I’m So Glad We’re Not Friends Anymore.

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The ending of a friendship can be heart-breaking.

Whether you were friends for three months or thirty years, the breaking of a friendship can be devastating—and it’s never typically easy, but sometimes breaking up can be the best thing you do for yourself and the other person. When things go wrong for a long period of time, when a friendship has become unhealthy and destructive, no matter how difficult it is, it could be time to make space for something new and nurturing.

10 signs it might be time for a friendship break-up:

1. Instead of being supportive and encouraging, the friendship turns critical, judgemental and condescending.

2. You feel uncomfortable or tense around the other person.

3. Conversations become more argumentative than not.

4. You notice that you’re trash talking the other person to your boyfriend/girlfriend and other friends.

5. You feel a loss of energy, anger or disappointment after spending time with the other person.

6. You constantly feel as if the other person brings out the worst in you.

7. You feel as if the other person’s bad mood becomes your problem and you start to live out that bad mood.

8. When you aren’t in touch or when you leave the other person, you feel a sense of utter relief.

9. You feel bullied or manipulated and are fearful to disappoint the other person.

10. You feel as if you can’t share your joy and happiness with the other person.

Perhaps by identifying if the friendships we have are meaningful or if they are just an obligatory unhealthy habit, we take a step toward creating a bit more positive space in our lives.

Have you ever broken up with a friend?

How did you know it was over?

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Tanya Lee Markul

Luring the magic of what is natural back into our daily lives, Tanya Markul is a freer of creativity, of inner beauty + power, and an enthusiastic igniter of the wild spirit! She re-writing the wild flower sutras, and offers a refreshing & badass view on spirituality, wellness & authentic living. Sensitivity is her tree trunk, flower stem, and nucleus. It is her belly, and her heart. Tanya is an artist of life, a faery of trees, a wanderer of the dark, a writer of heart, a misfit yogini, and an Urban Priestess apprentice. She believes in the power of your personal weird, quirky, magic, and that only path toward inner freedom & light, is through the dark — eyes closed, heart open. Tanya is the creator of The Urban Howl, Yoga Write Now & Waking Wild. Join her free forum for monthly yoga & writing practices here. Join her free forum for 30 days of exercise for 30 days here. Join her on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter & get her free weekly & quirky newsletter here.

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anonymous Dec 1, 2015 2:11am

it is so difficult to break up with a friend. I recently did it. It wasn´t meant to be I think, maybe she was too young and needed experience, I didn´t understand certain things she did, certain behaviour. Her sister took my wedding photos and never gave them to me, and she didn´t do anything. It was heartbraking to see she did not care about the memories of the best day of my life, that was the end of the friendhip

anonymous Nov 12, 2015 9:17am

Thankful to read this after leaving a relationship that no longer served me. So many of these statements rang true. I should have left sooner.

anonymous May 3, 2015 9:53pm

In the process of this myself. Sad, but eager to allow each of us the growth we need.

anonymous Apr 14, 2015 8:05am

I just ended a 16 year friendship. It was a little tough because I love her like my own sister but it wasn't as hard because we had been drifting away for awhile. I got tired of her putting everything else and everyone before me. I was tired of seeing posts on facebook of her new besties that she had only been friends with a short amount of time and I had been there for her for 16 years. Felt like I was chopped liver at that point. So rather than keep allowing all the situations continue to hurt me I decided to let go of the friendship and part ways. I told her how I felt and basically she told me it wasn't her problem and threw alot of negativity towards me and I wasn't trying to fight. I was staying calm and being the bigger person. At the end of the conversation I told her I'd always be there for her and that I loved her and she said " no thanks I'm good ." That hurt alot but I knew right then for sure I had made the right decision.

anonymous Mar 22, 2015 6:07am

This article just showed up on my newsfeed at the same exact time I am wondering what to do with a very close friendship. I have been friends with my girlfriend for about 10 years. I know she gets mixed reviewed from my other friends and is notoriously known as the “mean girl” persona. I was never mistreated by her, in fact she had shown me an entirely generous, loving, devoted side of herself; that’s why we are friends. Recently, I got engaged and so did my girlfriend (and lots of others) and I have received more the “mean-girl” attitude. She has been selfish, makes my wedding choices not seem suffice, and ultimately just unsupportive (she is my MOH). The more I see of her bad attitude and negativity towards my wedding day, the more I really don’t want her to stand beside me when I’m getting married. I know that it I ask her to step down that isn’t just for that day, but in life. I feel so hurt and sad during a time where I should feel joy and happiness because of this friend. Such a dilemma.

