Kissing 101.

Via Wendy Strgar
on Jan 6, 2012
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“How did it happen that their lips came together? How does it happen that birds sing, that snow melts, that the rose unfolds, that the dawn whitens behind the stark shapes of trees on the quivering summit of the hill? A kiss, and all was said.” ~ Victor Hugo

As a purveyor of love products, I have had my fair share of conversations about kissing as the gateway to intimacy. A little kissing know-how goes a long way because nothing will doom a relationship faster than a bad first kiss. Some of this is a biological imperative, because kissing is the human form of long standing mammalian behavior of smelling our mates to determine compatibility. The human art form of kissing has developed over millennia when our ancestors believed that the kiss united their souls, as they believed the spirit was carried on the breath.

The key to a good kiss comes from the power of your intention, which is translated as attraction and love for the beloved. Even the most technically skilled kissers often fall short when their kiss is insincere. Many people never learned the basics of a good kiss, in part because kissing is more an art than an education. A good way to approach both is to compare it to the art of a meaningful conversation. In fact if you think of kissing as a way of communicating in ways that words can’t come close, the subtlety of good kissing technique comes clear.

Being prepared for a kiss begins with basic oral hygiene. Kissing with onion or garlic breath is an immediate detractor, so brushing the teeth or taking breath mints or gum, is a fundamental. The three primary elements that turn on a kissing conversation are breath, lips and tongue. Although it seems like stating the obvious, breathe through your nose while kissing and let your slight pulling back to take a deeper breath help slow down and connect you while you kiss. Although a racing heart and gasping for air is not uncommon during intense kissing it can be a little off putting at the beginning of the interlude.

Whether the intended kiss is just a little peck or inviting a longer conversation with an open mouthed kiss, the way you hold your lips is critical. Our lips are covered with thousands of nerve endings and have the ability to communicate soft opening as well as firm control. Experiment with softening your lips even for a short kiss and see how that changes the dialogue. Hard kisses with tight lips can be overwhelming even in the midst of serious passion. Soft open mouth kisses invite your partner into a dialogue, which is the goal. Feel for her response. Open-mouthed kissing can teach you a lot about opening to relationships: about how to avoid forcing things, as well as giving both partners the opportunity to be active participants choosing their unspoken words.

The agile tongue can speak volumes in a kiss. Unfortunately, many people think the French kiss is as simple as basic insertion of their tongue in the mouth of their partner. Nothing can kill a kissing mood like a sloppy tongue in the midst of a tentative open-mouth kissing conversation. Consider the tongue like a diplomat, and just like in a good conversationalist, use the tongue judiciously to communicate interest, curiosity and intrigue. A light tongue tracing the lips, quick darting meeting of tongues in the center of open lips is incredibly exciting and will open the conversation to new levels.

Discovering the art of kissing takes time. The patient kisser has the time to experiment and demonstrate their sensitivity and understanding. Rushing in and trying to take control of the kiss screams amateur and pushes people away more often than pulling them in. Developing the artistic capacity to communicate without words will not only enhance the physical intimacy that you share but you will be surprised at how much safer and more open your verbal conversations will become.


About Wendy Strgar

Wendy Strgar, founder and CEO of Good Clean Love, is a loveologist who writes and lectures on Making Love Sustainable, a green philosophy of relationships which teaches the importance of valuing the renewable resources of love, intimacy and family. In her new book, Love that Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy, she tackles the challenging issues of sustaining relationships and healthy intimacy with an authentic and disarming style and simple yet innovative advice. It has been called "the essential guide for relationships." The book is available on ebook, as well as in paperback online. Wendy has been married for 27 years to her husband, a psychiatrist, and lives in the beautiful Pacific Northwest.


13 Responses to “Kissing 101.”

  1. linda buzogany says:

    Kissing is hard to 'teach' and you did a great job…nothing like a great kiss. Nothing.

  2. One of my MOST FAVORITE things to experience in this world!!!

  3. Mary says:

    kissing is the most delicious way of spending time with a good pair of lips attached to a beautiful face…:)

  4. […] a movie. That voice, ohhhh, that voice. And listening to it, I believed in love. In slow dancing. In long, deep, endless kisses. In things I didn’t really understand that were peeking at me around the edges of my […]

  5. Janisa says:

    Always rferseinhg to hear a rational answer.

  6. […] The pain that’s accidental can be an utter mystery. Perhaps accidental is not the right word—no, definitely not the right word. Let’s go with unexpected. When the hope of a new potential love (sure, let’s call it that) is going well, it’s a great feeling. You get butterflies when you see his name in your texts. You have late night conversations for hours. You talk about childhood, family, hopes and dreams. You wonder what his touch would feel like and intuitively know that his kiss will wreck you. […]

  7. Nicole Weinberger says:

    A kiss is more intimate than sex.

  8. Katherine says:

    I've been thinking about this a great deal lately. Can kissing really be taught? Seems as though people kiss like who they are, that is why it is so, very, awesomely intimate.
    I've been postulating that really good kissing is more a function of spiritual development or awareness rather than technique…

  9. Jenna B Wiser says:

    Nothing in the world like a sensual kiss with the man you love. Nothing!!

  10. Mel says:

    I don’t enjoy kissing my boyfriend currently and I try to act like it is not a big deal, but it is. I miss fulfilling kisses. This is largely because I don’t feel as close to him for reasons I won’t go into now. Honestly, it is also because he does not tend to his oral hygiene all that well either, which I must confess matters to me. Additionally, he often eats foods he is allergic to and cannot breath through his nose. I helped teach him what he can do to avoid this (I am a holistic nutritionist). Breathing into my mouth is not always the most seductive thing. CPR is not what I was looking for. This probably sounds mean and I feel bad. I try to let it slide, but they don’t turn me on all that much and I find myself mostly avoiding kissing him if I can. I communicate this to him kindly and have made him great herbal mouth formulas that he forgets to use and he keeps eating stuff that he is allergic to even if he knows better. Is cheese really better than being able to kiss your girlfriend the way she likes it? Is this more details than you need to know? probably. But, I am starving for a sensual kiss that ignites my desire.