The first stage of still learning to let go of what you thought you’re building a bond for lifetime being shattered right in-front of your eyes, it’s absolutely the toughest decision, ever. Crazy, right? Just when you thought, you finally found the one & he has lost interest …

But do you know, what’s harder than being in a zone where you’re still not letting go but you have to because deep down your heart, you knew it very well, he ain’t coming back?

He going out with other woman, and I honestly have no idea if that’s really his friends or going out on a date. I didn’t want to ask because I have no rights, we broke up & we immediately lost it. When a guy random replied to my tweets, he was furious and literally texted me, “looks like you’re texting someone now…” But you see, that’s the difference between how my mind sees & how his mind interprets it.

Truth is, he is moving on.. Just not me, not that I can’t, I just … still love him so very much & wanted to tell him that I still have feelings for you but what stops me was the last conversation we had where he had to say it repeatedly, I’ve no feelings for you” And I here, figuring out how to patched us back thinking, it will be okay. Guess, it was better okay for him to call it off instead.

Maybe he was suffering intensely being with me without me knowing anything about it, but he could’ve shared with me instead of dwelling all into himself and immediately think I’m the caused of it. Every single time when we talked, I wanted to pour my heart out & tell him or maybe convince him that all these can be solved, but the fact that these line “I’ve no feelings for you” kept hitting me again & again & again & again & again & again & again makes me to not say anything about it because, there will be no difference & chances given. Maybe it was easy to out & date other woman. That’s truly unfortunate.

I can hear my voices screaming so fucking loud in my head, crying so bad until I’m choking out myself. It is so painful that it numbs me for bit, and it continues again. I can barely sleep, concentrate & focused. I feel like smoking back again, ohh for the love of god! I’ve started drinking back, it felt really good! I threw these habits away for a very long time, & now I’ve picked it up back. If I had a choice of screwing & not screwing up myself, I would go for the first but the pain is just so surreal, I had to opt for the 2nd ones just to make myself feel good & forget all these pain for awhile. It was never easy to just forget pains in life. I remember all the pains I had to go through, vaguely.

I sometimes feel like dying because only then once it for all, I wouldn’t feel pain longer. As much I have this idea planted in my head for such a long time, I’m just not daring enough to actually execute it because I would convince myself, there’s more to life. I would read ALOT of positive quotes & the motivational ones whenever dying was the choice. It helps, well not most of the times because I would also need to contribute my efforts innit. I can read all I want, honestly but it will only work out when I started to involve more innit, moving on from the ones that didn’t want you, didn’t appreciate you that you’re supposed too.

He knows, I love him.

But, I love him more than he knows.

Sadly, it didn’t work out which I hope it will work out. I recently watched Sexlife S2 & after watching the entire series, only then I took a step back & value myself so so so much. ALOT of people told me, if he’s meant for you, you both will be together no matter how many lifetime, it takes. Even, he told me, myself. I didn’t really wanted to believe them but after watching the series, I realised that ALOT of things could happen in the midst of the chaos which you thought it is working eventually it did not! Guess that, if that person chose to leave you, they’re not doing it so that you could change but it’s only because they’re done with it which is applicable to what I’m going through..It was an ultimate setback for me as a person, and I understand what he don’t want & what he wants.

What he wants : Love, happiness & peaceful and constantly be beside him

What he don’t want : Me, to be part of it. Because I was unable to be with him physically,

always

In life, we will always hear one part of the story & each and every bit would be convincing because it’s just one side of the story. His side, he told me everything which I think personally it was selfish of him to decide right away without considering my end. But, I didn’t let him know what was I going through … That night, I wanted to patched things up because that was what I had in mind the entire time, unfortunately, when I truly understands his words & feelings, it broke me, so so so much because the effort was such a waste & 2 beautiful years flew like nothing happened. And, when he emphasis, nothing happened between us” it was like, if it happens, will you then stay with me truly? or just because you had sex with me, you’ll not leave me? That is not how it’ll be like even when “something has happened between us, you can’t just leave like that”

He relies on spark, hence the feelings was no longer strong .. If everyone’s gonna rely on spark, honestly, what is a relationship then? What is love? There will be nothing at all!

Love is a decision,

Love is a commitment,

You decided & you’re committed to it!

Unfortunately, not many understands this. They merely took it as “No spark between us” but there wasn’t an effort to make it spark back like how it was used too ..

Maybe in the coming years, the feelings that resides in me will decrease but, I’ll always love him because it was my decision, once.