Two years of love, struggles, argument & happiness. But, eventually when one sides started to not feel loved, what’s the point of this relationship? True enough..

But what was I holding to, really? The scared of being lonely? Never able to find a better man?

I honestly don’t know & I don’t have any answers to that, at all.

But, what I know is that, I love the man so much .. even though the world are against him.

I’m in love but then why things should go down this way? My family, the man I love? Why no really understands me? This man, that I poured my heart too, my family don’t really liked him? Why? Reasons to be told are extremely ridiculous but deep in, part of it were true but everyone learns from mistake. Why point it out so bad against me? Is it wrong to fall in love with the man, that makes a living through a club?

It’s weird isn’t it? Being a bartender in a famous hotel is practically fine but not in club? What kind of logic does my parents actually lives in?

My relationship is on a hanging thread. And, he come to me saying, he don’t feel love from my end, countless time. He wants to called it off, he told me, my family is the most horrible people that he ever known !! As much I love my family, part of what he said, just as true although I hate to say the fact that he’s right!

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME??!!!

Why can’t my family leave the fact that I AM HAPPY?!

Do you know, how hard is it to pretend to your family being fine on almost everything whereas my life sucks because I can’t get things right although how hard I’m trying?

He cried .. he cried so much that I can’t sleep for the entire week. I was holding him back, only because I love him, so so much but he wasn’t ready to accept me back. I swallow all the words he could possibly use, his character, his anger that he vented on me for nothing because of little petty stuffs, his angry calls, his tears when he talks about us, his heavy heart, everything. Weirdly, he did not think about how I actually felt .. he did not ask me, a single word “Hey, are you ok?” although I tweeted “falling off 18 floors may not seem a bad idea rn”

WHAT KIND OF NORMAL PERSON WOULD JUST SAY OKAY WITHOUT THINKING THE POSSIBILITY OF ME WANTING TO SUICIDE?!!

He said okay when I gave a silly reason. Which is un-related. Is it normal? Or is it just he possibly don’t care about how I felt but cares more on how he actually felt about himself?

He did not feel like we’re in a relationship because I was hiding the fact from my family, I did not want them to know right now. As how much I knew it’ll break them, I know one day I will have to pull the trigger & let them know that I’m happy with this man. Now that, we’re hanging on a thin line thread … I don’t know what’s gonna happen anyway.

3 TIMES, 3 TIMES HE CALLED QUITS ON US. But, still I hold back because I still think we can work it this out.. But now, I think .. I think it’s going to be another 1 more time of calling quits. And, if this time, it happens again, maybe I should stop holding things back that he thinks it will never work out with me .. maybe it’s time to let go. His happiness is my happiness too even if it means to parted ways. Look, he deserved better life, better gf that can match up to his standards, where he can show her off to the world. He’s famous for Christ’s sake, man & girls would die for him. He deserved a better life & a better gf .. maybe it’s not me. And, maybe he’s right too, he’s not happy in this relationship because of … me. I should stop holding him back for my selfish reasons. I deserved to be alone to what I’ve done and what has happen to him. I made things worst but well, everyone’s too greedy to own up their mistakes so, we left the wound un-treated. Just like, what’s happening to me right now.

That was a nice 2 beautiful years of ups & downs. I’d cherish this relationship the most almost to life .. It’s really unfortunate, that we have to let things go. Looks like we both know who’s going to pull the trigger to set us apart.

The mean side ..

Referring back to birthday wishes. Just because I was super duper sleepy & had a damn long day after frustration and down after work. I was tired but still I stayed awake to wished you. You particularly told me you’d be busy and thanks for making time to called me afterwards because I very well told you I wanted to be the first to wished you. I wished you before and sharp 12AM but what did I get on my birthday? Do you not remember how you wished me on my birthday?? You spoke about birthday wishes, you wanted a proper one, okay fine .. let’s get to that, shall we?!

I was waiting, I woke up every 30 minutes to 1 hour waiting for you to wish me but what you actually did? You forgotten, you were drunk.. have you had any idea how I felt on my birthday? But, did I said anything? Did I come to you and say, I expected a proper nice wishes but instead the person I was waiting to wish me, first & foremost is drunk and practically forgot the gf’s day . Wow! never expected that, really!!

