I find it interesting that once upon a time, my inability to fit in with people growing up was something that made me question myself… What’s so wrong with me? Can they tell just how shattered I really am?

When adolescent growth is interrupted by a life trauma, it does more harm than some realize. It takes every bit of self-esteem, any belief in goodness, and breaks it into a million pieces. This detrimentally alters a child’s developing self-identity and makes it difficult, if not impossible, to relate to others when they are in constant “defense-mode.” Being an outcast for most of my life, I never had a lot of friends. I know a lot of faces, but have never really trusted a lot of people. Being a victim of abuse, there’s a false reality you live by, almost like looking through fogged-up lenses. You are able to go through the motions, but you can’t really see anything other than what’s right in your face, and sometimes not even then. Numbing yourself to the hurt equally numbs you toward love, for yourself or anyone else.

Living the last 20 years of my life in this mindset had been EXHAUSTING… to say the least! When you hold onto pain, anger, and resentment for so long, it eats away at the hope for anything better than what you’ve succumbed to. It makes it difficult to open up, feel vulnerable, and feel love, because for so long love equated pain. I know now that my childhood was only a reflection of the traumatic experiences I went thru, and anyone I knew growing up only saw the hollow shell of who I really was. From such a young age, I never gave myself credit for the absolute strength it took to finally ask for help, or be who I wanted to be outside of being a victim.

It took a VERY long time to realize how amazing of a person I am, for not only overcoming the hardships and constant battles of my mind that I’ve faced, but my ability to open myself up to others and love who I am! I will never again be caged by my pain, for I am a fucking Phoenix, and I will ALWAYS rise from the ashes of what once was. What I once thought was impossible to be transformed, has now transcended into a passionate fire for my future! And no one, not even me, will douse the blaze that envelops my soul today!

-K. Levy