How to Be Truly Unfit, Unhappy and Angry in Five Easy Steps. ~ Michele Paiva

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der bobbel

Success in being unfit, insecure and wearing is not an accident folks, it’s an art.

An art that you now, can perfect, with my help. I am going to help you demystify the concept of unwell. I want you to uncover the glories of victimization and being irresponsible. We are going to co-create your spiral downward. Are you ready? Let’s begin tomorrow, because doing something in the moment is a tota waste of time –– so I’d first like you to procrastinate a bit, come back in 45 minutes or a day, then sink your baking-soda polished teeth into a real journey of deprogramming your healthy life.

Why do we want to do this? Because some of our peers who are not living the same way we are, well, are irritated by us. We need to learn to enable them, and embrace that them knocking down our lifestyle is good for them, it feeds their self-esteem. If we can gain weight, be unhappy and unfit we can help them to feel better about themselves.

Step One

Stay awake and decrease your sleep. No one likes a rested, coherent, vibrant person so, to fit in with the mass and stress all day and night, don’t sleep when you are tired but instead say things in a very bragging manner like, “I get like four hours of sleep all night and I am fine with it!”. Make sure you are slumping and straining your lumbar spine, have bags under your eyes and are guzzling energy drinks when you say this or you just won’t be believable. 

Step Two

Rafael Peñaloza

Throw out all vegetables and fruit you can fine in your home, and start loading up on bleached flour products, items processed with Monosodium Glutamate and any of the synthetic food dyes out there. With misfortune, although you may get some triggor headaches and constipation right away, the real benefit of these foods won’t really hit home until you start to break out, bloat, gain weight, lose IQ points and have bad breath. Until then, try to bask in the glory of the migraine and constipation, by telling everyone how you haven’t had a bowel movement in weeks, but you “don’t like vegetables” and make sure that wrinkle your nose up when you say it. Drama always helps.

Step Three

Find a couch. Sit on it. Don’t move. If you keep moving around, you are going to keep your poor lymphatic, respiratory and circulatory system active, and we want them to relax. It is very important to do nothing, and by all means I hope you have the batteries in your television remote, lap top and phone charged, because if you have to actually get up, you ruin everything. Just sit on the couch. Let the pounds pile and the systems weaken.

Step Four

Stop forgiving people, stop trying to be a peacemaker. Start to harbor bitterness. It makes the little lines between your eyebrows so darn cute when you are angry, and helps to age you to give you that maturity that you so desire. Bitterness also is great for keeping your cortisol levels nice and high so your thyroid and other hormones can’t functin properly. It’s always good to keep your body systems guessing, as it keeps them from being too cocky. It also helps if you start having a total crud attitude and when you hear of people’s good fortune, say things like “Well, must be nice” or simply give a good eye roll. Pratice in front of the mirror. Affirmations be damned, a good dirty look is empowering. All that nonesense about a smile taking less muscles than a frown? Work out your face. Bitterness is a workout for the mind and body, like yoga, but different.

Step Five

Finally, and last but not least. Stop believing in yourself and your capabilities. Who the hell do you think you are to believe you can do anything? Stop any stable behavior at all. Try to have meltdowns often, and sob in public over any and everything you can think of. Is the store out of processed cupcakes? Stop. Stare at the shelf. Let out a tearful scream, sobbing with tears coming out of your eyes, nose and even mouth. Spitting a lot while screaming helps to keep the insanity feeling fresh also. I need you to stop that pesky habit of prayer or meditation, stop going to those evil yoga classes, and don’t find peace in your heart. Ever.

Whatever you do, I believe that you can find that balance to fit in with the mass of society, who enjoy being a victim, find it impossible to eat healthy, never forgive anyone and can’t even walk to their car without huffing and puffing. There you have it. Five easy steps to beginning a downward spiral of failures. (Plural, because one failure doesn’t count, you need to compound them, like insufficient fund fees at the bank).


Editor: Lindsay Friedman


Michele Paiva, E-RYT, Hypnotherapist and wellness warrior,  is an author, yogi and national instructor & presenter. She lives with an ill-behaved yet well-dressed chihuahua.

