Before I have incensed comments, I’d like you to first read the entire article before jumping to conclusions. I am not advocating for people taking their own lives, but merely trying to help people understand the rationale behind this thought.

10 years ago, when I was 17, my secondary school senior and sister of one of my best friends leapt off the roof and killed herself. There was no reason, no explanation, no warning whatsoever. She was the most genuine, beautiful and funny person I looked up to. When I received word about her funeral, I thought it was a bad prank. Even at her wake and watching her family and my best friend weep, I couldn’t even believe it. How is this even real life? Why? She was so young, in law school, so much to live for!

One of the worst parts of this was the media reports that covered her death. I live in an Asian country where mental health is just swept under an imaginary carpet and not talked about. Even up till today, declaring that you have a mental health issue can cost you your job, and whatever jobs you may want to have in the future. All the newspapers could talk about was how beautiful she was and that it was “a waste”.

Here I am 10 years later, still with no closure. What made her take her own life is still a mystery to me. I sometimes wonder if I would meet her after I die and ask what she went through that pushed her over the edge.

I know what some people would say: suicide was selfish of her, no amount of troubles could excuse suicide, she didn’t think of her family members and loved ones. She didn’t think about how it would affect those around her. She didn’t think that it would affect even me, as I’m writing this, as 10 years may seem like a long time but clearly not long enough for me to get over her death. But as a person that has struggled with Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I’d like to say: suicide is an option. A very viable option.

In fact, suicide is an option that is available to every single one of us, whether or not you are suffering from a mental disorder. At any moment of your life, you have the power to end it. In our society today, it is so taboo to talk about suicide, so hushed, so terrible almost as if talking about it encourages people to take their own lives. 2018 seemed to be the year of some change, but to be quite frank, nothing much has changed in terms of the way people perceive suicide.

I have been in multiple situations where I have considered my own mortality. And to be quite frank, the amount of guilt that I have put myself through whilst having suicidal thoughts is even more crushing than the weight of depression in itself. How can I let my family down? How would they go on without me? How would they understand? Will they ever forgive me? I have also received many words from friends where they say “It’ll get better” or “I’ll never forgive you if you kill yourself”, “Don’t be selfish and think only about yourself”. These, of course, come from a place of love and concern, and have nothing but good intentions behind them. But these very same words are the ones that make me feel the extreme pressure of existence, and can push someone over the edge. In fact, those of us who are feeling suicidal have considered everyone else around us but feel so much guilt and shame that in that moment overpowers us.

I don’t claim to be over it, I don’t claim to understand my own depression, I don’t claim to see the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel. I too, am still struggling with this disorder. But it is because I am, and that’s why I feel the need to be heard.

So for those of you who know someone who is struggling with their mental health, don’t tell them you’ll never forgive them. Don’t tell them not to be selfish. Acknowledge their pain, feel their pain, encourage them to talk about the fact that suicide is an option for them at the moment. And that it is okay to think that way because they are in a state of indescribable anguish. Because listening to them talk about their pain is not encouraging them to take their lives, it is being there without judgement with sincerity. Talking about suicide does not encourage suicide: it is the difference between your loved one ending it now or not at all.

And for those of you who are struggling and thinking about ending your lives today, I’d like to say that this is always an option available to us. If you wanted to make a big decision in your life, like buy a house, a car, or even what college to go to, you’d do some research or ask a trusted friend before doing anything right? Reach out to your friend and tell them about your pain. At the end, it only takes a couple of seconds, minutes or hours, and your option is always there. After all, we normally put some space between what we want to do and actually do something, and if it’s a huge decision, we’d need to give it more thought, right?

And if you feel nobody in your life understands you, know that I am here for you, and if you’re willing to reach out to me, I’ll be here for you.