Let’s face it, the first part of letting go, means peace of mind. In my case, it wasn’t that way because I did not let him go, but I did, for him.

The first word, I would use is ‘It kills’ me, when he left. I really felt that.

One week in Germany, all of these scenarios were running in my head. Only then, I understands why he was so done with ‘us’. For a person like me who actually puts him as one of the priority despite knowing he throw hell lots of words on me, kinda think that he should be at least grateful for what I’ve been doing. Unfortunately, it turns out pretty much opposite.

He decides to end things, leaving me to struggle my way out. And then, told me that, he would need time to think about us, so that I could stop crying. He had no idea, I’ve broken down to the core, I’m lost and can’t seem to be getting a grip out of it. I met him again, once I’m back from my work trip. It was a kind gesture to buy me a gift considering that I would get something for him on my way back. Maybe it’s the one last gesture we’d be doing knowing that we’re no longer together. When I first saw the gifts, my tears are definitely up to my throat & controlling it to fall was much worst but lucky me ..

I actually built up all strong points to talk & sort it out with him. To convince him & for patching us back. But it all went in vain with the first sentences, he say it out .. I’ve no feelings for you .. & we’ve not done anything. Nothing has happened between us in this 2 1/2 years. We’re still stuck at the beginning.” Insane, ain’t it? That’s when, I carried all my words, points, love on my back & bury it way deeper. I cried, I cried so so hard because, my dreams were shattered & to build up back, it’ll take me years. That was when I told myself, he has decides to not have me in his life so, why are you still thinking about it?

For a virgin, it was hard to even be naked in front of the man you love because it’s my first time being absolutely naked & for me, it’s something. It’s really something new, exciting but for sure, I wasn’t ready to be in a physical act of love. He did not understands that instead he pointed it out & kept saying it repeatedly. As how much I know, sex is crucial in a relationship but all I wanted was time because I was not ready. Highly appreciated when he understands when I said no but, little did I knew that, at the end it became a sort of weapon points to attack me back.

I really wish it did not have to be this way,

I still think that we could still be together,

I still think we could talked & sort this unwanted mess out,

I still think we’re able to be there for one & another,

I still think we could understands each others’ pain, sorrows, dark sides

I still think we could make it,

I still think we could be together

But that’s the thing, it only stops at “I still think” because he has lose interest in me …

He’s never gonna pull the words he has used to scold my family

He’s never gonna un-word me

He’s never gonna kiss me hard, again

He’s never gonna touch me, again

He’s never gonna hug me so tight, again

He’s never gonna love me back, again

He’s never gonna think about me, again

Because ..

He is fed up

He has given up on me, & us

I hug him so tight & gave him a kiss on his forehead before I leave.

Even in that hug, I knew his feelings on me has been dead because that was the first time, I did not feel anything from him. At the end, it was just me hugging him so tight & hopping that he would say something, unfortunately, he did not utter a single word. As how much this breaks me so bad, I knew he was done with us, well sadly ..

From my first ex, I find it easier to move on because practically after hearing “I’ve lost the feelings on you, Su” a couple of time, I finally gave up because it is not worth my time & so does his.

I lost my second ex, to an accident which was unexpected. It took me long to move on because it was a sudden shock that you’ll never ever expect it at all. I’m still coping up with his demise, till this date because knowing that I honestly can’t find him in this world, in this dimension.

This guy, is my third ex, and I really thought he’s the one. Patching up, it takes both sides to put in hell lot of effort and communication. I lay down all the options that I promised him that I’ll put 3 times the effort to make this relationship work. I honestly lay it down for him giving him assurance, literally to the stage of begging. Even after that, all I heard was, “I’ve no feelings for you!” …

It kills you, right at your heart for choosing the one!

In a relationship, when you’re literally fed up knowing that that was your choice even when the world is against you, you’ll tend to fell out of love but YOU are still supposed to find the spark back, make it work back like how you first saw them. I did! I did fell out of love but I still find ways back to make it work. Unfortunately, the man I chose, did not do the same. He rather left me than finding ways to make it work thinking it will never work, in this lifetime. And that’s a huge word he use & it crush me, so hard.

