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Rules are a funny thing.

As a child, I had a set of rules on the door, set out for anyone who dared to enter my teddy-bear-infested bedroom, one of them being “must love Bananas in Pyjamas.” Life was so simple!

At primary school, I remember being horrified when the other kids would swear, stay up past 9 p.m., or eat Coco Pops for breakfast…not only were they doing these things, but they were doing them without getting in trouble!

Another extreme was a friend who didn’t play risky games in case of ruining their dance career, and so they happily sat watching on while we threw balls at each other’s heads and busted up our knees on the unforgiving basketball court. I imagine at that young age, this choice was somewhat influenced by their parents.

At different points in our lives, we realise our choices actually belong to us. For most, it would be the teenage years, with our aptly named “weapon of choice” usually being a chunky haircut followed by a box of packet dye or a not-very-well-thought-out piercing—which we will no doubt remove several years later and forever be reminded of by the gaping scars left in our bodies.

Adulthood comes around and we tend to throw all rule books out the window—sometimes even that little one fondly known as “the law”—and throw ourselves down a wickedly fun path of self-destruction. The world suddenly feels limitless (until we are hit with taxes and realise our limit is actually a four-dollar bottle of Passion Pop).

Throughout each of these formative periods, we also begin our battle with a much larger beast—ourselves. We are tested to do things that send our moral compass into a spin, and just when we thought peer pressure was something that would be left in the playground, we learn the hard lesson that it is in fact prevalent in every facet of our adult lives:

>> In the workplace when we’re told “go on, it will look great on your resume.” “It” usually referring to many hours of unpaid work.

>> At home where we’re convinced a four-legged family member will benefit everyone’s happiness. Even though you know all to well, you’ll be the one left to feed, walk, bathe, and eventually grieve said family member.

>> At the pub where “one more” quickly becomes 10 more and nobody knows which way is up, or they’ve all gone to bed and left you on your own to make further bad choices.

>> On holiday when your body is screaming for you to relax, but your buddy wants to see what’s up that mountain and can’t possibly do it without you.

We need rules; you need rules. But because we’re adults and this word often automatically makes us want to rebel, let’s instead call them boundaries, and rather than thinking of them as a list of dos and don’ts, instead think of them as red and green signals that are yours and yours alone to control fluidly.

Imagine a physical boundary, a fence for example, exists around your being, and on that fence is a gate and only you have the power to open that gate. If you saw a negative experience standing there waiting to be let in, would you lift that latch? Probably not.

Of course there are times where negative experiences disguise themselves in glitter and fairy lights and stand at that gate with puppy-dog eyes until we let them in. This is usually when that gut feeling kicks in; you know the one, the feeling we sometimes choose to ignore and nine times out of ten really wish we hadn’t.

Let’s face it, unless you are completely lacking self-awareness, you know the situations, actions, behaviours that have been repeated time and time again which either are a bad choice or lead to making bad choices. I bet you’re thinking of something right now. That’s where your boundaries begin.

I’m currently lying in the back of a van, in the middle of nowhere. Nobody knows where I am exactly, or what I’m doing, or who I’m with, or what I’m wearing, or what I’m consuming…my 20-year-old self would be disappointed to learn that I am somewhere quite safe, writing down my thoughts, completely alone, wearing some unflatteringly comfortable pyjamas, well-nourished, and sober.

I guess that’s the difference between knowing the word freedom and truly understanding freedom.

And so to my 20-year-old self I would say:

“If you don’t stand on the edge, you’ll never see the view. Push yourself out of your comfort zone, drink lots of water, and have fun, ridiculous amounts of fun! But when you reach the point where your mind begins to work against you, start asking the question, ‘Is this a good choice or a bad choice for me?’ Then do your best to listen to the answer.”

Life is a giant map, full of pathways, and every single decision we make, whether big or small, sets us on a trajectory.

Start small. The next time you feel pressured to say yes, say “no thank you,” and pay close attention to what unfolds. The outcome of saying no will never be as bad as our minds make it out to be, and the more you practice this skill, the less it will be required as those around you begin to respect your boundaries…and if they don’t, I suggest you question whether they should be the ones around you.

There will always be moments of weakness, moments of putting other people’s feelings first, and moments of regret (which usually set in about half an hour after you eat the fourth Tim Tam); you’re only human, and you want a fence with a gate, not the Great Wall of China.

Having boundaries means that we can confidently make choices most beneficial to our well-being.

If you begin to feel a little selfish, you’re probably on the right track; this is just human conditioning. Know that, ultimately, if you’re living your best life then everyone around you will also benefit, and there’s nothing selfish about that.

Good luck!

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