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anonymous Apr 17, 2012 6:36pm

[…] They are not inspired to put energy into action, although their words state, “Yes, I want to go for the brass ring of happiness, prosperity, love and other possibilities,” but they remain afraid, locked in their own hell. […]

anonymous Apr 4, 2012 11:31am

[…] how things typically unfold when I start to work on this very common issue with my […]

anonymous Mar 30, 2012 7:22pm

Michele – thanks so much for a good laugh! 🙂 Namaste.

anonymous Mar 30, 2012 5:34pm

BTW – Here in the U.S. we are living in a country with an obesity epidemic. I think I read it's almost up to 80 or 90% over weight of obese. There is absolutely no way you can rationalize this and say people are victims of this or that. You are the only person making the final decision as to what you put in your mouth and how much you put into your mouth.

I know many will argue – – but poor people cannot afford vegetables. It's cheaper to feed a family pasta rather than lean meat and vegetables. I say that my be true but as an excuse for the obesity epidemic it is absolute bunk! People are obese across ALL income brackets or haven't you noticed?

Others are blaming it on high fructose corn syrup. Give me a break! If you are living on processed food, that is just plain stupid!

You can't blame obesity on the poor economy. During the depression, people were not obese.

We are turning into a society of lazy over consumers and the obesity epidemic is the elephant in the room!
And it is bankrupting our nation, due to all the new diseases born from this gluttony epidemic.

Michelle's article speaks to this directly.

anonymous Mar 30, 2012 5:24pm

Michele – I loved the satire and inverted logic. I know exactly where you are coming from. This article is spot on! 🙂

anonymous Mar 30, 2012 1:10pm

I have a theory that the people who take offense to this article feel it was directed towards them. In terms of physical fitness, no matter how poor you are…you have feet, you can take a walk. As for depression, anxiety, and fear: physical exercise helps relieve the intensity of those emotions and mental states more than pills would (cheaper too!) The point is not to make you feel like shit for not having money and access to things, it is to stop complaining if you don't and make positive changes in a life where these articles do not piss you off anymore. Besides, if you're sitting around reading articles on Elephant Journal, on a computer, you're not that bad off.

I love stuff like this. I'm sure the author was experiencing this negativity in her own life or had seen it in way too many others and wanted to give them a literal slap in the face like in the old black and white movies, "get a hold of yourself! You can make it better!"

anonymous Mar 23, 2012 7:43pm

Nice piece of inverted logic…gramatical errors a bit off-putting though. "tota" for total…"fine" for find etc? Really no valid excuse for that sort of thing in a published work.

    anonymous Mar 24, 2012 8:25am

    Using bad grammar to complain about bad grammar and the occasional typo is hilarious. Do you have any idea as to how funny your post is?

anonymous Mar 23, 2012 8:57am

Folks who "pass the buck" or blame others suffer from a sense of worthlessness, or low self esteem. Never the less, there comes a point in every man and woman's life where they have to come to grips with these unfortunate life experiences and take responsibility for themselves. While it may be easy to point a finger at those who refuse to be held accountable, at the same time we must recognize the huge deficit or loss that lead to this behavior. Striking a healthy balance may lead to avoidance or walking away!

anonymous Mar 23, 2012 3:50am

It’s just that you are so negative and think only privileged people write here…but I am not sure if you ever lived on potatoes and beets salad every single day, had one pair of pants and 3 sweaters and find out that your mum is totally in debt that they came to disconnect electricity an water…I lived through it , so I know that there is something one can do, even tiny little thing!