I know he’s not coming back to me, I know he has move on in his life, I know he will find someone much deserving for him since I’m not the one & I know he would get everything he wants & wanted to do for the one’s he love, a lot but there will be a thing he would not get from anyone else’s, the kind of love that I was willing to do anything for him. The promised I still holds onto. The Man of His Words .. 

He told straight up to my face, “we both don’t sync, we don’t have that understanding that I thought we have. You’re selfish, you always think for yourself. When we’re doing the long distance love, I did not feel you’re selfish but once you come visit me & stayed with me, only then I realised! Even if we patched up, it’ll be me cheating over you. We don’t have that couple’s understanding AT ALL! I HAVE HONESTLY LOST IT! I’VE NO FEELINGS FOR YOU, NO MORE!! I DON’T WANT ANYTHING FROM YOU!! HOW ON EARTH DO YOU THINK I CAN ACCEPT YOUR FAMILY WHEN THEY THINK I’M SO CHEAP?! I’M THAT PERSON WHOM EVEN THROWS HIS FAMILY AWAY ONLY TO BE PEACEFUL SO, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WOULD ACCEPT YOURS?! YOUR FAMILY IS FUCKED UP! FUCK YOU & YOUR FAMILY! HONESTLY, JUST FUCK YOU! YOUR FAMILY IS BY FAR THE WORST I’VE KNOWN! FROM YOUR MOTHER TO YOUR FATHER TO YOUR BROTHER & YOUR SISTER! YOUR FAMILY ONLY ACCEPTS YOUR SISTER’S BF BUT NOT ME?!! WHAT DID I DO?! I ONLY HELP YOUR MOM & YOU JUST TO SEND THE BOTH OF YOU TO THE BUS STATION SAFELY & THAT YOUR MOM DON’T LIKE ME??SO FUCKED UP!! DON’T YOU GET IT? FUCKED UP!! I HATE YOU & YOUR FAMILY SO MUCH!!! I PRAY YOUR PARENTS WILL NEVER LIKE ANY MAN FOR YOU! SO FUCKED UP!!”

Those are the words that kept ringing in my head for 6 months continuously and until now.

Those are the words, that teared me up for 6 months continuously until now as I typed it out.

Those are the words, that kills me to the deeper level for 6 months continuously every time it comes to my head.

Those are the words, that hurt me to an extend where sometimes I can’t sleep because it haunts me every now & then.

Aligning both ends, so that none of them feel left out and I rather drained out my strength every single day. Selfish .. he said. Was I? I’m risking everything I have, just to be with him. I was willing to leave my family & be with him .. Silly, ain’t it?

Just because his family did not treat him right, did not provide things for him the right way & recently he lost his car, automatically I became the reason for his sorrows, mental issues, and his unhappiness. He’s constantly down, thinking about how I did not behave like an actual gf of his. I got to carry all those painful words, and still be okay through it, yea .. I’m the reason of his mental issues but then what about me? He did not walked me through the pain I was carrying continuously for 6 months .. Ain’t that, selfish of him?

But the fault, the flaws, the wrong, the blame goes to me ..

Even when he scolded me so much & so bad with all those unwanted wordings, I still choose to accept him no matter how hurtful it was to my heart only because I love him, so much. It’s not only about the person but it’s also the way that I love him. For every individual, they will say that they loved their partner even more than they could imagine but only that individual himself/herself actually knows how was the way they loved them. Same thing, here. He can tell the entire world how he once loved me but, at the end, he did not valued it..

I’m the Man of His Words, he’s not. He left ..

As how much it kills me to this day as I’m typing out, I’m still here, but not him. He has moved on, not me ..

The pain which is from mentally actually channels to my physical self & the void, the emptiness, kills me to the end. My last words to him was, as I lie down beside him on the queen size bed and my tears kept running down my cheek, facing the room ceiling, I told him, “You know something, this would be the last I’m lying down beside you” & I cried even harder on this lines because my heart couldn’t take it as I said it then I look at him getting the last look at the love of my life … He still looks charming like how he used to be.

Knowing that I was crying so hard on it, “Is this how you said you wanted to talk things with me? By crying??! I’ll come visit you alright”, he said wiping my tears off with his soft thick fingers & I felt the heat of his palm on my cheeks thinking that .. I am going to miss his touch, so much.

“Don’t have to come to visit me. Only come back when you have feelings for me”, I said.