February 10, 2011

When Life Blows Up on Every Level.

3 1/2 years ago mine did on all levels and I survived.

I make it a rule to never take advice from someone that hasn’t been there.  So I’ll tell you what happened for me, and then I’ll tell you what I did to get through my own tunnel of Hell.

In a 30 day period I lost everything. Money, love, health, a baby,  pets, security and pride.

My boyfriend at the time broke up with me while I stood holding the still dripping, positive pregnancy pee stick.  His response to having a baby with me was to end our relationship and share that he hoped to tile his kitchen that summer and travel. I lost the baby at 8.5 weeks and suffered from an extreme crash in hormones.  Being in my early 40′s, I knew that this was probably the last chance to have a child.  My body was a mess and my head was scrambled with hormones.

To make matters worse; 2 days after losing the baby I learned that my bank accounts had been emptied.  I had 40 cents  in my pocket when I stood at that ATM on an early July morning.  Someone with revenge in their scorned heart sued me out of state and due to a loop hole in the serving process, I never received notice and didn’t show up to defend myself.  When you don’t show up it’s as though you’re admitting guilt and a judgement is issued.   Being lax in checking my mail because I had no real bills coming in other than utilities; these notices of judgement mixed in with “we’re garnishing your accounts” sat un-read in my lock box for 4 weeks. In those 4 weeks every dime I had from every account was emptied.

A week later, I was faced with putting my 16 year old pet down, only to be followed by the rapid decline of my other 15 year old pet 10 days later.  If you’re like me, pets are family. This was a loss beyond words.

With no money, a huge judgement and a whopping 700$ in personal credit card debt, I had to declare bankruptcy. An attorney said I could fight it; but I had no money to even try.  I felt shame and I felt embarrassment.  Now I was one of “those” irresponsible people I had previously judged that declare bankruptcy.

My health was shot, my mind was a mess, my heart was broken and I had 40 cents to my name.  My father died years ago and I had been the one helping my mother financially.  I was, in my own words~lost without back up.

In ancient cultures The Dark Night of the Soul was understood as a time of transformation.  A time when your personal strength was tested and the knowledge you’ve gained over the 1st half of your life is called out and hopefully utilized.

In our culture it’s considered a Mid Life crisis.  We get face lifts and sports cars. Couples run screaming from other couples divorcing, neighbors turn their head as houses go into foreclosure, and fair weather friends back away quickly.  Rather than an opportunity to be the phoenix rising, we’re viewed as contagious drama.

Instead of community support and wise elders to lean on, people in this culture back away and we are left to suffer alone with shame.

In my case only a small handful of people knew, while most thought I was suddenly nuts.  In the past I had been the person that others leaned on for advice and even financial help.  Now I was left with nothing.  I was an empty vessel without a financially secure family to lean on for support. I looked like hell and felt worse.

When I woke in the morning, I wasn’t sure what to mourn.  The relationship or the baby?  My pets or my financial security?  My health or the fact I could be homeless in a week?  FYI; my biggest fear in life had been ending up on the streets without support~irrational but at this time, a reality.

I can tell you that the grip of your biggest fear in the face of utter despair is a cold sharp knife that cuts deeply.

What I know for sure is that if you’ve always been the strong one that other people lean on, there is a lot of growth that comes from asking for help.  I learned who my real friends were and I learned that I was loveable even when I wasn’t perfect.  Had it gotten to the point of my moving in with family or friends, I know there would have been growth from that time.  Perhaps healing with family happens when someone has to move home, as humbling as that may look in the moment.

The thought of selling everything and starting over was in a tiny way, freeing.  I hear of people that after losing their homes and selling most everything feel free in a way they had never known. I realized that nothing material mattered. My biggest fear was losing my remaining 2 pets if I had to couch surf for a while.

I was so embarrassed that I held my secrets and pain inside for the most part.  I would meet friends for dinner and pretend that I wasn’t hungry since I had no money to spend.  When the hormonal imbalance would kick in and I would tear up, I would pretend that my contacts were bothering me and run to the bathroom.

