We were 22, full of romantic ideas about happily ever after.  How could we have possibly known the insecurities that were tugging at our souls? It was easy for me to be swept off my feet; we met in January, got engaged in May and got married in December. Did I think there was anything wrong with it? No. My parents have a similar story and have been happily married for 47 years.

My divorce has been final for a little more than two years. I didn’t want to get divorced, but I also knew that I couldn’t live the rest of my life the way it was, or let it get worse, all while passing on that pattern to the next generation. The awareness of that fact was eating me alive. My story has gone one way, and it makes me sad, because I still believe in committed relationships. Not because I want to get married again, but because I believe there is nothing more beautiful than two people who are willing to grow together, and that’s what we didn’t do.

One of my foundational and most motivating goals is to be a woman who thrives through change…not just divorce, but anything that life throws at me, because as we all know by this point, change is the only constant in life.  So, as I sat down to have coffee yesterday with my former husband, the father of my four beautiful children, I prayed that I wouldn’t have the empty, sick feeling that I have left with when we have had similar meet ups over the last two years.  In all honesty, forgiveness comes easily for me. I have avoided this situation for some time now because of that sadness that I just didn’t have the time or energy to absorb into my days. I need all of that to build a business, parent these kids through staggering change, and take care of myself. That started with the basics of opening my own bank account, doing my own taxes, and tackling the bigger topics like making sure that the kids, no matter how much this all hurts, are learning to get stronger through the struggle and that we are relearning healthy relationships together. I know now that independence, coupled with a healthy amount of self love, are the building blocks for any committed relationship. But, despite the change, and the tears, I’m going to be ok, in fact, if I keep working, more that ok. Crisis has a way of molding our character like nothing else in this life.

Well, my prayers worked, and I left that table yesterday still firmly in control of my emotions and my life, without that lingering sick feeling, and seeing a way forward that doesn’t hurt so bad, and lets go of a lot of the lingering negativity that I was still holding. My thought was divorce is still terrible, but, worse than divorce is not healing from our traumas in life and the message that was on my heart was this (and it comes with one disclaimer, my story isn’t one of massive abuse):

If you are out there, fighting for your relationship, and given the staggering divorce rate in this country, there are a lot of you, what are you willing to do to get healthy?   Almost all of us carry trauma and negative patterns from our childhood that will continue into all of our relationships if we choose not to recognize them, and they do seem to rear their ugly heads right about midlife.

Divorce will change you, it will change the lives of your children, family, and friends…and the real, healthy, most loving version of you will still be waiting to be revealed. Discovering that person is a life changing gift and has to be done to live the fullest life…and really, what are we all here for? The work will always be there to be done. Have you done it? Does divorce have to be your catalyst? Do the work first, then decide…because the worst thing to wonder in the end is, “what if?”