Disclaimer: I know the world is full of bigger problems, for many, deeper problems, more urgent problems. And I’m active on the daily and care deeply about those problems. And, my heart has the capacity, like yours, to care about multiple things at once—big things, small things, everything.

Mental health flourishes when we open our hearts and are brave enough to be honest about the rainbow of our sane, understandable emotions and reactions to things in this life, good and bad and in between.

Be honest about the hard things, too, and they will process. Ask your loved ones to support you in your process, your losses, your grief, your exhaustion, your working for the whole good, your sacrifices, your resentment, your grief, your grief.

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I am really, really, really unhappy, obviously resentful, and easily tearful, about the ongoing pressure to leave Boulder, my home, the mountains, the park with running water and Winnie’s best friends, my cafe, my book store, my hardware store, my best friends, my sangha and lifelong community, my lifelong rooted memories at every turn.

Forced to leave by custody litigation, I did the right thing because it’s the only thing to do. But it’s not easy, and I’m not happy, and I’m angry, and I’m mostly sad.

I hate that we could have all just stayed in Boulder if my dear wife’s dear ex could have just moved to Boulder. He could have. He would have loved it! Many folks in his line of work; hikes, camping, great schools with extra services for his and my wife’s son, glorious mountains and a vibrant social scene.

Instead, I’m forced to move out of my house, (try to sell it, try to rent it) my home sweet home, sell half my things, move several Pods and pay for them, buy another house for double the mortgage debt…and hug dear friends good bye. Eff that.

I feel so alone, in Indianapolis. I enjoy it in Indy, but I am a permanent tourist.

I love biking around, I love the history and architecture, having new restaurants and cafes, the incredible community movie theaters, I like our home and love our neighborhood and when we’ve had a chance to fix /restore our tired old historic house up, I’ll love our home. I like the people, the bike shop owner, the waiters, the local writer, the neighbors, the barista, the community celebrations, the museum, the farmers’ market (kinda, it’s nothing compared to Boulder), the trees, the bike paths. I like the local politics and hope to find small ways to contribute.

But 51 is different than 35 (which I suspect I still feel). I have many relationships that feed my soul, that keep me healthy and happy and help me process the ups and downs and ins and outs of life…that go back 20 or 30 or even 51 years, now. And I miss them.

I miss my sangha and community, my parents’ friends, my friends’ parents, just as much. Many of them are 70, or 80, or older, and if I’m gone 5 or 10 years they could be gone or tucked away in a quieter place.

I want to remain in my vegan, eco, historic, personally renovated delightful sunny home in Boulder, and I will find a way to make two things happen that can’t both happen. I will travel regularly. Maintain my relationships and connection with my home and mountains. I’ll see about keeping my house as my home in Boulder, and stretch into new life here in Indy, both.