I learned who the people in my life were that truly cared and were in tune with my subtle changes.  Lucky for me, a friend handed me some cash unsolicited to get by with while I got my head on straight. The generosity of this person rocked my world in a way that left me forever changed.  I realized the phrase “While you may only be one person in this world, you may be the world to one person” personally.

On a  business level, I’m required to be clear and strong as I coach high leveled executives on the next step in their career and life~ironic eh?  You can’t be broken and effective at the same time; yet I did learn the phrase “fake it till you make it” by heart. By faking my strength, even my smile, I slowly felt both again.

I witnessed the miracle of the universe all around me.  Suddenly those cereal boxes that came free in my Sunday paper were valuable.  Toothpaste samples at the grocery store were cherished and I learned to turn the shampoo bottle upside down to get every last drop. I  would go to the pet food store just to “look around” and grab a few of the free samples for my dog on the way out. With that cash in hand from my friend, I was able to cover my rent long enough to start billing in my business again; but extras weren’t available.  Gone were the monthly hair salon trips, out with the extras like cable, Internet, and dog treats.  I learned how wasteful I had been in my life with food, clothing, and coffee shop stops.  There was no money for anything other than college grade food.  I rode my bike a lot that summer not having the money for gas and reasoned with the bank’s car loan and my insurance agent for reduced monthly payments.  I learned to negotiate payments for utilities and witnessed the kindness of customer service agents when you admit your defeat.  Most of all I learned that if you’re willing to work with them in some way, most people will help you get by on your payments.

Each morning I forced myself to think of 3 things I was grateful for before letting my feet hit the carpet next to my bed.  If I didn’t do this, I would begin my day in the depressed way I had ended the day before.  Soon I started doing this before bed and found that my days got easier.  When the magnitude of my situation would hit mid day and I would start to crash; I would force myself to get outside, go for a walk and notice something beautiful.  When life is bleak even the smallest things like the song of a bird or the color of the sky can jar you up a notch.

Every morning before starting my work day, I would force myself to listen to or read something inspirational.  I couldn’t control the world around me but I could control my emotions.  Yes I cried a lot, but I would balance those moments with what I was grateful for and kept moving towards what I wanted~some stability again.

I watched my emotional state like a hawk.  If I felt desperate and scared, I would imagine my worst case scenario…worst case I would loan my dog and my cat to people I trusted and couch surf.  Worst case I would go on meds.  Worst case I would ask a friend if I could share dinner with them..  Once I knew my worst case scenario, I was able to relax a tiny bit and then I would focus on what I was grateful for…often times, the worst case scenario back up plan or the fact that my dog was laying here next to me ~loving me no matter what.

When life blows up there is a crystal clarity that occurs.  All of the issues that you’ve been hiding behind with your job or your money or your relationship are out there in the open.  I have clients that lose their jobs and realize that their marriage has been broken for years; knowledge that was hidden behind frequent business trips.

I also learned that once the blow up occurs and you share it with those close to you, it’s important to not keep telling your sad story.  If you do, that’s what you end up focusing on and it’s easy to feel like a victim.  Much better to focus on where you’re going and put your energy into moving forward.  This is the biggest mistake I see clients make~telling the same sad story over and over.

For me the hardest part was laying in bed alone during the middle of the night drenched in fear.  As I laid awake in terror, I learned to pray for help and learned to meditate so I could hear the answer.

Most of all I learned that when we’re broken, we’re really just broken open.  I was that seed that sits in the dark, damp earth waiting for spring; deciding in which direction to send my sprout once the season turned… and it did.


Volcano photo by http://www.solarnavigator.net/volcanoes.htm, all others by Freedigitalphotos.net Sprout by Rawich, woman’s face by graur codrin, sky by dan, knife by Keattikorn. phoenix rising from phoenixwithin.blogspot.com

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