November 26, 2009

The Prick, The Saint, The Professional & Then Some: Categorizing Buddhist Bloggers. ~ John Pappas

I have had a desire to make a list of some of my favorite Buddhist bloggers out there in the Buddhoblogosphere and decided that if I was going to do it, I was going to make it funny (in my mind at least) and throw some jokes at my expense as well as the expense of some others that I respect. So here are a few of the bloggers that I read and reread religiously with a smattering of added humor in the form of everyone’s favorite thing –

categories and labels!

A wise man once told me that the line between humor and disrespect was a fine one – and then he never talked to me again – I assume that I crossed that line.

Have a good laugh on this. Everything was meant in love and we really need to have a sense of humor about ourselves – especially when there is so much disagreement. So enjoy and if you have some additional profiles I missed, let me know so I can add them!

The Home-Practicing Hick – Stuck in the Midwest or Deep South, this Buddhist blogger will go on and on about “practical” Buddhism and will act as if he/she eats lotus blossom and shits petals. In reality this blogger sits maybe once a week and studies under a guy named “Steve” and conducts his Dharma talks at the local Hooters. Most religious paraphernalia was probably purchased from Hot Topic or Old Navy with rituals being performed in his old Judo gi (two sizes too small).

Favorite Food: Can you put hot dogs in Curry? Yes. Then that.
Example: Um…eh,…me?

The Angry Asian Buddhist – If you are white or any non-Asian then you are on notice, my friend. There is no flying under the radar with this blogger manning the helm! If you happen to slip up in your terminology or nomenclature you are immediately regulated to the lowest pits of esoteric Buddhist Hell. Best bone up on your medieval Japanese social strata and grab a sociology primer because you are going to need it.

Favorite Food: It doesn’t matter. Your weak Caucasian palate could never appreciate the flavors.
Example: Well…the Angry Asian Buddhist for one.

The Prick – No pun is too low or picture too naughty. If you want to talk about Dharma or serious Buddhism, steer clear of this blogger, Dear Reader. Expect any retort to involve squirrel testicles, crack whores or dirty, filthy, potty humor. Just reading this blog will lead to numerous viruses on your hard drive and possibly syphilis. Be WARNED!! If this blogger ever actually teamed up with the Angry Asian Buddhist profile, they would be well-nigh unstoppable. Our only hope is to keep them at constant odds with each other. It’s mean, I know, but this is national security we are talking about here.

Favorite Food: The souls of nice Buddhists and societal norms
Example: The Reformed Buddhist 

The Scholarly Complainer/Avenger/Compromiser – This blogger of many talents graduated from any Community College Divinity program or mail-order degree factory. Most of their posts will consist of whining about how “commercial” Buddhism has gotten and then quickly run to the closest Borders to pick up the newest Brad Warner rag and read Tricycle from cover to cover. The professional mediator – this blogger will attempt to relieve any tension in the community by flinging Dharma quotes around as if they were magical, thought-provoking Frisbees.

Favorite Food: Anything made of tofu…as long as it tastes like hot dogs.

Example: The Buddha is my DJ, Wandering Dhamma, The Reverend Horton Heat

The Know-It-All – No text is too obscure or phrase too boggling. This Buddhist blogger will go on and on about people and places you have never heard of. The fantastical stories weaved would leave H.P. Lovecraft frightened, weeping in a corner and flipping through a thesaurus. Unlike their pupea stage, The Scholarly Blogger, this butterfly flings Dharma quotes as if they were hand-grenades of Unsurpassable Light plopped from Buddha’s own arse and will, by definition, have a sweet, sweet mustache. As sensical, sometimes, as an ancient Chinese koan translated into ancient Greek by a toddler.

 Favorite Food: His own self-worth
Example: The Zennist *pause* whew! No grenades.

The Professional Writer – Ugh! Posts that last at least two kalpas in length and have been proofread by the Virgin Mary, herself. Immaculate! These year long treatises will weave in and out of consciousness (or at least you will be weaving in and out of consciousness while reading them). Be sure to read the review that they have written on EVERY book on Buddhism they ever read and comments on everything their teacher ever said.

Secret Aspiration: To publish their blog in book form or to sell it to rich Swedes (Swedes love Buddhism)
Example: Dangerous Harvests, Home Brew Dharma, American Buddhist Perspective, DigitalZendo

The Saint – You would think that following 5 precepts is enough or maybe 10 but this blogger will follow all 108 and then add 50 more that the Buddha “probably just forgot”. Be prepared to be regaled by stories of beautiful temples in far-off places that you will never visit because you are probably just not serious enough a Buddhist. Oddly enough, this blogger’s sh*t does actually smell like jasmine and ginger due to their insane daily intake of tea. You may think that there is a halo surrounding their heads but it is actually just the aftereffects of acquiring so much awesome merit.

Favorite Food: Nothing. Bodhisattvas don’t need to eat.
Examples: Marcus’ Journal

John is a failing and stumbling Zen Home-Practitioner that drinks far too much, engages in pagan rituals, reads the Necronomicon (in the original Arabic) and spends too much time on the dharma and on his personal blog www.zendirtzendust.wordpress.com

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