March 5, 2012

The Do’s & Don’ts of Dating a Yogini.

Photo by Lon Diamond

How to Avoid a One Night Yogini Stand…

…and get a second date with your Yogini.

Before you read this article, Do bring your sense of humor. Don’t take it so seriously. Unless you realize that your serious attitude could be the reason you’re not getting a second date with your yogini.

Do show up on time. If you’re an eager beaver (or should I say for the beaver) and arrive early, chill. Don’t pressure your yogini with a call or text. There is a reason she does Yoga, which most likely includes its stress reducing properties.

Don’t show up at all if you are running 25 minutes late and your excuse is kobe got hit in the nose so you were grieving. Arriving late is rude and selfish. It will be the first thing your Yogini will notice about you. If you can’t manage your time and be considerate as a single person, you will not be able to manage your time as a duo.

Do pick her up in an electric or hybrid car like a Prius. If you don’t own one, rent or borrow. If you don’t want to spend the extra 35 dollars ( or time ) to get one for your date, you should reconsider how much you are into this Yogini. If it’s love or sex you’re chasing go the extra mile. And given that you are driving a Prius, you’d have all those extra miles!

Don’t pick her up in a Prius if she’s a just a Hollywood type Yogini who attends yoga classes to get skinny, meet celebrities, producers and writers that will further her already sucky career.

Once she sees that horrific looking car, don’t be surprised if this yogini cancels your date with any ol’ bogus excuse. She’ll pretend she just got sick with a sudden case of diarrhea from some mung bean and miso paste cake she ate at lunch. Then, she will summon her on-call best gay friend who does care about style to pick her up in his mercedes.

Do open all doors.  Every hippy chick and ferociously independent yogini loves chivalry. If in the rare case they don’t, offer to let her drive. If she accepts, then girlfriend, get ready to buy yourself a pair of panties and some lipstick!

Photo by OhNo! Doom Collective

Do walk to your date if she’s a die-hard yogini. I hope your Tom’s shoes are durable and have good arch support! (On the plus side, a die-hard yogini will dig the musky smell of your sweat.)

Do play a little Krishna Das as your Yogini enters your car. Don’t play Krishna Das all night long if you expect to get any action after the night is over. As the saying goes, meditation is masturbation.

Do offer to take your die hard Yogini to a kirtan event after dinner. Don’t go to kirtan if she accepts the offer. Hours of chanting will definitely raise your meditative vibrations but I’m going to assume your goal is to raise your yogini’s legs behind her ears ( a feat she’s quite capable of ).

Do take her to your favorite fancy restaurant that offers vegetarian options, organic foods and is as eco friendly as possible.  Surprise your date with digestive enzymes for extra brownie points. This will ensure an explosive-free evening later on. Not that your “body comfortable yogini” would have even the slightest fear about sharing her every digestive experience.

Don’t take her to your favorite earthy hole in the wall where everybody knows your name.  The familiarity of your “Cheers-like” environment will not make your yogini feel special. It will make her feel familiar when she’d prefer to feel like Shiva.

Image by Joe Shlabotnick

Do make a quick pit stop at Whole Foods market. Everyone knows how expensive and eco friendly whole foods is. Getting a last minute item shows you support the environment and you’re not frugal. If you really want to look like a hero, take a moment to sign the paper of one of the petitioners who bombard you at the exit.

Even if you’ve signed the gay rights marriage petition so many times that they think you’re gay, Do it so she can see it.

Don’t let her go into Whole Foods market with you Everyone knows how expensive and eco friendly whole foods is.  If she’s a crafty yogini she may flirt her way onto your tab with six of her overpriced kombucha teas she normally buys one of.

Do tell her how beautiful she looks and smells even if her attire is not your style and she chose to wear patchouli while her clothes smell like the incense Nag Champa.

Don’t suggest she try a perfume your mother or ex girlfriend used to wear. If you do, and the girl doesn’t recoil and offer her therapist’s number to help you get over your mommy issues, then she’s a keeper!

Do expect your yogini to offer to pay half the night’s costs. Don’t let her pay if you expect another date. I’m not saying you have to pay for every date. ( Although, it would be nice and works well with the hunters and gatherers in us all. )  Look on the bright side!  Be thankful to the food industry and evolution you don’t have to hunt for your food anymore and she doesn’t have to prepare your fresh caught slaughter.

Do ask her if you can kiss her goodnight. Do this in a way that reminds her of  Chris Hemsworth in Thor  and not John C Reilly in Cyrus.

Photo by Discutivo

Do make sure your teeth are free of food debris. After your healthy, organic seed filled dinner who knows what could be lurking in the crevices of your eye teeth. Don’t worry about your garlic breath. At this point in the evening it’s already permeating through both of your pores.

Don’t complainIf your yogini wanted to listen to your complaints, she’d be spending the evening watching her mother play canasta with her girlfriends. Or better yet, donating time at a convalescent home.

Your yogini wants to date a man, not an old woman. Athough practicing yoga has probably increased her tolerance for some things, your whining will not be one of them.

Don’t assume because she’s an earthy chick that she has earthy boundaries. Put aside those visions of Woodstock( 1 and 2), Burning Man and Coachella. After all, what happens in festivals stays in festivals.

A little fourth of July fun to wrangle the boys in my direction.LOL

A few glasses of wine relaxes us all. It’s important to remember that if you really like your yogini, women need to bond emotionally ( except for my friend Michele, but that’s another article ). Men need to bond physically.

So, even if she’s drunk on that organic, sulphite-free wine you’ve been downing all night, don’t let her take advantage of you if you intend to be more than a one night Yogini stand.

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