllable anger when we couldn’t lived with certain phases of our pasts, probably jealous on a few things which keeps loitering around our mind but most importantly, love & happiness. I discovered a whole new attachment and character development in this relationship. Be it the good or bad, we literally worked together to put in effort for the both of us even if we’re not really in good terms. I mean, we’re adults and honestly we could be doing anything we want but there’s a few things which I admire a lot in here,

We don’t leave each other no matter how annoyed or pissed we legit felt. We gathered this pause whole-irritational-moment & still forgive for the mistakes that we did.

Honest, that’s what all it takes. I probably might not have been honest from the start due to uncertainty because being with a person whom you wants to, altering your personality was the best choice because you’re still getting to know them. It is best to be yourself but trust me, it’ll be a heck of a nonsense if you say “I’m just being myself” .. Nope !!

I’ll tell you why ..

We all altered a part of ourselves for someone we’d cared about and in the hope of loving them even more until you’re comfortable and that’s when you tend to opened up about your inner past & dark sides. It wasn’t easy to just blurted out every single thing although I did, but it ain’t all. It did lead to soul-crushing moment but I didn’t regret a single bit because my partner meant the world to me & it’s crucial to know that what makes a huge turn for me to be who I am right now. There were lots of drama or probably we didn’t knew that we were capable of such things, over-judged & definitely assumption were made from the first look. For a moment, it felt awkward and different, as in ‘who are you, really’. We judged. It took literally a month for both of us to completely adjust with part of each other’s pasts & that was just past. Not including the attitude. One thing I’ve learned, NEVER EVER talked or cling-ed more onto pasts because that shit literally destroyed to what you could’ve built on together. For me, it dragged for months and living with it, was a torture. Many things you found out, it keeps you awake in the wee hours. It’s just, you did not saw this coming and kept feeding in extra unnecessary information, unknowingly was definitely a terrible idea.

In many ways, we find love, we seek love, could it be through people that are in disguise for love? Through people that doesn’t deserve your existence? Through the heart that beats for you? Or just another playdate that keeps an episode of life, interesting? …

It all stops there.

Never have I really thought deeply ever in a relationship because .. it was all a fantasy, for me. I never really had a real one that doesn’t involved lies & betrayal so it became a fantasy that I enjoyed thoroughly. It hurts, pain, nerve-cracking but it’s pleasurable in every lines and ways. Future with a ‘relationship in’ is just not part of the plan.

But for this man, I foresee my future with.

He’s not one of those man that comes with all the sweet talks dialogue from movies and novels that I’ve read but he’s more of a ;

Bright content mindset filled with a good sense. From the first look, I very well knew he have altered his personality for me. He did not start with all those dramatic love scenes, it was more of a maturity talks which attracted me more because I left those fantasy long way back and it’s impossible for me to look at it again after all that I’ve been through. He have this cute little laugh, when he laughed, he holds his tummy so hard and eventually you’ll laughed along too. It literally makes you laughed so hard watching him laughing. That’s when you knew he had a good ol’ laughed, you rarely hear that. He have this smile, Oh God, I thanked Him for the beautiful edges and curve of the smiles on him, you can awe him all day long. He have this panda-looked because he usually sleeps for a bit and then continues his routines, hence, the eye-bag and dark circles. He have thisss enormously long curly lashes and thick eyebrows .. ain’t that beautiful? Ohh yeah !! He also have 101 terrible photos of mine and still appreciate and admires you more even when you’re not feeling yourself. Weird but I’m fine with that. Though he had hard time opening up about himself in the most narrow angle, which was absolute tough from his side but at the end of the day, I appreciate him as he’s honest about it. He was and will always do things for what I wanted and wished for, now that’s the reality rain-check I would jumped into. He have these little obsessions on babies which I could never understand off but probably because they’re smol, and looks like a little burritos, that’s all. He’s honest about everything, I no longer had to lived with lies and I’m honestly the happiest woman !! He had further plans for us now, then, future. It felt good when he put it down in statements, I loved it when he plans things right away. He also knew I love food more than human beings, he’s exceptional from that

For the first time, I actually planned a future ahead for us. Thoughts that I’ve never take into consideration, I started taking things the other round, things that I barely take it seriously, now I’m doing it for the guy I’m undeniably in love with  .. And he’s a part of my growth, my journey of life. Another part of him that loops in ;

