“As empaths, we are not here to be sponges or enablers. We are here to be helpers, guides, and supporters.” ~ Aletheia Luna

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Who is an empath?

An empath is someone who feels deeply and at times so deeply that other people’s emotions often feel like their own.

They empathize too much, care too much, and wear their heart on their sleeve, hoping that someone, someday, will love them for all that they have to offer.

They are sensitive, thoughtful, present, and emotionally generous. They are the reliable ones, consistent ones. The ones who are always there, like the 2 a.m. friend, the partner who tries to understand even when they’re hurting, the colleague everyone unloads on because “you just get it.”

Many empaths even internalize others’ pain—absorbing it, understanding it, and sometimes solving it as if it were their own. For some, it almost becomes a life mission: to alleviate everyone’s suffering, even at the cost of their own. And this is what makes them exceptional healers, coaches, therapists, and nurturers. But it’s also exactly what makes them vulnerable in their relationship world because most empaths have a tendency to overdo everything—over-give, overdo, overcompensate—to the point that they become completely empty.

While some of this comes naturally to them, some of it comes from their lack of boundaries—a tiny, 10-letter word that is absolutely essential for everyone and especially an empath’s well-being. This is often the hardest thing for them to practice because most empaths grew up in environments where their empathy was the only way they could survive. They learned early that being attuned to others, being available, putting others first, and downplaying their own needs kept the peace, or they were conditioned to believe that their value comes from being available 24/7 and being amiable and understanding all the time.

“I’m not a mess but a deeply feeling person in a messy world.” ~ Glennon Doyle

Over time, these behaviors create an internal belief: “My value is in how much I give. My worth is in how useful I am.”

So most empaths either never learnt the concept of boundaries or just didn’t know how to set them without spiraling into guilt and shame. Just the thought of honoring them felt—and perhaps still feels—selfish.

A lot of empaths carry self-worth wounds. Many grew up feeling unseen, unheard, or misunderstood.

Some had no one emotionally available for them, so they became everything for everyone else. Their sense of self got wounded and that woundedness quietly shaped how they show up in love and relationships.

And because of this, most empaths end up making the same five mistakes in relationships:

1. Over-giving in the hope of being loved in return.

They believe that if they love deeply enough, selflessly enough, the other person will finally see their value. But love isn’t a transaction, and not everyone has the willingness and capacity to love you the way you’d like to be loved. Most of the time empaths can’t even see that.

2. Ignoring red flags because they understand why people behave that way.

Empaths rationalise everything—trauma, childhood, stress—while abandoning their own reality because their self-worth is deeply tied to their ability to empathize and be available for others even at the cost of their own self.

3. Taking responsibility for other people’s emotions.

If someone is upset, the empath feels it’s their job to fix it. At times, they apologize for things that weren’t their fault, which makes it easy for others to manipulate and gaslight them.

4. Staying in relationships long after they’ve turned painful.

They do this because they see “potential.” They keep waiting for the good side of the person to return, often overlooking the fact that relationships aren’t built on potential. They’re built on what exists in reality.

5. Confusing unconditional love with unconditional tolerance.

They believe love means accepting everything, even disrespect, inconsistency, or emotional neglect because they’re too busy ignoring red flags and waiting for potential to show up.

But here’s what every empath or every person who feels deeply, gives wholeheartedly, and loves from the purity of their heart needs to understand:

1. Love does not have to be earned.

It is not a certificate, trophy, or job title that you need to work your ass off to get. You deserve it simply because you exist, and the right people won’t make you prove your worth with emotional labor.

2. You are not here to fix or heal anyone.

You’re responsible for your empathy, not another person’s evolution, and I say that as a therapist, coach, and healer. No matter how badly I want someone’s life to change or patterns to break, I can only hold space for them; they will grow or not at their own pace. I can only hold space, and that’s all that you can do as well.

3. Not everyone deserves access to you.

Your softness is not community property and the more you treat it like that, the more you will attract the kinds of people who will drain you and leave you empty. This is a boundary problem that you need to learn to solve for yourself so that you have a better quality of life and relationships. Discernment is your greatest superpower; use it. Not everyone who needs you deserves you, and you can be there for others without erasing yourself.

4. You must choose people who choose you back.

Connection without reciprocity becomes self-destruction, and a lot of empaths are guilty of investing in the wrong people and wondering why aren’t they getting love or understanding back.

5. Your worth is inherent, not conditional.

You’re not here to be chosen; you’re here to own your place. You are not an object on display.

Being an empath is your superpower. God knows the world needs more us who feel deeply, can hold space, help and support others, but even Superman heads home and changes into comfy clothes when the day’s work is done, right? Well, my dear empath, you aren’t a super human and you have to stop trying to be one. You are a human with a big heart, which deserves to be protected and loved in the right way, and that needs to start with you.

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” ~ Brené Brown

Yes, you will have to learn to let go even when that’s the last thing you want, be the bad person in someone’s eyes because you set that boundary, outgrow choices, people, and relationships because they no longer fit your vibe or meet your needs, and that’s okay.

Choosing yourself means not settling, shrinking, and letting people walk over you. It’s about using your qualities and gifts to uplift others while uplifting yourself too because you deserve it.

As Maya Angelou says, “You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody.”

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You might like this one too: The Dance Between the Empath & the Narcissist: When Love Becomes a Lesson.

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