anonymous Mar 23, 2012 3:46am

Harleigh, let me quickly tell you my story: my first trip was actually to the US for a summer work, I paid my expenses (all the money I have borrowed from my mum’s boss), I found a job through Internet in a diner in Maine, went there worked half day at the diner the found a job at motel doing room cleaning…I worked my ass off, on top of that I cycled to job everyday…I was more than exhausted, but I did it, got back, paid my debts kept the rest and stopped living off my parents, after few years I went to Ireland (flight from Lithuania is not so expensive) and I dreamed of an admin office job as I had already some experience in my home country…well, nobody cared about that, some girl from Eastern Europe…so me and my boyfriend ended up with no money even for a bus ride and I put aside the dream of a 9-5 job and went to work in a 3 star hotel restaurant, after that I got another job as a receptionist in an Italian restaurant, did both for a few months, then kept only one, moved to partially being a manager on duty and ended actually finding a job as administrator…I worked for it really hard and no degree was needed as I started at the low positions and gradually moved up, the same as I moved to the Middle East, I am not American or British, so they would be still cautious (and who even knows some Lithuania, right?!), I heard so many times that the preference would be for an English native speaker, but I got there, starting again from the lowest position and salary to doubling an tripling it after few years when I proved that I am no worse being from some small country or even if I did not have so much experience…

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 6:11pm

Loved this! I get the satire and get the sense of being in control of your own destiny. You have to make it happen for yourself because nobody else will. You can lead a healthy lifestyle and make it work if you really set your mind to it. I work a 40-60 hour desk job, don't have time for proper meals except dinner with my family, am a mother of a 2 1/2 year old soon to have another baby and have found Yoga in September. Totally changed everything about my life. Thank you for the chuckle and I appreciate your humor.

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 1:12pm

I've been on all ends and as a human, we all will be… anyone who says otherwise is lying. We've all seen hardship in varying degrees. Some people need to have help/aid, but I am talking in the article about choices, not those without choices. I hope we all have taken part in outreach to those who are in dire need, or need a hand outstretched toward them. However, the article was pointed the the person who prefers, makes a job out of, being miserable. It absolutely was condescending, but toward those who do nothing to raise themselves when they could and attack those who try.
Those who need help, by all means, we help them. I live my life doing this in fact, through many outlets. It is my purpose to bring awareness to raising others up and if it means being snarky from time to time, to rattle some chains, so be it.
However, to Daiva, you were able to raise yourself up but some are not able.. that is what some folks are misreading into this.. that it was about those who were less fortunate not those just lazy. Big difference. Actually also, many native English speakers can get a certificate to teach in other countries (the language) so the door is very much open. There are even work study programs for that though, I can't state that the income would be substantial enough to create change in income if one is in a dire situation, but I suppose any income is income.

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 9:07am

and what concerns the jobs, well, you know that there is wide world outside right?! and that being a native English speaker you have many countries, options and even advantages, right?! so guess what, I did not have a job (because my country is in a forever recession) so I had to move and what a blessing it was…from one year in Ireland, then Italy now stuck for a bit in the UAE…there is always something you can do…always…even if it's saying tro somebody that you are not ok and you need help…you can always do something….

    anonymous Mar 22, 2012 11:01am

    I almost let the rest slide, but this last one is BLATANTLY NOT TRUE.
    If you don't have a degree needed for a needed profession in a country, or a degree at all, or even an english teaching certificate, then that door is CLOSED.
    Also, how do you get to those other countries?
    These Responses were nearly as condescending as the article itself, and at least the article was meant to be satire.

      anonymous Mar 22, 2012 6:59pm

      You almost "let this slide" don't you see that you are just solidifying the point that Michele is making? It is almost embarrasing to read your posts. You are exactly what shes talking about. Attacking people that want to be happy. All doors are never closed. Perseverance will show you that. I will give you a tip….Since you really zeroed in on the teaching certificate….you get a job delivering pizzas or something for cash money under the table, take a TESOL course and many companies will pay for many of the expenses. Or you can find many opportunities in your own back yard, without leaving your country. Your pessimism makes me feel sad.

        anonymous Mar 23, 2012 6:48am

        Tasha, that is what I was looking for (TESOL)… I know of people who did this "non degree" approach and taught English, embodied incredible outreach, dedicated over six months to living in a very poverty stricken environment and were VERY happy, rightly so! Thank you for bringing it up.

      anonymous Mar 22, 2012 8:23pm

      Not so, Harleigh.

