I happen to have a very trigger-happy relationship.

For those of you lucky enough to be acquainted with the sweet sounds of guns-a-blazin’, you know it takes a lot to get back to center and a place of love when you’re deep in the trenches of make-wrong.

It would be lovely if we would always communicate from a calm place of understanding and openness while sipping afternoon tea. But that’s just not how it goes. Our voices and our heart rates rise, our blood gets hot and our bodies contract, and we generally take on some unconscious form of fight, flight or freeze.

And it sucks. All of a sudden you hate the person you love and you’re deep in the vicious cycle of finger pointing and blame and that little maniac called ego.

That is when it’s time to take five.

That is when we are given the opportunity to step back and get back… into consciousness.

Back to love.

Back to openness.

Back to our Adult Selves, and either process the pain with love or be willing to truly let it go, forgive and go enjoy the rest of the day together like for-real adults.

The Man (as l lovingly refer to the one I do battle with) and I have spent a good many hours in the laboratory diffusing our triggers. Like any good experiment, we have had sweet successes and frustrating failures. The one thing our research has concluded with absolute certainty, is that in order for there to be any chance of success, both partners need to be willing. Willingness is the most important tool. It’s the tool that allows the other tools to work. And without it, you got nothin’.

So when the moment comes—the one that you can either keep your swords clashing or you can choose to lay them down and surrender your need to win—you both must agree to play.

Then stop. And take five. And choose a game to bring you back to love.

Agree and commit. Voice your resistance and commit. Hate it and commit. Have a sense of humor and commit.

The list of games is as endless as your imagination and desire:

1. Physical pattern break-up. 

Getting the your body moving. Run around the block. Do jumping jacks, blast some music and dance your butt off. Sometimes The Man will pound on his drum while I dance around the kitchen like a fool until we beat out our triggers to the beat of the tunes.

2. Meditation and breath.

On the other end of the spectrum is stillness. Agree to sit in silence with each other for five or ten minutes and get present to your higher self, to your lover’s higher self and your commitment to conscious communication. And breathe. Breathe slow and deep. Breathe yourself back. Breathe your partner back.

Play a devotional song if you’re into that. One of my favorites for these moments is Krishna Das’ God is Real. It kind of smacks me upside the head and fills me with compassion for our little ego selves wielding our little ego swords, when really we’re just begging for love and understanding.

3. Take a vow.

Make a vow to each other in the morning. I recommend this anytime and particularly when you are at risk for entering the combat zone a.k.a likely to get triggered. Anything from “I vow to communicate from my highest self” to “I vow to try to understand you” to “I vow to be sweet, sexy and easy-going.”

Whatever. This can act both as a preventative measure to keep your guns’ safety locks in the “on” position and it can also serve to put them back in their holsters once they’ve been drawn. Remind yourselves of your vows mid-fight and communicate from there. Remember willingness.

4. Whisper.

I know. This seems ridiculous. And it is. And counterintuitive. And it is. But it works. The first time I tried this, I could hardly keep a straight face. I was angry at The Man but I was committed to getting us out of the swirl so I just started whispering. The Man looked at me in confusion. I don’t think he really knew what to do so he just started whispering back. Our voices got little and so did our triggers.

5. Get silly. 

Go for the crazy, the wacky and the absurd. The Man once lifted me up mid-fight outside of Whole Foods and started licking my face. He really had to commit because let me tell you, I definitely fought this one. But his persistence prevailed and we made our way through the produce section happily ever after.

6. Physical affection. 

Sometimes a good, hard snuggle will do the trick. That is, if you can get past wanting to vomit at the thought of having that idiot’s hands on you. Cuddle like you mean it. Sink into each other. Nuzzle up, burrow in and let your bodies bring your hearts and minds back to center. It’s worth it.

7. Acknowledge each other.

This one can be hard—hard to see past the jerk you think your partner is in the moment. Let me tell you, I abhor this one sometimes. The Man is being an un-evolved jackass a.k.a being wrong and the last thing I want to do is tell him how great he is. Sometimes it takes a few minutes to drop in, so take your time and tap into the beauty of the being in front of you and spend five minutes sharing what you love about each other. See who can out-acknowledge who.

No one can avoid the battlefield. But we do have a choice to either stomp our feet in the sandbox or climb out and play nicely on the see-saw. We can choose to be unconscious jerk-faces or we can use our triggers to evolve as individuals, as partners and as global citizens. So jump into the laboratory and experiment. Be willing. Get generous.

Sometimes we don’t want to. Sometimes it just feels good to stomp our feet and be right. But it feels even better to push past our comfort zone, to knock resistance on its ass and trail blaze the art of relationship.

Because on the other side of trigger and contraction is this.

Author: Isabella Konold

Editor: Renée Picard

Photo: Adrian Popescu at Pixoto