February 14, 2012

To All the Girls I’ve Upset By Writing About Vaginas Before.

Last year for Valentine’s Day

I wrote what was intended to be a humorous and potentially helpful post about a novel spin on a tried and true Valentine’s Day gift. My suggestion involved sending your honey to the spa, but the treatment waiting for her was unique in that it didn’t involve her face, back, finger or toe nails. The service was aimed right for her vagina.

Some readers thought my suggestion was funny, some thought it was a good idea, but there was a certain faction of women who were offended and outraged. Apparently I committed the major sin of writing about vaginas in any form other than a strictly sterile and scientific manner. I apologize. I had no idea men were not allowed to write humorously about vaginas.

I’m a sensitive guy. As a little kid I had several speech impediments, peed my pants in school, cried often for no reason, and hit puberty so late the New England Journal of Medicine should have used me as a case study. Needless to say I have low self esteem, and so it crushed me last year when I read the comments and hate mail from the women I’d upset by writing so loosely about vagina. In an attempt to make things right, I’m dedicating this Valentine’s Day article to you.

The big question is, what can I write now that I know I can’t write about vagina?  I guess I’m only allowed to write about things I have, and as a guy who’s written three failed novels, I really don’t have much. I have a Volkswagon, but that’s not romantic. I have a penis, but it’s not all that inspiring and leaves a lot to be desired, girth and length to be exact. And I have a dehydrator to make dried fruit, but I’m guessing women don’t want to be reminded of dried fruit on Valentine’s Day.

One thing these women and I might have in common is failed relationships. I have had a lot of those, mostly because I’m a miserable human being who’s often overcome with feelings of restlessness, indecision, despair, and regret. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and when I think about the tears I’ve caused I worry they don’t add up to the amount I’ve cried, so sometimes I don’t really feel like I deserve to be happy, and maybe I don’t. Needless to say, I’m not exactly the easiest guy in the world to be with.

Valentine’s Day is considered by many, even some romantics, to be a bit of a farce since it’s an invented holiday. It’s too bad Jesus didn’t roll with Cupid because we’d probably get work off today if he did. Maybe if we reread the bible closely enough we can interpret a passage where Jesus briefly experiments with homosexuality and spends a few sand kickin’ nights in the desert with Cupid. They were watching the Oscars, Jesus had just steam cleaned his perineum, one thing led to another, and all of a sudden Jesus is shooting Cupid with his arrow. Now that would be a day worth celebrating.

As far as we know that didn’t happen though, so we’re left with marking the day with roses and chocolates instead of bright feathery boas and undersized clothes. But let’s face it, whether your relationship is good or not, you can’t blow the holiday off so here are five gift ideas for what to give to your other half when the love is gone.

# 5 – Jean Pajamas: When you stop caring about your appearance and making any kind of effort to look good for your woman or man, it’s over. But if a shared pet, shared mortgage, or shared fear of ending up alone are keeping you together then you might as well make yourself comfortable by wearing pajama’s that double as blue jeans. That way you never have to change when it’s time to pick up the take-out chinese food or answer the door for the pizza delivery.

# 4 – Billboard your house: A marketing company is paying homeowners to paint the fronts of their homes into advertisements in exchange for cash. It doesn’t matter if you need the money or not, take the sting out of being stuck living with someone you can’t stand by monetizing the home in which you are trapped.

# 3 – The Squatty Potty: Relationships require mystery, and one of those mysteries that should always remain unsolved should be when and where your loved one takes a dump. But too often we fall victim to convenience and pattern, and soon enough the mystery is gone. Well, if that’s the case then take it to the next level by investing in a Squatty Potty because if you’re gonna know when each other is shitting, then the least you can do is get it done in one sitting.
*** NOTE- Watch the video on the website, it’s well worth the time.

# 2 – Adoption: I know what you’re thinking, and no, I’m not suggesting you fix your failing relationship by taking on the responsibility of a child. That would be like buying a gross of anchors for a sinking ship. But you can adopt each other. A guy in Florida is adopting his adult girlfriend right now. He’s doing it to try to prevent losing all his money in a lawsuit that he will hopefully lose. But hey, if things have gotten a little stale in the bedroom, this takes role play to the ultimate level in both ceremony and perversion.

# 1- Coupons: Nothing says ‘I love you’ less than an IOU, and nothing is more convenient. All you need is a dull pencil and a few scraps of paper. Go ahead and for just one moment let yourself go. Be romantic. Recall that spark. Resurrect those butterflies that have turned to moths. Start over. Feel hope. Find inspiration. Do everything written on your lululemon shopping bag. Open yourself up to pain. Take a chance. Embrace the risk. Feel that long forgotten rush from love again as you pull yourself up out of that crater of despair and write your guy or girl wild promises about sentimental memories and long forgotten shared aspirations. Put ‘em all down and circle ‘em with a heart. It’s all good, because tomorrow if you have a change of heart you can pretend like it never even happened and it won’t even cost you a dime.

And with that I say Happy Valentines Day to all the women I’ve upset by writing about vaginas before. I’m sorry for taking so many liberties with your beloved Vagina. It won’t happen again. You complete me.

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