I have a chaotic messy mind, like some normal individual. But what’s not normal is that, you’ll develop mental health issues. I’ve read a lot of journal, documentaries, & gone through some research. Now, I couldn’t believe that I’ve actually developed those cells into myself. And, that’s barely normal. I’m hardly the kind of individual whom will find reasons to fault anyone but here’s the actual reason why I’m not okay, and to what I’ve become.

My family,

As how much my family could be absolutely supportive of myself but, when comes to decision, they interfered, causing thunderstorm & pretending like they know the best out of me, without asking me if I’m okay with it. At the end of the day, they will say “ahh it’s your decision”. I let it go, after all it’s my family. I love them equally as how much I secretly despise their decision making. They’re nice people but, there’s always a con in being nice..

They’re happy with everyone’s choice except mine, why? Since the first guy I’ve ever dated. As time pass by, I’d always thought maybe parents could see something I don’t. Only now, I watched my moves, they’re wrong, just wrong. Because, this time, it killed me to the core.

Because they always always always think, they’re right & they know best even when the famous phrase hit my life like a BANG!! “Parents knows the best for their kid” They really think, they’re doing the right thing.

I want them know, that they’re wrong about it!

And, 

God knows, how much I wanted to move out & live on my own …

By making the decisions for me, my parents dislikes all the guys I’ve ever dated, which I thought, it was normal for parents to feel so & should be fine over the time. Even with the current one. But you see, the God hated me even more, he blessed me with a chaos in my life with a hanging relationship between the man, I love & my family. Even so, I still love the man, so much even when I kept the relationship low-key. Both sides despise each other so much, I break-down even more.

No one, asked me if I’m ever feeling okay with all of this happening around me? It kills me, and you know what it caused me instead?

1. Anxiety
2. Panic Attack
3. Depression
4. IED (Intermittent explosive disorder)

I did not consult any therapist, because I’m trying to calm down & wanted to cure my mental health. But, still .. I’m trying… so hard.

My love,

The man that I love so much, said “I’m a guy, what you think I should do when you said you’re not ready to be intimate?” knowing that intimacy isn’t everything in life. He stopped kissing me instead. I was ready, I was exceptionally ready to be on the next level but then, he did not understand when I refuse to foreplay back. Then, relatively you know faults are at your end, it’s always gon’ be there, pulling and hitting the same point until you solved it. My family became the main issue of the story relating to how hurtful the entire situation really is. You see, at this point of life, I honestly understand more than ever because it has been pointed out at least 100 times in the last 5 months. And, from there, I think I’d know how to convince my family just that, I choose not to do it now because I was slightly taking advantage as well, which is wrong, I know but I wanted my freedom to travel, I don’t want to be caged within the 4 walls that hears me being depress & frustrated all over my mental health. But, it wasn’t in his place to understand what was I going through … In an Indian household, you can only make out alive to travel with anyone when you’re married or either single. It wasn’t easy growing up in mine.

I absolutely miss his kisses, hugs, literally everything. He was pissed because he compared our not-so-pretty relationship with his best mates, I know. He highlighted most of the dark sides & not the beautiful sides of what we have been doing together. He also knew very well, I’ll be in at where he’d be but then, he  told me that he couldn’t take the day off to be with me because he’s been taking off quite frequently ..

When he needs me in at where I am, I took the day off just to be with him without thinking twice even-though I have work being piled up. I invest my time with him. With one point, I got hit 20 times in a month, imagine me making mistakes that he wasn’t satisfy another time. So, it’s gon’ be 30 times to get all poked, Ouch! One of the mistake that I did that he was not satisfy, is that I slept off earlier when I was supposed to stay awake with him. That’s my bedtime, and what you expect me to do after a heavy meal? Dance?

I tried staying awake but I couldn’t & without me realizing, I doze off. He was pissed the entire time until I left. He cried thinking whether this relationship could withhold the weight of tears that we both contributed too. I’m well aware that I have my flaws and since then, I’ve been trying to be better for him. He’s pissed, he’s just so frustrated and mad, that he wouldn’t talk to me properly .. sounds like he’s to the end of giving up on us.

He was an angel that I knew, until my parents turned him into a monster, drenched in hell, filled with nothing but sensitivity. I’m in guilt for making him felt that way. I’ve been trying to rectify to what my parents has done to him. My man, is a nice beautiful man. When you’re with him, you wouldn’t realized how time flies fast. He’s an absolute love but … sensitive.

Myself,

To be absolutely honest, no one knows what I want in life because no one was 100% supportive about it. I screamed for help, no one came to my aid & so, I carried the burden with me until now as I’m writing this down ..

I have dreams too! To be happy with a life that I’m being married to the man I love, having the best sex, being pregnant, carrying my child that’s freshly out of my vagina, succeeding in my career & getting the best education that I would be honoured to received it, living stress-free, seeing my family & in-laws being the happiest, also adding-in my cat. But now, all seems to be crashing down, that I hardly could catch-hold it. From time to time, I would just explode my anger and frustration by shutting the doors & only within 4 walls could hear my pain. If I could really fix things right, I would do anything just to be with the man, I love. It hurts, when he’s not okay. But even-then, he only cares for what he thinks more than myself. Yet, he had the audacity to say I’m selfish & always on my own.

I screamed my lungs out, it felt horrible & somehow, it make me get through the day.

I cried profusely, feeling the pain aching my heart out deep, deep, down.

My mental is draining out, breaking down, day by day, time by time, and it’s exhausting.

I can hardly breathe, even when any words come out from his & it’ll triggered my mind

I’ve develop IED in me, exploding from time to time

I’m full of rage, that my mental health deteriorated more

I am also to the point of dragging myself to the cemetery & burying myself alive or maybe falling off a cliff with nothing to choose to live for.

I thought relationship is all about compromising with each other because both individuals aren’t perfect. Despite the differences, I wish this is something that could he could see at.

We’re different, so, what?

That’s what make us, one. All relationships have their ups & downs but why do you refuse to accept it? It’s always NOT about the sunshine & rainbows, it’s also about thunderstorm & lightning. Also, it’s not always about how he felt, I wish he could be open and caring towards how I felt too. He thinks I did not cared about him, in fact I really wish he knew what I’ve did for him ..

I wanted to have the best sex with him too, duh! Who wouldn’t?

But I grew up with a mindset that has stayed with me for 26 years, sex is only allowable after marriage. That’s my pride, my honor, & my respect to the one & only one man ..

It’s not like I wanted to break all stereotypes but then … it’s just me. I wanted, so much, to have sex & be so so so close and I was so so much ready until I’m not ready because I was afraid, will it be pain? will I like it or will you like it? what of things changed between to really bad because I wasn’t good enough? Even when we didn’t do it, what’s the differences in these circumstances? I was absolutely ready until .. I overthink.

You did not calm me, instead, you push me away from you.

Guess, this is where all relationship is being tested, don’t they?

You know why, I didn’t leave this relationship instead I still live for it? Because I can view the differences we had & the ones, my love has acknowledge me AND still love him despite the differences, that’s what makes us, special! but he viewed it as a differences …