      I spent an incredibly fruitful year teaching English in China. At the time I didn't have a bachelor's degree, and I certainly didn't have an ESL or TEFL certificate. Those are nice, and may get you a bigger paycheck as an English teacher overseas, but they're not necessary.

      Granted, some higher education is usually a requirement — I had the equivalent of an associate's. But Asia, especially China, is desperate for native English-speakers as teachers. Unless you have absolutely no college education whatsoever, you can probably make it happen.

      As for how you get there — any foreign teaching contract worth its salt pays your airfare, either up front or as a reimbursement once you fulfill your contract.

        anonymous Mar 23, 2012 6:50am

        Correct Brooke, the person I spoke of before this post to Tasha, was a GED graduate, no college but, intelligent and motivated. I am not sure which of those certificates she obtained, but it was an online course, and she was able to make amazing changes with her life with a little faith, elbow grease and motivation to do so.

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 9:03am

There are certainly conditions situations, I did have a breakdown myself last week (though at home, on my kitchen floor, with my two cats looking at this crazy sobbing lady), but guess what?! I also had a 5 km run after that, thinking that this is how I am going to love myself today…by crying as much as I want about something dear but painful, but not numbing and forgetting myself and my body. And it's not the fortune we chose but our attitude, while not ignoring that things are not perfect, but at least not making ourselves another problem…

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 9:03am

well, Samantha, I have been on both ends…I was fat and thin and broke and had more than enough…interestingly I was much more fit and active when I worked less and had little money, and at that time I could not even dream about attending a gym, but running in a stadium around my school and doing crunches in my super small room (which I shared with my sister) and eating all sorts of grains and maybe even plain old pasta just with tomato sauce didn't cost at all or the cost was really little…I guess the issue is that we are so quick to make an excuse for today, but forget that even financially wise, being sick in the future will cost so much more and will be so much more inconvenient…and one does not have to do anything grand, but something little…I had the best advice: do 30 sit ups and 10 push ups every morning and you start seeing results after 2 weeks…and how long would that take, something like 7 minutes…is that too much to ask?!

    anonymous Mar 30, 2012 5:14pm

    Daiva, you are sooooo right on! Sit ups! Push Ups! I LOVE it! 🙂

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 8:30am

Samantha, you missed the point in a major way. I’m curious if you actually read it. I said nothing about poverty. Nothing. I also speak about choices and options. Not people who are in “poverty or depression” who have no choices.
In fact, taking your own words, I disagree. People do –even in poverty or depression, have choices to make and there is help available if they opt for that.

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 7:49am

How is this satire? What is ironic or humorous about parodying poverty, depression, and lack of self worth as though they were lifestyle choices? All this does is inspire cynical self-satisfaction in people who think they have chosen their own good fortune.

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 7:25am

While there are certainly people whose situations are quite dire, making it difficult to implement changes that would allow them to move out of such a lifestyle… your article brings to light the desperate need for a priority shift in our culture. I work in a desk job and come from a family of desk jobbers. After shifting priorities in my own life I have come to the conclusion that most people simply do not take the interest in their own well being, because it is an inconvenience. Eating is an inconvenience. Moving is an inconvenience. One might miss a terribly important television program! Or get sunburned even! It feels more and more like people complain about not having the time, ability, or money to change their lifestyles to one more suited for them (granted some people legitimately do not). But it's hard to take such commentary seriously when it's made from that couch, in front of a wall sized television, while surrounded by processed snacks, sodas, and hamburgers.

    anonymous Mar 22, 2012 8:37am

    There is nothing wrong with being a desk worker, but hey, if it wasn't working from you and you changed it, kudos!
    I think it is very, very hard to make changes and anyone who makes even a micro change is doing a great thing. I think this hits home with a lot of people on the negative because it is hard to pick at a scab not ready to heal.. and those who struggle will not see the humor in the choices that we all have….and I am of the mindest, knowing doctors and single moms, some single mom's who are doctors.. that we all have the same 24 hours and if someone is too busy to balance their life, that is in fact, through their other life choices. I'm all about responsibility. I'll be the first to admit it isn't always easy, but it is hardly impossible. Thanks for giving me a chuckle with your post while also bringing awareness to key points.