anonymous Mar 20, 2015 8:35pm

My question is how do you end this sort of friendship? Everything on this list describes my friend of 10 years. I really don't enjoy the friendship, but feel like I can't leave. How do you end it properly?

anonymous Jan 3, 2015 5:00pm

Some friends just stop giving a shit. I guess that's life. It sucks but at least I had more than one best friend (one who actually cares) when I had to drop the other two.

anonymous Jan 3, 2015 4:41pm

Best friend breakup after a 25 year long friendship. She introduced me to a guy, who I ended up getting engaged to and moving 2000 miles across country for…Guy called off wedding via post it note less than 2 weeks before wedding. Instead of having my back…she defended him. (yes, she was married with 2 kids)…could never understand it. Found out a year later after breaking it off with her that she started sleeping with him 2 months after what was supposed to be our wedding year old date. Yep, cheated on her husband too. Classy

anonymous Jan 3, 2015 12:36pm

I’m still feeling guilty about a neighbor who I ended up interacting with quite a bit because of the ages of our children (luckily our kids were not best friends). She very much wanted to be part of my life and was looking for me to validate some things that were important to her (but not to me). She constantly found ways for the children to be together and then this turned into a whole day, with plans for more. My sanity required me to distance myself, but I knew how much it would hurt her. I basically just withdrew…often escaping my house just to be unavailable. She asked me any number of times if she had offended me….but what could I say? Her entire value system offended me…is there any reason to express that (and she would have never understand what I meant)? Did I owe her some kind of explanation? I was in such turbulence about her that I know I let it go too long….I also feel bad about that.

anonymous Dec 15, 2014 5:54pm

Life is very busy and struggle

Making a Million of friends

It is not a miracle


Miracle is too

Who is with you

When million are against you.

Thanks and well wish to everybody.

anonymous Dec 15, 2014 9:00am

This article is awesome and spot on! I so needed to read this right now as I'm dealing with the break-up/loss of a 28 year friendship, but it's really unhealthy and time for both of us to move on to happier and healthier relationships and who knows, maybe one day, we can be friends again.

anonymous Sep 11, 2014 7:32am

This is really good to read, i really identify with 2, 4,5, 8,9 and 10 with one particular person. We were VERY close friends, the sort of friend you could tell anything. It wasn't until a major event in my life that the cracks started appearing in this friendship. I didn't see it, until it smacked me in my face unexpectedly, and then it all started to make sense.

We would talk regularly, lived in different states, fly across the country to hang out etc. I settled in one spot, she didn't. I found a boyfriend who became my husband, and as soon as i asked her to be a part of that – she becomes someone else. I mean yell abuses, swear, hysterical crying, to calm, laughing, joking in a matter of 2 minutes. It was out of nowhere. Then writes me that I've hurt her and offended her … umm…. of asking you to be a bridesmaid?
I spent a lot of time re assessing my attitude and behaviour and thoughts towards her and some conflicts, and ran it by others who would easily put me in my place if i was being biased, or not seeing where i was wrong, but no. this just exposed her for what she really is – a jealous, manipulative, narcissistic, self involved hole of a person. Some of the abuse i put up with in hope that she would maybe realise how she is behaving is hurting herself and others was ridiculous in hindsight, but she was my friend, i believed she was worth it.

Then comes the next part- made up, occasionally connect, but not as often as before as she had really broken my trust after our last incident. This time I'm pregnant. I share the news with her, go hang out with her for a few days. Sure enough, another really awesome event in my life and she completely cuts me off. Most of it based on assumption, and really, i had figured she had been looking for an excuse to "break up" for a while.

