The Pleasure of Taking Your Time. {Adult}

Via Wendy Strgar
on Feb 25, 2011
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“Sexual pleasure in woman is a kind of magic spell; it demands complete abandon.”  -Simone de Beauvoir

Driving my son and his friends in the car the other day from a basketball game I overheard the question that made me cringe decades ago: “How far did you get?” asked one to the other with an elbow to the ribs. I shouldn’t have let on that I was listening, but I felt obliged to tell them they were thinking about it all wrong.

I told them French boys ask each other, “How long did she ‘jouir’?” This translates roughly to “waiting for an orgasm.” One of my favorite things about the French language is the multitude of words and expressions that communicate physical pleasure.

If language is the medium that allows us to express and understand ourselves, it isn’t that surprising our most common sexual expressions of how far you got, scoring a touchdown and hitting the target often reflect the hurry up – get it on culture that clocks the average sexual intercourse experience at 7.3 minutes. On a recent episode of Dr. Oz, the couples on the show agreed that their foreplay lasted between one to four minutes. Foreplay is more than just missing the warm-up before hitting a grand slam.

For many of us the terrain of our sexuality has been limited to the act of intercourse. Our internal maps are often a straight line we imagine will provide the target for our orgasm. We often lose sight of all that we miss on the complex, mysterious journey to untapped pleasure. Relinquishing the destination and lingering in all that makes up the outercourse of our sexual selves offers a new world to explore. It often also the key to allowing the opening that is required for intercourse to fulfill itself.

Remember the last great scavenger hunt you enjoyed? The treasure at the end was all the better for the great discoveries in between. Mapping the curves and valleys of your lover’s body with a hand, gliding over sweet or spicy-scented and oiled skin will surprise you. The nape of the neck, the rise of a hip, and the indent of the knee all contain sensations that surprise and unlock libido in ways you might not expect. Inhaling your partner’s scent or breath is an ancient form of kissing. Learning to linger in the outercourse of sexuality will transform your connection to your partner and perhaps even more deeply connect you to your ability to open to the sexual experience itself.

There might not be a more intense paired experience than the act of sexual penetration. Many of us never understood that waiting to be deeply prepared and open for intercourse is a prerequisite for finding the pleasure they seek. I always tell my customers that the only time to reach for a lubricant is when you can’t stand it anymore then the product has a chance to do its job. The crazy, incredible connection that happens when you are open enough to be filled with someone else is not a bullseye operation; it is a tender and timeless play between two people who are taking their time, for there is nowhere better to go.


About Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy, she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." The book is available on ebook, as well as in paperback online. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


15 Responses to “The Pleasure of Taking Your Time. {Adult}”

  1. Kim Stetz says:

    i couldn't agree more. now to find someone to enjoy this experience with. i am patient.

  2. Naheed says:

    It's wonderfully written. Talking of taking the scent of the partner, animals do it a lot and take full pleasure from it. I have noticed this in my cat. When my cat is in the urge,he sniffs the cat passionately and take full pleasure in doing so and then licks her on the neck. Animals too have passionate feelings which they have never learnt but they possess them naturally.

  3. Char PSI Tutor:Mentor says:

    Awesome! Tantric really, to put a label on it. There is a continuum~and orgasm is not the goal, but part of the pleasure~ and yet so many wonder why they are always seeking, seeking.

    Avoiding vulnerability negates mind blowing ecstatic sex.

  4. Priscilla Wood says:

    This article is so right on as always. I still wonder why so many men rush through it when the more you wait the better the prize! Thanks for this.

  5. AMO says:

    Skip the boys altogether, girls don't have to learn this…

  6. ali says:

    please spread this article far and wide – it is so luscious!

  7. Nadine says:

    Exquisitely expressed Wendy!

  8. Meindabindi says:

    A gorgeous homage to the poetics of the body. Is there any realm more vast and open to ecstatic, imaginative discovery? xxx

  9. […] pleasure of taking your time. Thanks to Joe for the heads […]

  10. honeyryder512 says:

    Yes. This.

  11. […] relationship in time and place. Opening to pleasure can be as simple as focusing our attention on what we are sensing in the present […]

  12. ike_luv says:

    This is incredibly understated in Western Culture. Today I was asked how many sexual partners I had had, and was mocked for my answer, but I looked at my sexual encounters and was happy to say that I wouldn't change a thing. It was a matter of quantity over quality for them, as if making their way through dozens of sexual partners was an achievement in itself, but there was no focus on how good the experiences were, how much they enjoyed it all. Just that it happened. Not to sound pretentious, but I find it almost insulting that they would abuse the most beautiful act 2 humans can perform in such a way.

  13. Melina says:

    “The crazy, incredible connection that happens when you are open enough to be filled with someone else is not a bullseye operation; it is a tender and timeless play between two people who are taking their time, for there is nowhere better to go.”

  14. Luke says:

    Big generalisation. I wish my ex-girlfriend had at least some of this supposedly 'female' viewpoint. I was always aiming to go slow and explore all sensations the experience had to offer but she was full throttle for the orgasm. Sex ended up workmanlike, unfulfilling and not meeting my needs for emotional connection. Part of it was down to a long period of no real relationship for her, just a series of fuck buddies so she switched off the emotional component of sex. I found the whole experience very unfulfilling.