September 7, 2010

Pay it Forward. ~ Currie Rose

Relaxing into Love a Little — What a Gift.

When I first decided to become “home challenged,” I ran into a friend I’d never met.  It was just days before I was due to start sleeping in my car. I was feeling scared and uncertain of my decision, but I did the best I could to own my bold choice as I explained my situation to her.

She listened thoughtfully and then said, “Well, if push comes to shove you can come stay with my daughters and I… Here are my phone numbers.” Then we hugged, and I felt I knew her even though that was our first interaction. We both attended the same graduate program in Spiritual Psychology, and just happened to be at school at the same time one day when class was not in session. This wasn’t the type of school where students just “hang out,” so meeting a classmate outside the classroom is very unlikely. I guess you can call that fate or synchronicity… or grace.

I did call her a few days later. The time had come to be homeless, and I was scared out of my mind. She had company from out of town, but said, “Don’t worry! Make yourself right at home. If you want to be social, you are welcome… if you want to sleep and keep to yourself that is perfectly okay. Eat whatever you want. Please make yourself right at home.”

Hearing these words over the phone, I couldn’t help but smile, from the inside, out. My past experiences, however, made me distrustful. I feared that I would inevitably be blamed for something — if I was not in a good mood at some point, they would call me a “downer,” and I would feel bad for inflicting my horrible self on others. Even though I was utterly exhausted as I got in my car to drive to her house, I promised myself that I would be in a good mood and on my best behavior, no matter what. I would do anything to make sure everyone else in the house was happy.

When I arrived, my friend was not home (she was picking up guests from the airport), but her 14-year-old daughter was there and gladly told me everything I needed to know. Before leaving me to do my thing, she said, ” When you are done showering, I will whip you up something to eat.” I couldn’t hold back a giggle… I had just never met such a wholesome kid in my life… offering to whip something up for me… nobody had ever said that before.

When she left, I looked around and I thought to myself and/or God, “Wow, I will always trust you… just when I think my life is over… you give me this. Thank you.” I mean, this place was really nice and the kids were really nice…. and the whole situation was wonderful.

The next few days my host was constantly busy and entertaining, so I was not able to work out the details of this gift. As a result I was walking on eggshells hoping not to distrub the fullness of the favor. Finally, I heard her come home one day when there were no guests or kids around. I’d just woken from a nap and practically ran up the stairs to catch her before the phone rang or something else caught her attention.

I said, “How long do I have before my welcome is worn out?” and of course, “What do I owe you for this…. I can do housework, or pay you some…”

She looked at me with tons of love and said, “Well how about four weeks and you owe me nothing. Just be you.”

I was a little uncertain. I’d heard words similar to that before only to find out that there were strings attached. I said, “Really, nothing?” I didn’t want to get all emotional and say, “You don’t mean that… I have to do something… I’ve been through this. Give me a chore, I’d rather do something than end up being blamed.”

She could sense my uncertainty and her eyes lit up as she said, “Just pay it forward.” I believe that was a sign. I relaxed instantly, knowing our minds worked similarly and that I was in a space where I could truly have my human experience. I smiled, said thank you and went back to my nap.

When I first had the feeling in my heart that I needed to sleep in my car for awhile, and that perhaps it had a little something to do with the elusive “global family” creation, I didn’t trust it. I mean, this is such an outside-the-box idea. Most people frown upon it, and some have told me it’s a “bad” idea from their point of view. However, when my host smiled that day and said, “Pay it forward,” I couldn’t help but trust more in my instincts and actions. Those words were like a confirmation from the divine that I was indeed on the right path. In that moment, I knew that, for whatever reason, I needed to experience this family before I went on my way — whether to another family or to my car.

I can’t know everything, but looking back I really think I needed that precious group of girls to fill me with love and a little confidence in my choices. I experienced the kind of unconditional support that I think you get from a family. I was loved for me. My host intuitively reassured me, saying, “You are precious. My daughters like you so much because they can see your purity and light.” Those words meant the world to me because I’d always heard the exact opposite. It was such a gift to relax into love a little and to be recognized for who I really am — and not merely live out someone else’s (or my own) negative projections. It was neat to see that, as I evolved, my inner reality was actually seeping into my outer reality by way of attracting truly like-minded people. I could tell that sometime over the past few months something had really shifted inside me and I was living more authentically, more in line with my higher self.

So thank you, friend. Your kindness began this journey in the most amazing way. From the second I left your house I have been paying it forward and living a cycle of kindness, abundance and love in which I have been on both the giving and receiving ends. Even though I am exhausted I am a blessed blessing and I truly enjoy sharing and experiencing oneness with everyone and everything I encounter. Thank you for giving me a temporary space to become comfortable with my own light and experience.

Currie Rose is a spicy flower, a walking paradox, a blind optimist, a reformed ‘realist’ who prefers to be an idealist, an envelope-pushing, no-nonsense miracle. She writes about her adventures in “homelessness,” but she prefers to call herself  “a rolling stone who is on tour.” She is a self-supporting student with a limited support system and no family (by choice). She strives to celebrate the strength of the human spirit and highlight the inherent friendliness of this world in which we all co-exist. She has chosen to trust God/Spirit/Source, welcome what serves her, and let go of what doesn’t. She is choosing to open herself to communities and to create cycles of beautiful karma by trusting in the flow, inspiring herself and others to always see and be the light in the world.

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