September 1, 2010

Mindful vice training.

How to keep doing stuff you probably shouldn’t be doing through mindfulness training!

Mindfulness meditation practice? Too obvious. Mindful dining? Booooring. Mindful flower arranging? Old school. Mindful archery? Better, but…

I read an article the other day on Mindful Drinking [xxx, xxx] and how you can use drinking as a meditative practice. This is the key I have been looking for! I am now going to take all of my favorite vices and turn them into mindfulness practice! Here’s my list.

1.  Mindful picking up prostitutes. For the full, mindful experience, you have to drive around and connect personally with your hooker. Searching online for Adult Services ads completely defeats the purpose. You might as well just have sex with your girlfriend or pick up a stranger at the bar. Sex is such a small part of this entire experience! From finding a hooker to negotiating with her pimp to finding a place to do your business, the opportunities abound to study how you, the pimp and your hooker react in the entire transaction. And make sure you explain that this is only so you can practice mindfulness training! They might give you a discount!

2. Mindful meth smoking. Why stop with alcohol? I say practice mindfulness with all of your favorite drugs! The heat of the pipe, the taste of the smoke, the rush of the speed, the skin creepy crawlies. AH! Isn’t mindfulness so much fun?

3. Mindful gambling. You have to choose your game wisely here, folks. Texas Hold’em just won’t do! Not enough chance. You need something with horrible odds like roulette or bum fights. Notice the excitement when you win and the slight depression when you lose. Just know that your ego expects the next one to be the big winner. And when you lay down your last dollar, be aware of the anxiety swelling as you realize that you just lost your rent.

4. Mindful telling your wife you have to move in with her parents. The tears run down your cheek and you focus on that lump in your throat. How fascinating! What causes that lump? Why is it that the upcoming fight causes a lump right here, right now? The argument doesn’t exist but is inevitable. Almost as if there is a part of you that exists in the three worlds and this trauma is so great in one that you can feel it in all. Nothing exists but this sense of dread. Ohmmmmm!

5. Mindful respond to a petition seeking divorce. This goes along with mindful searching for an apartment, mindful separation of property as well as a possible review of mindful practice #1 and #2 (but not #3 since you are now mindfully broke).

So there you go! Why give up your favorite vices when you can turn them into mindful practice! Well, I’m off to mindfully hunt down a clown and mindfully beat him senseless!

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