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February 10, 2012

I am Utterly Obsessed. ~ Chelsea Tegtman

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I have decided that I am completely obsessed with my food, exercise and the digestive system.

I was reading an article this morning about the Portland, Oregon yoga community and how it’s a viscous circle of cleansing, fasting, dieting, picky eating, herb and supplement consumption, colonic therapy and shameless self hate for eating a piece of cheese.

As I was reading this, it struck me, “I do this!” I obsess, self-beat-up, feel guilty and view food as the enemy. I even write a blog full of entries of the most thought out, broken down low calorie recipes I can find…sad!

“Well, of course that is why you are fat and unhappy because you treat food like an invasion of your body, wrecking your inner soul of happiness and inner peace…”

Wow, how f*cked up is that self-realization?

I even went as far as to get a colonic yesterday…and was utterly crushed that the Colonic Specialist didn’t find a huge blockage in my colon thus causing why I am “fat” and unhappy. Instead, she said it was beneficial as there was some build up, however nothing to be alarmed about. She gingerly told me to stop eating cooked food (or if I did to take a digestive enzyme beforehand) stop drinking and eating any dairy, cut all grains from my diet and see how I feel in two weeks.

Well I can tell you how I will feel. I will feel like absolute sh*t in two weeks if I cut out most of my main food groups. I will not suffer by living on raw, blended food. I am an omnivore for Christ sakes.

Therefore, I believe I have become utterly obsessed with my body image and what I am putting into my body. I would probably even be considered to have an “eating disorder.” Geeze, what a huge bummer! Or is it? Maybe this realization isn’t such a bummer; maybe it’s the doorway to loving myself again and the window to seeing the true image of the person in the mirror.

The person in the mirror is pretty great and pretty smart. Yeah, she has put on 30 some odd pounds, but there is reason for that. There is a deeper cause to my self-hatred that no colonic, raw diet, detox, yoga retreat or book can heal. It has to come from within, true belief that I deserve of a healthy body and life.

“Moderation, love, self-acceptance.” These are words that have sadly not been in my vocabulary for the past three some odd years. I have a dear friend who said something to me a few weeks back when I was spiraling in and out of the worst depression I had felt in years.

It went something like this, “Your body is not who you are, your body is simply a vessel to carry you through the world. So, if you do something nice for it once a day, take care or it, use it, move it…then your vessel will be able to carry you that much further.”

At the time, I thought to myself, “What does she think she is trying to say to me? She doesn’t understand the pain I feel each morning when I look at myself in the mirror, judging, scrutinizing each little flaw I see…”

Well, after much thought, tears, anger and soul searching I finally understand. This body of mine is a wonderful blessing. It is a capable tool to get myself through this life, and I should appreciate it daily, love on it daily, give it exactly what it wants and to listen to it when it tells me stop and go. I feel this is a much better answer to my problem, much better than getting weekly colonic treatments…feeling guilty for everything that goes in, and feeling angry and defeated when I don’t feel a workout has benefited me…it takes time to heal…and it begins now.

Jhon Alfa Tumbelaka

With that said, here is my mini list of goals to get me moving forward again. Maybe one or two or none of these will work for you, but I feel they are worth sharing.

1. Affirmation

One that has helped me these past few days is the saying, “These negative thoughts no longer suit me.” If I am running the negative train through my brain it derails it and puts my thoughts on a more positive journey.

2. Be Realistic

I am not going to lose 10 pounds in a week, or maybe not even in a month. I have to be realistic of my weight loss goals and stop focusing on the number. Instead I need to focus on the way my body is feeling after my workouts and after a nourishing meal, and be grateful for that blessing my body is experiencing.

3. Kill Social Media

Just throw it out. Only read books, magazines and journals that are going to benefit you. Only watch limited amounts of TV, don’t get sucked into the sick cycle of the unrealistic and fake expectation our culture has for the modern women or man…it is not the truth, nor is it very attainable. Strong and confidant are sexy, not drunk and dumb and skinny.

4. Stop Comparing & Analyzing

In your yoga practice or your gym routine stop looking around and thinking you are different. You are there for yourself; keep your focus and your intention close to your heart. You may not realize how sexy you actually look when you are glowing from the inside out.

5. Feed the Soul

Spend more time with healthy friends and engage in healthy activities such as enjoying nature, cooking healthy meals, or playing games. Laughter is the best food for your soul.

There is enough suffering in this world of ours, why should we suffer on the inside due to our own insanity? It doesn’t make sense, and that is why I believe the suffering should stop now.

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Chelsea Tegtman is a Colorado Native trying to wrap her head around the New Age Scene. She is a local Photographer in Fort Collins Colorado, and studying Human Nutrition. She is an aspiring yogi and loves the in-between moments of life. She grew up in the country and loves to get her hands dirty. She can make fire with two sticks and is known as “Mountain Woman,” by her close friends. She loves to travel, cook and laugh extremely loud. She is addicted to artichokes and brownies and isn’t afraid to glorify dairy. She recently began writing a blog full of useless information, and has decided to can it and start writing about what really matters…the things she loves. When Chelsea isn’t blogging, snapping photos or running through equations you can find her running on back roads, making endless lists of goals, and chasing after her kitties. You can connect with Chelsea on Facebook.

 

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