Communication. I’ve read a lot about ‘communication’ leads to a well-being of a relationship. In most cases, you could prove them wrong like what’s the point of communication when there’s literally no content? Right? …

We compromised in almost everything I’d say because our situation is such and giving up was the last options to which, I hope we would never opt for. Communication is the most crucial thing ever for the both of us since we couldn’t met often and it hurts to have it this way. Any little gap of misunderstanding filled in, it’ll burned down all bridges. But with him, he’s the Bob the Builder and we’re both doing it, together

Never have I ever felt more difficult because of distance. Oh God, I feel heavy & empty because we barely meet due to distance, it’s definitely a challenge that the both of us signed up for. It is tough & it will always be tough but with the man I love, but he made it slightly easy for me to lived along with the distance. I tend to teared up such situations because it somehow keeps my mind sane. That’s when ‘communication’ plays a role innit. I like how we always have the matured talks because either way we kept reminding each other to be motivated, staying positive even though luck is not on our side and believing.

Understanding. He understands most of the thing even when he finds it difficult to accept it especially from my side because I’ll have to compromise with lot of things. It is difficult but for a man like him, he understands it although he wasn’t in the position to do so. It’s definitely an awe for me, because in this circumstance, it’s frustrating too.

Committed. Feels like a tomato salsa, there’s sweet, sour, spicy & tangy flavour innit exactly describing how it is and having around a person whom can adjust to be that way & to just give it all in, it’s remarkable. It wasn’t easy if I’m honest, it’s not easy being in a relationship neither difficult. It takes courage for a stranger to finds out how you were & vice versa and will they ever get bored or too many flaws around (?), not the right vibes .. you know, all these actually counts in.

Say ‘Love’ .. What is ‘Love’?

Love is a commitment, it should be loyal, honest,

Love should be all about trust, truthful, understanding,

Love is a marriage, Love is about respecting each other,

Love is all about forgiving each other, accepting flaws of past,

Love is satisfaction, lustful,

No no no ..

Love is just Love. You can’t do anything about it, you just feel it. It’s such a pure & beautiful feeling. Love doesn’t comes along with a static contract. It’s just a fertile ground of love …

But when you’re personally committed to an individual, you tend to figured out all of these to be together. It takes a high level motivation, trust, courage & strength to be all innit .. And it all falls into a decision of ‘commitment’ . It’s not easy to love a person, the same person everyday. Lot’s of high & low roads, high level of understanding, multiple doubts, and probably try not being legit fed up with all the dramas that’s gonna be in any soon.

Back then,

My first ex was the only person I could really loved. Same person, every day, for a long term … And so I thought 

Until we both decided to parted ways.

Guess not every first love story makes out alive, no?

Then came the second, then third, fourth and it kept going on, merely fooling around .. I can’t, I just lose it & never felt the same, no more. The doubts, the lies, the betrayal kept swirling around me because I couldn’t find what I wanted in them. I was excited but no .. it wasn’t the same as what I would really want with in future. I altered myself in many ways & time .. but it just didn’t work-out.

Then came this man, whom I’ve never thought what we’d be right now. This is different. I felt protective towards this man & he did the same. I’m innit with all my heart, I actually gambled in first & never knew this is what, I would cherished for long term. I felt peaceful for the first time in any of those things I’ve been in. All those nonsensical things are out of my head. Most importantly, I find out a few new things about myself through his eyes & mind in a good way. He’s there, supporting me in every possible ways and out-stands it. Those little letters and token of love makes me feel appreciated in all ways. He made it peaceful for me to be with him & it is lovely. I let my defenses down and seeing me vulnerable at a certain stages of my life was never an advantage to him, he always hold my hands and make sure I get up from every difficult, devastated moments, opening up to him was the toughest episode but worth the while, accepted every single flaws I had, sort things out, fell in love, & every single thing with him, is WORTH IT !!!  It’s not a fairy tale which I imagine, No .. but a reality life-check I would lived for. 

You only know it when you’re all in & working things out together.

Now, I yearned to always hear his voice, see the all those lil smiles and that cute holding-tummy-laughs and more long hugs and kisses.

It feels good growing & achieving goals with this man by my side and honestly, it’s the best decision I’ve made in life and can’t wait what’s in-store for us in future !!

Cheers to our 1st & many more years and mission through thicc & thin with you, Agent V. I wouldn’t wanna have it another way ..

“Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same”
― Emily Brontë

Love, 

Susu