I can taste the essence of what’s to come and it scares me and excites me both. On the plane ride back from the Hoop Convergence 2010 in a moment of melancholy reverie – the result of 4 days of little to no sleep, the return from the high of circular community – I wrote this down in my journal:
“I believe myself capable of great things.”
That affirmation bubbled up out of the depths of insecurity and self-doubt. As a resolute response to the little voice that said ‘but what if you’re not?’ The year 2010 is here and all around me I experience the vibration of the collective pushing forward to a new age. The pieces and parts, the far-flung shades of life that make my heart beat faster are starting to coalesce into one big rainbow bridge direct to the source of my innermost dreams. On one hand I rejoice in infinite gratitude that I daily experience the fullness of life, and shake my head in disbelief that any of this is really happening – the disbelief that I really deserve anything this good. On the other hand I fall into the fear that I’ve come so close and at any moment my foundation will crumble and I’ll stumble out of the chaos only to watch the parade pass me by. I’ll perhaps realize that the little voice just might be right – close, but not close enough.
As mind-blowing opportunities present themselves, my mind automatically categorizes them into a hierarchical structure – benchmarks of being one step closer to the ultimate dream (whatever that is!), and the instant that happens I immediately became vulnerable to that ideal. I feel this vulnerability the most as a reflection of people close to me – friends and family that share a similar path. Sometimes, despite my desperate attempts otherwise, this manifests as a contracted state full of inaccurate mind constructs that say; we live in a world of scarcity and there is not enough to go around. Don’t step on my toes.
Not uncommon, I’m sure. As a product of our highly competitive and specialized society with all its ladders and ceilings, neat compartments, titles, and categories, to remain in an expanded state is already swimming upstream. But that’s my practice right now. Finding stillness and gentle trust in the face of acceleration and change.
The active reconstitution brings with it new understanding. To see the creation of our dreams, the manifestation of our reality, as inseparable from that of another is co-creation – which is what is happening at all times on all levels anyway. I’ve seen it over and over, that when a doorway opens for you, it opens for the whole of your community. What we don’t tend to see right away is that the hallway of doors is infinite.
Trying to carve space in the fluid nature of reality is like partitioning water with cheesecloth. This too shall pass.
And it’s just that intensity, that rocking, pulsating push to what’s next, that feeds the fire of my humble studentship in all areas. Without judgment I observe these samskaras, these thought constructs, as they come up and breathe into them. I become like a peacock, transmuting poison to food – competition, jealousy, and scarcity into spaciousness and joy. I ask, can we be in the practice of life lived greatly everyday without attachment to the outcome of some future date?
This past week at the Hoop Convergence I was held in camaraderie. I felt inspiration feed inspiration. I saw myself only as strong as all of us together, and expansive space was made for partnership.
I believe myself capable of great things. Some days it feels as if I can’t do it alone…it’s so nice to know I don’t have to.