*Editor’s Note: Elephant Journal articles represent the personal views of the authors, and can not possibly reflect Elephant Journal as a whole. Disagree with an Op-Ed or opinion? We’re happy to share your experience here.

If you’ve ever been lucky enough in life to fall in love, then you’ll know it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world.

When you’re in love, you look beautiful, you feel invincible, the world feels beautiful, your enemies can do no wrong, and heck, you even love yourself.

I have seventy-one years of living and loving behind me, and falling in love surpasses every other emotion. It just can’t be beaten.

And so, when I heard that 45% of young men between 18 and 25 (according to a study by Date Psychology) have never dated, have had no romantic entanglements of any kind, and have never even had sex, I can think of nothing more tragic and sad. Not only are young people missing out on one of the best feelings in the world, but their lack of connection with the opposite sex is a recipe that will leave them adrift, angry, and lonely.

The reason men aren’t dating and women aren’t attracted to them is complex.

I hear the arguments that women are more educated, men aren’t as emotionally mature as their female peers, and women are looking for men who are more grounded and financially secure. Like I said, it’s complicated.

As an older woman, I can still look at young men today and understand why some young women would be attracted to them, or not. And to be honest, I don’t come across too many twenty-year-old dudes who have a lot going for them.

That is, until the other night, when I was watching the news and heard about Aaron Sanders, a 25-year-old diving enthusiast, underwater photographer, and filmmaker who had just been awarded Photographer of the Year. This young dude works as an in-house underwater cameraman in Indonesia, and he spends his time exploring the beauty and biodiversity of the waters here in the UK. What a guy!

With so many young men addicted to video games, porn, hanging out in their mom’s basement, and seduced by manosphere networks and influencers that blame women for their problems, it was so refreshing to see Aaron Sanders with a passion and purpose in his young life. He’s what I call a real catch for any young woman.

But let’s dive deeper into this subject of masculinity and what it really means, because I think a lot of men would be surprised by what women really want in a man.

Having six-pack abs and bulging muscles is all well and good, but a lot of women don’t really care about muscles. Staying healthy and strong, yes, we approve of that, but muscles don’t make a relationship. And for those women who disagree with me, they are typically the ones who end up dating guys who only value them for their boobs and butt.

In the 1970s, when I was in my early twenties, beefcake men were not so popular. I would look at photos of Arnold Schwarzenegger and cringe at the sight of his pecks. He’s the last person I wanted to touch. There was something so unnatural and severe about his looks.

Compare Schwarzenegger to my heartthrob, singer Peter Frampton. There’s a famous photo of Frampton posing shirtless on the cover of Rolling Stone. He was a skinny guy, like many pop stars were in the 70s. But it was his long curly blond hair and romantic love songs that seduced women. Frampton was a guy who wasn’t shy or embarrassed to be vulnerable and express his love for a woman. Long-haired, pretty, unbuffed men were not uncommon in the 70s, and they had no problem attracting women.

The popular trend today of going to the gym is a good thing. We should all go to the gym and become strong and muscular, but young men should also spend the same amount of time and energy on building their emotional and vulnerability muscles.

A lot of young men today are afraid of women. And in a way, I can understand why they feel this way with the rise of the feminist movement. The manosphere world feeds young men a myth that if you date women, you’ll be confronted with a litany of complaints accusing them of mansplaining, being too aggressive, saying the wrong thing, and having non-committal attitudes. Women will chew you up and spit you out, so why bother?

While it is true that many women today are done with putting up with men behaving badly and are no longer willing to tolerate emotionally immature men, it shouldn’t scare men from pursuing a relationship. Instead, it should inspire them to communicate with women and find out what they really want in a man.

Avoiding women is not the answer.

Women have spent decades putting up with emotional abuse from men, but it has never stopped us from dating. We never gave up on men and being in a relationship. And neither should men.

I once dated a guy who, despite his good looks, was emotionally vacant and who delighted in making me feel jealous—he loved to torture me about how I was never as attractive as other women. My friends used to call him a catchy, not-so-nice nickname, hoping I would come to my senses and leave him. He was devastated when I finally left him after two long years. I will never forget him standing outside my bedroom window, crying and begging me to take him back.

Despite the abuse from that particular ex, I was always hopeful that I’d meet someone decent and kind. Which I eventually did. Young men can also live with the same trust and hope. But—you’ve got to stay in the game and learn to take the punches.

Instead of playing the victim and backing off, I would advise young men to arm themselves with some dating skills:

Get comfortable with taking risks.

Ask women out (women love that!).

Talk to women.

Have an opinion.

Make yourself interesting, like that photographer, Aaron Sanders.

Get rejected.

Have your heart broken.

Then get back out there and do it all again.

And watch that emotional muscle grow strong.

Here are some hard truths that young men need to know about being in a relationship:

Above all, men and women are equal—different, but equal. If men don’t believe this or like this fact, then they will be forever doomed when it comes to making a nice life with a woman. That is the bottom line. It’s the foundational piece that has to be present in order for success. Men and women want and demand the same opportunities. We all want to rise and reach our potential.

Young men should know that women want their men to be masculine. So many dudes think that they can’t be masculine around women. It’s one of the biggest myths and misunderstandings about feminist women, and what it means to be a feminist man.

Being masculine means being assertive, opinionated, protective, kind, and above all, well-mannered.

We don’t like passivity, and we are not attracted to men who don’t stand up for themselves.

We’re turned off when you make us your one source of happiness.

We want you to have your own friends and hobbies, and above all, there’s something special about a man who loves his mother.

We like our men to sometimes make decisions and have preferences about where to eat, and also to make the reservation. Men are free to disagree with us. You should have a means of income. And above all, learn to express yourself. Let your partner know you love them.

What we don’t want is force, cruelty, disrespect, violence, and being told what to do and how to live our lives. You don’t get to boss us around. This is what it means to be in a feminist relationship.

I’ve had no shortage of relationships in my long life. I’m on my third marriage, and it took me forty-five years to find the right partner. Those past relationships have caused me to feel some of the best and worst emotions. But they have taught me so much about what it means to be human. Navigating relationships is, for sure, a contact sport.

So for all the dudes out there, you’ve got some inner work to do. Some catching up to do, let’s say. The patriarchy has spoiled you over the years. You’ve gotten away with too much and for too long with overlording women. It’s time for you to close the maturity gap.

When the manosphere world tells you to hate and fear women, when they tell you to control them—know that they are leading you in the wrong direction. Treat all women as if they were your sister or mother.

We are not your enemies.

Don’t deprive yourself (and women) of the thrill of falling in love, of being in love.  It’s the best feeling in the world. Go out and earn that love.

I cannot imagine living in a world without men. Yes, you can and do cause a lot of trouble for women. We’re sometimes scared of you and physically threatened and hurt by you, but I honestly couldn’t live without you.

There’s nothing more delicious than a man who loves a woman. I want you to be that man.

~