At first i was angry, then sad, and then really not shocked at all. For so long i put up with her crazy BS, but in the end it was really for her to reject me because i no longer pander around her self created dramas in life. I dont pat her on the back when she jumps to conclusions or agree with her when she is being ridiculous. Really it was a toxic friendship, and i wasn't devastated at her ditching me as a friend, i flipped the coin to thank her. It made me realise i no longer need co-dependant people in my life, and that if she pushed me away after searching for an excuse time and time again, really I'm better off without her.

What friend calls you the worst name you can think when you ask her to be a part of your wedding, then cuts you out of her life when you tell her your pregnant? Obviously someone who isn't a friend. What makes it even clearer now is she has started a little business that is an idea i shared with her! To cut me out and steal my business just makes me laugh.

I wish her well on her journey and hope she finds a way out of her destructive way of living and ruining others with her self focused attitudes and behaviour. I think its sad that someone you trust so much can easily break it. Thats the risk of friendship, you never know who will stand the test of time. But the universe is kind enough to lead us forward, and maybe when we don't want to change, or break up with friends… there is a redemptive power in taking a negative situation and using it for your betterment and that of those who TRULY love you.

THANKYOU for sharing this post, even if it is a few years old- it still rings true!!!

anonymous Aug 1, 2014 8:26pm

Thank you for writing this. Having just undergone a devastating “friend breakup,” I cannot begin to express how therapeutic it was to read and identify with each and every one of your points, reaffirming that this is for the best and is a part of life. Thank you for sharing!

anonymous Aug 1, 2014 12:35pm

I'm in the same situation – wanting to break up with a friend – except we work together. Awkward. We were "besties" for many years, but I cannot help someone who cannot help themselves. As a prior post stated – she's just spinning the wheels of life. I need to LIVE, and we're just not on the same page. I feel this is my purpose for coming into her life – as a wake-up call to her. She taught me many things that I am grateful for, but has refused to learn anything from me. My time here is done.

anonymous Apr 13, 2014 1:00pm

I'm part of a little group of girlfriends who have remained close since high school. We won't see each other for years, but we can always come back to each other as though no time has passed & catch up & be silly & goofy & love & support each other through love, careers, etc…. After high school, due to both of us living in the same city, I became particularly close to one of those girls. She considered me one of her closest friends towards the end. Sadly, I didn't reciprocate those feelings.
This friend has the biggest heart. The best sense of humor. She's thoughtful & creative. She's been there for me in some rough spots. I love her dearly & wish her & her family nothing but love & happiness.
With that said, she loves to fight. She loves to pick a fight. She loves to be right. She'll take something said in weak moment & throw it back at you – right in your face – leaving you dumbfounded. If she's not getting her way, you're met with aggression. She can be imposing & negative……all the while throwing Buddhism in your face. My gun-toting Buddhist friend confused me. She wasn't practicing what she preached. The drive to her house was me wondering aloud "what is she going to say this time?!". I wasn't enjoying my friends company anymore & dreading any future meetings.
I wrote a letter explaining how I felt. How I wasn't up for the fight anymore. She made me more anxious than calm. I can't do that anymore. I made a point of not writing from a place of anger.
She expressed how sad she was in her first response. Then after she thought about it, she wrote back that she could only be responsible for what was truly hers & without the specific comments or details, she could not apologize for anything. Which is fine. I wasn't looking for one. But, I'm not going to sit down & re-hash 30 years of behavior. If she can't stand back & take a long look at herself, as I've had to do with myself, and evaluate her behavior in different situations, I'm not going to be the one who points them all out. As I said, I'm not up for the fight anymore….and that's all it would be.
It's been about 3 years now & I feel good about my decision. She blocked me on Facebook because it's too painful to see me & our other friends together in pictures, etc….I hear stuff through the grapevine & know that I made the right decision.

anonymous Mar 9, 2014 6:58pm

In the past few weeks I have been fighting with one of my friends whom I have known since third grade. Up until this past summer we were never BEST friends but somehow we ended up spending all this time together and we got to that point where we acted like sister. I guess that contradicts the fact that we fight since we are technically sisters. Anyways…she got mad at me for talking to one of my other friends about her. To cut the story short…she blew up in my face and didn't talk to me for a good two weeks. It's so hot and cold with her I honestly don't understand why I am friends with her some days. So while this was helpful is it time to let go and hold onto happy memories or try to fix our relationship?