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 2:49am

Harleigh, I couldn't agree with you more. If someone is having a meltdown or sobbing in public, then that person is probably suffering. Taking a smug sense of self-satisfaction from this person's pain–after passing them by or via a yuppie-yoga article is pretty repugnant if you ask me. I have a doctorate degree and have still found myself struggling to find legitimate work in this depression, which is what we have been in since 2008. I'm vegan, maintain a challenging fitness routine, and strive for a good attitude, peace of mind, and to avoid self-victimization. But as Harleigh said, things simply compound on you when you're poor; be it debt, stress, overworking to maintain and/or seek low-paying jobs, or the inability to seek outside opportunities to improve your life due to being completely broke. Get out of Boulder for a day or two and lend a helping hand to some of these people.

    anonymous Mar 22, 2012 6:02am

    It is obviously satire. It is a great way to approach it as you were able to discuss the reality of the situation(s) and very much respected.

      anonymous Mar 22, 2012 1:56pm

      I understand that your article is satire with the good intention of promoting wellness; and it is probably effective in doing so. As you have respectfully acknowledged, I just want to remind everyone, including myself, to approach each other with compassion and understanding before judgement, especially in these turbulent times. My response was pretty reactive, itself. I'll draw from both my own advice and your professional response as I strive to be more considerate in the future.

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 1:07am

OMG I gave to share this with everyone I know! Brilliant work, so inspiring I want to be like that when im older! Lol Xxx amazing article:)

    anonymous Mar 22, 2012 6:03am

    Thank you, glad it was smile inducing 🙂

anonymous Mar 22, 2012 12:15am

Actually, it's a horrible way to approach this.
Let's ignore the snide nature of the article and look at this:

Entry into a "fit" lifestyle is actually cost prohibitive. Health food is TWICE the price of regular food. A juicer isn't exactly cheap.
Yoga classes can be upwards of $20 a session, in a CLASS setting, and even more for those that actually NEED private instruction.

WE are in a recession, if not depression, and many are not working, and just barely surviving, much less able to go to a gym, or even take a run, as they need to conserve what food they buy, and cannot afford to burn off the extra calories, which requires intake of more food, which requires money, which requires working…..I think you get the point.

Believing in yourself?

Think of the person that knows he is over qualified for even the lowliest job and cannot even get that due to competition of other more, in the viewpoint of the employer, easily controlled people with less experience.

This is an "ivory tower" view, that does not take in the reality of others, attempting to force your circumstance upon those that may not have anything even close to similar opportunities.

So the circumstances of their life may be compounded, like bank fees, to the point they may even contemplate suicide, however that's not possible, as it is illegal and people selfishly want to keep them around for THEIR own well being, not really truly concerned with the well being of the person in the situation.

Oh, wait…..this is satire?

Oh, then I guess this IS a great take on the subject. 😉

    anonymous Mar 22, 2012 6:06am

    Yes, it was meant to bring awareness in a light way, to serious problems. I have been a medical anchor, journalist and own a wellness center.. wellness is SERIOUS business to me and our health system does nothing to help people in gaining momentum to actually be healthy. Just the cost of organic food alone is too much for many, let alone yoga, etc… I love that you wrote this and it helps to bring awareness. You brought up great points, and the focus for me is to get the word out, in any way I can, even a bit risque, on wellness.

    anonymous Mar 23, 2012 7:44am

    Don't we need to fix ourselves before we can help others? It's the whole "put your oxygen mask on first before helping your neighbor with theirs" thing. It's not selfish, it's elementary. You cannot help someone else breathe when you yourself is struggling for oxygen. Or would you rather the blind lead the blind?

anonymous Mar 21, 2012 8:25pm

absolutely fantastic! seeing the undesirables of the shadow, to step fully into the perfection of light!

anonymous Mar 21, 2012 8:15pm

What an EXCELLENT way to approach this – BRILLIANT!!