March 22, 2012

How to Be Truly Unfit, Unhappy and Angry in Five Easy Steps. ~ Michele Paiva

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Success in being unfit, insecure and wearing is not an accident folks, it’s an art.

An art that you now, can perfect, with my help. I am going to help you demystify the concept of unwell. I want you to uncover the glories of victimization and being irresponsible. We are going to co-create your spiral downward. Are you ready? Let’s begin tomorrow, because doing something in the moment is a tota waste of time –– so I’d first like you to procrastinate a bit, come back in 45 minutes or a day, then sink your baking-soda polished teeth into a real journey of deprogramming your healthy life.

Why do we want to do this? Because some of our peers who are not living the same way we are, well, are irritated by us. We need to learn to enable them, and embrace that them knocking down our lifestyle is good for them, it feeds their self-esteem. If we can gain weight, be unhappy and unfit we can help them to feel better about themselves.

Step One

Stay awake and decrease your sleep. No one likes a rested, coherent, vibrant person so, to fit in with the mass and stress all day and night, don’t sleep when you are tired but instead say things in a very bragging manner like, “I get like four hours of sleep all night and I am fine with it!”. Make sure you are slumping and straining your lumbar spine, have bags under your eyes and are guzzling energy drinks when you say this or you just won’t be believable. 

Step Two

Rafael Peñaloza

Throw out all vegetables and fruit you can fine in your home, and start loading up on bleached flour products, items processed with Monosodium Glutamate and any of the synthetic food dyes out there. With misfortune, although you may get some triggor headaches and constipation right away, the real benefit of these foods won’t really hit home until you start to break out, bloat, gain weight, lose IQ points and have bad breath. Until then, try to bask in the glory of the migraine and constipation, by telling everyone how you haven’t had a bowel movement in weeks, but you “don’t like vegetables” and make sure that wrinkle your nose up when you say it. Drama always helps.

Step Three

Find a couch. Sit on it. Don’t move. If you keep moving around, you are going to keep your poor lymphatic, respiratory and circulatory system active, and we want them to relax. It is very important to do nothing, and by all means I hope you have the batteries in your television remote, lap top and phone charged, because if you have to actually get up, you ruin everything. Just sit on the couch. Let the pounds pile and the systems weaken.

Step Four

Stop forgiving people, stop trying to be a peacemaker. Start to harbor bitterness. It makes the little lines between your eyebrows so darn cute when you are angry, and helps to age you to give you that maturity that you so desire. Bitterness also is great for keeping your cortisol levels nice and high so your thyroid and other hormones can’t functin properly. It’s always good to keep your body systems guessing, as it keeps them from being too cocky. It also helps if you start having a total crud attitude and when you hear of people’s good fortune, say things like “Well, must be nice” or simply give a good eye roll. Pratice in front of the mirror. Affirmations be damned, a good dirty look is empowering. All that nonesense about a smile taking less muscles than a frown? Work out your face. Bitterness is a workout for the mind and body, like yoga, but different.

Step Five

Finally, and last but not least. Stop believing in yourself and your capabilities. Who the hell do you think you are to believe you can do anything? Stop any stable behavior at all. Try to have meltdowns often, and sob in public over any and everything you can think of. Is the store out of processed cupcakes? Stop. Stare at the shelf. Let out a tearful scream, sobbing with tears coming out of your eyes, nose and even mouth. Spitting a lot while screaming helps to keep the insanity feeling fresh also. I need you to stop that pesky habit of prayer or meditation, stop going to those evil yoga classes, and don’t find peace in your heart. Ever.

Whatever you do, I believe that you can find that balance to fit in with the mass of society, who enjoy being a victim, find it impossible to eat healthy, never forgive anyone and can’t even walk to their car without huffing and puffing. There you have it. Five easy steps to beginning a downward spiral of failures. (Plural, because one failure doesn’t count, you need to compound them, like insufficient fund fees at the bank).


Editor: Lindsay Friedman


Michele Paiva, E-RYT, Hypnotherapist and wellness warrior,  is an author, yogi and national instructor & presenter. She lives with an ill-behaved yet well-dressed chihuahua.

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