Bt dubs LOVE THIS WEBSITE! It answers life questions 🙂

anonymous Mar 5, 2014 8:18pm

What happens when this toxic person is your sister?

    anonymous Aug 2, 2014 7:17am

    I was looking for the answer to this question, too.

anonymous Mar 5, 2014 2:34pm

How did I know the friendship was over & I’d be better off without a frenemy? We had started as business partners 20 yrs ago. I saw her through a separation, reconciliation, eventual divorce, breast cancer, 7 break ups with the next boyfriend/fiancé, 3 break ups with the one after that, a diagnosis of mental illness of her son, etc, etc, etc…

Then she was the first to give tips to my estranged husband on how Match.com worked followed by a night out with him & a report back to me about how “oddly” everyone assumed they were a couple. In my old hometown while at a bar. I had just filed for divorce & moved my broken heart 3,000 miles away. I called her on her BS & tried to give her the benefit of the doubt since after all, she had been his friend, too. We nearly signed our divorce papers after a year apart but were encouraged by our lawyers to take a step back & be certain. Months later we began reconciling, rebuilding, recreating our 27 yr marriage. My “bestie” SCREAMED at me that I was crazy to reconsider & that I was making a big mistake. My husband has since told me that one of my “friends” would begin sentences to him with “if you ever repeat this I will call you a liar & insist that I never said this BUT… ” Followed by her opinion about everything that was wrong with me. Not hard to figure out who exactly would betray me. My husband & I recently celebrated our 30th anniversary & have never been happier, clearer, more honest & supportive of each other. She recently got married for the third time & it didn’t bother me at all to not be invited.

anonymous Mar 4, 2014 10:04pm

While I appreciate this list, I think it doesn't mean the friendship should be over…but instead time to do some looking inward and if possible time for an intimate conversation.

anonymous Dec 23, 2013 10:40pm

A few years ago I lost a friendship. There was no argument or major event, except for the last time we talked. She was having another crisis and I was really dreading having to spend time fixing it and didn’t want to get involved in her self created drama. It took another close friend of mine to point out how miserable I was with the friendship before I finally told this person ‘no’. I do miss her sometimes, but not enough to reach out. We both let go and knew it was over.

anonymous Dec 15, 2013 8:32am

some of the list applies to one friend, some to another friend. it's refreshing to see this list, read the comments and know that it's okay to end a friendship outright or let it wane. the two friends this resonates most with are people i knew since elementary and middle school, so for a while i felt obligated to keep it alive. i think we're taught that 'friends are forever.' both were considered 'best friends.' but after several years, i realized that we've changed, and i felt that for different reasons for each, they definitely weren't friends that are truly there through the tough times. both my parents are passed. my dad was the latest to pass and the hardest. sure, i got cards, a couple actually called — once. and most all of my 'friends' just didn't get in touch. i received more heartfelt condolences from co-workers. it's as if they expected a grieving person to take the initiative to get together. based on my losses, i have evaluated with my friendships with many and determined that i just can't give the effort i used to into those relationships. as a result, many just vastly waned, not to the point of not being friends at all, but just not getting in touch, or being just facebook friends.

one of my 'best friends' above, we were 'soul sisters.' to this day, she's the friend i felt closest to in life. we both shared tough childhood experiences, so 'she got it.' but, she is the most self-absorbed person i know. although her bi-polar disorder is a part of this, it's not all. she has control over her behaviors. we went through times of losing touch, but once reunited, it was like being with great family. but, she crossed the line eventually related to my family and we both wrote letters bulleting our grievances and wished each other well. that was well over 5 years ago and this past year, she facebook friended me. i hesitated, but accepted, but i only post light thoughts on facebook. so our 'friendship' now is viewing each other's updates. i strongly feel that she owes me an apology, and she hasn't as yet tried to actually write me.

