What is a relationship, really? What happens when it falls but both individuals wants to make it spark back?

We communicate,

We fix,

We stay,

That’s maturity

But, why doesn’t mine be that way? My partner said, he lost the love on me. Why? Because I wasn’t much loving. He hated my family so much, he don’t think he could live with the fact that they disliked him first even though he has helped them out. I didn’t behave like how a girlfriend should be, I didn’t talked about us, I was selfish, I slept earlier when I could about us, we did not communicate much as we should, I didn’t support him, I didn’t think about him, I just didn’t do stuff that he expects to do so without me knowing. It was always me, just me, will be me.

There was this once, he asked me, how long will I keep fixing things in this relationship?

I told him “I wasn’t fixing things, I’m improvising things around so that I could be better and deserving for you, this is relationship, we may see all the ups & downs, we communicate to improve”

Little did I know, he was done with ‘us’ ..

He told me, how hurt he is, couldn’t eat nor sleep properly. Kept losing concentration at work, in life, crying because of the way I am in this relationship…

But, he didn’t think of me. He didn’t cared about how I would feel.

Keeping and aligning both sides (my parents & partner) is absolutely tough. I had to go through things and hearing horrible stuffs about both sides, listening to both sides, taking care each & every particulars of both sides. I had more bad days than good days. Life was tough doing & making sure each sides are okay. After all this, what I got instead?

1. IED
2. Panic Attack
3. Depression
4. Difficulty in breathing

It effected me, so bad but still I try my best to make sure both sides are okay even when I’m falling apart. No one was there, to asked me if I’m ever okay, do you need a shoulder to lean on for a bit. NO! NO ONE! Because no one knew about this, I was very discreet about things and didn’t let anyone have the slightest hint about it.

I’m not trying to compared things between myself and my partner but then it killed me at the part where, despite what I’ve done & still trying to be better for him, he lost the love for me. He could no longer love me like how he used too. Till this date, I still love him, just so so much that I couldn’t believe a single bit that he lost the love for me.

I asked for more time, only because I needed time to speak to my parents about our relationship, he thinks he’s my scandalicious secret. I wish he understands the path that I’d be risking for him, I wish he had known what I’ve done for him to be better because it’s a learning process, I wish he had understands me for sacrificing my mental health condition that have traded from bad to worst, I wish he had understands the pain I had to go through hearing words from himself & my parents, I wish he had the chance to asked me, hey, I know our relationship has been really un-stable at the moment & you did a great job putting lot’s of effort to improve better .. are you okay, mentally?

I really wish he had asked me all this because I’m not okay but I have to be okay … somehow

I really really really really really wish he had asked me this.

Sadly, no. Because he only cared more on how he felt rather than me, thinking I’m living in a nice supportive family house. If & only he knew what was I going through, I don’t think this would happen.

He wasn’t happy being with me, he has definitely gave up on us, he lost the interest & love on me …

I had to pull the trigger this time, even though I promised him that I’ll never let you go no matter what happens, it’s us, forever & ever and with a heavy heart, I pulled the trigger … because as much as I love him, I had to him let go for his happiness. Doesn’t matter mine, his happiness is my happiness. As much I don’t wanna let him go because my love on him is just infinity, I got to do it ..

When I close my eyes nor open my eyes, my mind constantly thinks about him,

Whenever I’m doing anything, my mind constantly thinks about him,

And now, whatever I touch, all dies

Whatever I do, hits me back with a triple effect

I’m back to the 4 walls that hears my pain, my screams, my tears

Can’t wait to begone …

Even when he break me for the millionth time, I still love him for the way he is, so much that … I had to let him go not because I wanted to but it’s because he wants too ..

Goodbye, my love …