November 29, 2009

A New Moon.

A New Moon: my psoas, unrequited love, New Moon & an iPhone turned off.

A year ago on this day I suffered an awful psoas muscle injury.  The worst part was there wasn’t an actual movement that brought the injury on, I simply started to feel pain.  I had just taken a huge emotional blow a few days before, with each day making it grow stronger until my body manifested my heartache and took it out on me big time.  On one of the biggest muscles in my body.  Awesome.

A year later, I still need to baby the area.  It’s more of a deep, dull pain that I feel from time to time, especially when I go into deeper twisting postures on my yoga mat.  Funny enough, that pretty much sums up my emotional state as well.  I’ve moved away from the instance that originally created the injury, but it still summons up old, buried emotions in me which tend to get stronger whenever I bump into my old boyfriend or whenever I try to do something to clear the situation up.  Twists are meant to detoxify and purify. . .sounds like a great idea for my heart as well.

Speaking of detoxification, the original problem came from a night of too much Italian wine, fine Parisian shoes, Cupid-tinted goggles and an overly effusive heart that was about to burst.  The big-mouth alcohol demons came blurting out and next thing you know I’ve thrown ‘love’ sandwiched in-between ‘I’ and ‘you’ on the table to what felt like a completely unenthusiastic and echoing opera house—think Sydney style big.  Instead of having requited love, I was told that he couldn’t love me for at least another year.  I would interfere with his drive and success.  The alcohol demons thought that was absurd and hilarious as they steered me over to the couch where I absently discussed how my feet were freezing and would never be warm ever again. I proceeded to get emotional over the temperature of my feet (the pride fairies were forbidding me to cry about the real situation) as the rest of the evening became a blur.  Next thing you know, my psoas muscle was out and my body started to crumble as I realized my dream situation was a facade.

Fast forward to a year later as I eyeball my iPhone while contemplating a quick call.

“Just thought I’d check in.  You know, it has been a year.  How’re you doing on that whole Love thing?”

As mortifying and amusing as that would be, I know what the real solution is now.  All year long, I was trying to heal myself by fixing things between us.  I believed I’d heal if we could find a neutral ground, friendship, some form of understanding, or hell, let’s be greedy and honest: a damn good explanation and some closure.

It wasn’t until a recent string of events that I truly understood what I needed to do.  I’d been traveling solo frequently which made some serious loneliness surface.  I live by myself.  I don’t have anyone to greet me or send me off except my dog, who clearly can’t drive a car to LAX.  The list goes on, and I found myself looking to something or someone to alleviate that pain.

Oddly enough, my recent ‘Ah-ha’ moment came after seeing the midnight viewing of ‘New Moon’ on a work trip to Chapel Hill.  I’m forever amazed at the power literature and films have to provoke love, lust, emotion and desire.   I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t miss having a man in it or feel that I need one.  Yet, after viewing the film, I couldn’t help but start to wonder if it’s possible to find a love that is so powerful you couldn’t possibly live without it.  Or is that just as far fetched as the idea of vampires and werewolves existing??  I’ve never experienced it, but it doesn’t mean it isn’t  real.  Wanting it to be real has caused me to imprint my dreams, hopes and desires on this past relationship when it clearly didn’t fit the code.  It didn’t keep me from trying to dress him like a Ken doll to play the part.  Hopefully there is a love like that out there, but what I came to realize is that the answer is in here.

I’m the answer to everything.  Everything I need, all the support and love I’ve been looking for is already inside me.  I don’t need an epic love to make me feel complete or even someone to pick me up from the airport.  I choose only love and I promise to give it to myself everyday.  Since I’ve made that commitment to myself, I haven’t felt lonely.

I’ve instead been filled with a sense of strength and optimism.  The road just expanded and I am ready to ride.

I sit here absently touching my old injury as I finish up this article thinking, ‘thank you’.  Thank you for the pain to make me slow down, thank you for the heartache to make me learn how to properly use my heart.  Thank you for the confusion to make me see how simple the solution is.  Thank you for helping me to find myself so I can pull in the love I’ve always desired.

A bumpy year is a small price to pay for an endless road of possibility.  And an iPhone turned off.

Kathryn Budig is one of ele’s favorite yoga teachers in the whole wide world. Follow her at @kathrynbudig or on Facebook.

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