I actually never have my birthday when I’m not depressed. Every damn year since I turned 21. You had no idea how depressed, down & pathetic I’d be on my own birthday. Sure, birthday’s are all fun but I always felt lonely & it’s been 5 years, nothing’s changed. So does this year. You felt alone because you’re lonely but for me, despite having people around, I still feel lonely .. that’s the worst feeling to feel. It kills me to not have what I wanted, spending time with you. All I ask, was you to be patient but then, … you always always had something anyway. When I did not text or call you often, you did not come and ask me, “Hey, are you okay? You didn’t call or text like you used too. Is there anything bothering you?” You just assume I’m busy with my routine. You’re always always not free for me to talk to, to communicate more about us, you did not give me that chance but then, the way you question or tell me things as if, it’s me the one who’s pulling away and not you ..

Can’t you text or call me first? Why don’t you set your ego aside & talk first? When you scroll back your texts, it’s me the one who’s texting you a lot and always, but did you do the same? Did you come to me and say, “I’m gonna be busy today, I’m sorry if I’m gonna reply late” but you pointed that out to me? How am I supposed to know? Why do you always assume I understand everything about you? At least, I own up my mistakes, did you? you pointed out mine and ignore what you did.

I still can’t forget the way you behave when my friend called me at night. Am I not allowed to have a guy friend who can calls me anytime? Why is it, if a girl calls or text you, she’s your friend but it doesn’t applies the same to me? You left me, all alone in the room that night, I was sick, crying texting you, assuring you but what you did?? You scolded me, you tore my paper wishes from a friend, you messed up, and texted me just because you didn’t wanted to face me. You chase me to bed, you avoided me. Not even a sorry for what you did? Did I came and say anything about it to you?

It didn’t occurred to you, right? You only feel, no love from my end. It breaks me, a millionth time hearing it from you ..

Another chance ..

A random lady gifted you flowers, I heard your happy voices through phone call. You were excited & content, at heart. I wished you could hear you laugh and smile, it was so cute & I felt your happiness when you got it. I was happy too but .. why didn’t I received the same gesture when I gifted you flowers? Why? Why was I treated differently? What was the reason that you scolded me & say “why flowers?” You even told me, you can’t even out to take the flowers I gifted you .. only when you think, I’m pissed, then you’d do it. Why is it different with me? You had no reaction, I didn’t received the same laughter that I yearns to hear, I didn’t received the same kind gesture that lady gets from you …

I bought you cologne, even in that video, you did not smiled, why? When that same lady bought you T-shirts from Zara, and cried knowing you will never return the love she had for you. Yes, she did put in her efforts knowing you have me, you comforted her, you were there with her, saying it’s okay. But, why didn’t I received the same knowingly I’m down? Devastated? Feeling left out? It kills to always hear you saying, ladies come to you for love & you console them and saying no. I’m happy because you love me, but why you’re not as caring as you should be, with me?

But instead, you repeatedly kept saying, my family are this & that, did I ever come to you and point out all of this? Not even once! It’s not because I silently accept my fault, NO! It’s because I understand your view but have you ever thought about how I felt?? You didn’t .. You only think that I’m selfish & I’m not brave enough to speak to my parents about us and will leave you someday. You judge me but you never ask how am I feeling?

It kills me when you didn’t reply my calls & texts. It kills me when I called you 5 times because you weren’t answering & you thought I’m a crazy bitch who is super obsessed with you. It kills me when you scold me because I wanted to hear your voice but then you’re busy to even answer my texts & calls. It kills me when I did not receive the same gesture when I’m your gf but you treated other people better … I just wanted to let you know, I did put in effort, I did shower my entire love on you, I’m still doing it, for you. I don’t need expensive gifts from you to justify that’s love. All I need, was an attention from you. But, do you know what I get in return?

You don’t feel love from my end ..

We’re all broken in our own ways. Just that, if it happens to you, you acknowledge it but when comes to me, you ignored me, I’m invisible to what your heart feel about me.

The end ..

So, who deserve better? Myself or you?

I’d say you, even though you broke me a millionth times more than you love me. You still deserve the best life that could offer you because I love you, so much that I have to let you go. Some love doesn’t really ends with a happy ending, it ended with sacrifice. I really wish to spend my lifetime with you, my love..

Your happiness is my happiness, even if it meant to … let you go.

Love, 

Susu