I have been trying to understand the nature of my shame and heal from it since when I was in my early 20s.

Because it was consuming my life and I was slowly dying within.

Shame regarding my body exposure.

Which for me is a way of uncovering truths deeper than my skin that hang as shadow-ghosts in my psyche that only I am aware of.

Shame about my sensual and sexual expressions through words, moves, clothes and dance.

Shame about the way I live my life and what I am passionate about or what turns me on or off.

When we feel shame and ashamed for anything usually our belief system is conditioned to operate on that shame and thought processes that derive by it, in relation to anything else in our lives.

Shame covers up all our inner impulses, hidden dreams or fantasies, desires and the dark pool of our inner erotic selves.

Only to boil up and come up later in life with an explosive rage that you cannot grasp.

But, I have been trying to deal and work intimately with my childhood shame imprinted in me by my family about all i mentioned above and then the tradition of the society I was born and raised, in a small country in Europe.

And I have been doing a great yet not easy at all  job to let the layers of my shame fall away and I still am in that very process. Sometimes it’s complex. Difficult. Vulnerable. Sometimes it get easier as I shed my old skin…my old thought processes and my old conditioning.

To start the process of healing from shame I had to promise myself that I would take steps to healing this shame and set myself free to just be whomever I chose to be in any given period of my life and growth as a human and woman.

So among other promises I  made to myself and the dramatic new decisions of more then one year ago that I took, one promise that I thought I would not ignore anymore is to not abandon myself any longer  for anyone or anything.

But few days ago I did just that.

A little trigger from a stranger and my whole inner world turned again upside down, just for a while.

A stranger man in Facebook (“friend of a friend on FcB)  sent me a friend request.

I asked him why, because I decided long ago to not accept requests from people I don’t know, specially virtually.

I have had enough negative virtual experiences and I learned my lesson more than once. And I’m not gonna elaborate about it here.

And that’s my personal Facebook page not a public one and is my right to filter anyone or any request that comes my way. Sometimes I simply delete these requests sometimes it happens that I ask people to understand their intentions of approaching me.

The main reason as this man stated was that he finds me sexy looking at my pictures in bikini.

When I told him that,  that is not a good enough reason for me to accept his request, the rejected ego-boy within him crops of personal picture of me in bikini which I had posted on my personal Facebook timeline and he sends me that photo croped: it was me without a head and the focus was my butt.

In that moment I felt hot flashes run through my body.

1000..thoughts started running inside my head ,the main one being of deleting my Facebook and open a new anonymous account….

I felt anger. Rage. Disgust. Fear. Hurt.

I deleted this Facebook and tried to open a new one and thought to keep it “secret” . Facebook brought that page down so I had to re-open this one again…and then a flash of light illuminated my entire body and mind and heart.

I remembered the promise I have made to myself : to choose myself in ALL circumstances.

In this case I chose to run away. I felt ashamed. Ridiculed. Belittled.

Underneath these feelings and this whole experience I discovered the bullied little girl I once was and then the shame later that came from my family and some other people regarding my bloosoming sensuality and sexuality.

So this stranger on the internet brought all that shit up again for me to face.

I REALIZED that I abandoned myself and the promise to myself by trying to run away and hide.

Instead, I From NOW ON choose to STAND TALL…with my sexy biking or with pijamas…with make up OR without make up…with pole dancing shoes or athletic shoes…with sexy panties and a small bra or without…naked…!

I choose ME. No matter what.

And sometimes it get difficult as hell.

Sometimes it hurts.

Because I need to leave certain attitudes,certain people, perhaps old friends behind.

And because sometimes i feel like I’m fighting a battle alone against forces that try to freeze me when I’m just opening up to myself and to life in new ways.

But whatever parts I expose either through my words, or movements, or my clothing style is who I am…parts of who I am…and I enjoy all these parts. I am learning to find pleasure in all these parts.

And me exposing myself out there in all these ways is not an invitation for men to approach me in ways I used to tolerate before but not anymore and that find my rejection threading to their weak sense of manhood.

My body is my own.

It is my masterpiece.

You or these men don’t know what journey I have walked to be where I am.

How long it took me to make love to myself.

How long it took me to get naked with myself.

How long it took me to come to a place of feeling safe to expose myself to myself and the world by being natural and raw and authentic is my artistic or personal expressions.

And I’m committed to honor myself in all ways and anyone or anything who will not honor who I am will be cut off from my life.

I have learned to enjoy my solitude and have few cose friends. And that is enough.

I don’t feel lonely or desperate and I am not looking for a lover.

And most important thing my Facebook page is not a dating site. It’s a personal page that offers me a safe space with very few friends when I share myself in all my colors.

And so, have promised myself to honor, respect, embrace dearly and nourish all parts of me…no matter what anyone will think.

This is my personal journey and we cross roads and we stay togather with other people for a while or forever…

It does not matter.

What matters for me is: I won’t allow anymore anyone (whether I know them or now )…to touch my mind and my heart with ill intentions…with advice I never asked for or with opinions I don’t care about.

Opinions don’t define me, or you.

I define me.

You define you.

I create me.

You create you.

I live me, through this universal intelligence that keeps my heart beating everyday and night and has imprinted dreams that are made to fulfill and bring to life.

And you live yourself as yourself.

It’s my responsibility to hold my head up…with grace and the fire that ruins through my veins, because I know who I am and that is all that matters, now and forever.