the other friend also shares a birthday with me. we would send cards to each other every year. the same year my dad died, my first b-day without him, i still sent her a card, yet i did not receive one from her. many years earlier my mom died. a few years before my mom died, her husband's father died and she recounted her disappointment and judgment in how one of his great friends just wrote him a letter, no call, etc. well, she did the same to me! wrote a letter, didn't attend the service and never called just to check-in. i was in my late 20s then. i was very hurt and it really was the point i realized that over some years before then, i always felt that i went to her, so to speak. since then, i put less effort into anything with her. since the, she had a couple of kids and expected me to be a part of their life. well, if she was a true friend when my mom died, perhaps i would have been that 'auntie'. really, since my mom died, we've kept in touch vaguely, but i admit that i was kind of pushing her away. she always had a hard time 'talking' about feelings, etc. and i'm the opposite. i think i felt security in her family when we were 'best friends', and as we get older we grow into ourselves. we're just different and she frankly disappointed me with her lack of caring during tough times. i've had many more than her in life, but i've gotten the feeling that she's angry at me because of her inability to open a conversation. well, she moved recently, i asked for her address, which never got. so, unless i get an xmas card from her, i won't be sending her one. what's really perplexing to me is that as recently as the last year, she's called me a 'good' friend, i.e. thinking that she's a good friend. no, she has not been.

i've been told this by people and feel its true, that i give a lot to people. somewhat after the death of my mom, based on what kind of support i received, i left some friendships wane. after my dad's death, i had even less support andlet many others wane as well. i really feel that how a friend supports another in a loss is a very good determinator of what kind of friend someone really is. many didn't make the cut for me. i am lonely, but i'm an introvert, so the only fulfilling relationships are those that i feel a real connection with. i've always been that way. i'd rather be alone than in bad company. and, i am a good friend when you first meet me and stay that way, unless you demonstrate that you are not.

anonymous Nov 30, 2013 8:57pm

The last friend breakup I had came because – she never had time for me. Despite enlisting me as the "best friend" and maid of honor at her weddings (twice!)… when it comes down to it, she never had time to get to know me. She just had me acting 'a role'. When she had a kid a few years ago it was a) just one more reason she didn't have time for me 2) one more way in which she expected me to jump head-first into a new 'role' in her life (that of 'auntie') & I said 'no thanks'. Sounds harsh, because I do have a general love for people, but – it was her decision to have a child, not mine. I am not the parent. (I also live in another city) Time came to focus on my own life, instead of always kow-towing to hers, because she supposedly has it more 'together' & – what? – deserves to be placed on a higher pedestal? I knew I would never get *my own* life together if I kept putting my energies into hers, comparing my life to hers, spending time sorting out the hurt feelings I felt coming away from our talks feeling unheard & misunderstand…. "This is my 'best friend'?" I had to ask myself? Eventually, inevitably realized – no it's not! It's my former best friend! A true best friend has time for you, makes you feel good – most of the time at least. Plus, I needed to simplify. Reclaim & re-harness my energies away from old obligations. So yeah… thanks for this article. Happens to most of us at one point or another I suppose.

anonymous Nov 30, 2013 3:20pm

I recently ended a friendship that had been on life support for about a year. My former best friend was a gifted therapist and began seeing an acquaintance of both of us as a client. Several weeks into therapy, my friend says she is in live with the client and has felt more alive the past few weeks than ever before in her life. Two problems here – the obvious ethical violation of becoming romantically involved with a client; and the second is that my friend was already in a committed relationship and living with someone. She broke the news to her current spouse who was completely blindsided, and then was dissatisfied with how long it was taking her then spouse to move out. My friend then did something so out of character for her that I couldn’t get past it: she moved her client/lover into the home she was still sharing with her spouse. I tried to love her thru this, but I no longer recognized my friend. And the drama her new lover appeared to love creating was too much for me to deal with. I tried talking to my friend and she could not/would not hear what I was saying. My friend became defensive, saying none of her other friends had the concerns I did, and perhaps I was the one with the problem. It was then I knew I had to make a clean break. It was so hard to see her make choices that could hurt hurt her professionally and personally but I finally realized I couldn’t help her if she didn’t want help. I ended it and asked that neither she nor her partner ever contact me again. An ending to a very sad story – at least for me.

anonymous Nov 30, 2013 2:45pm

i guess i can see it… if the person changes to someone you don't recognize, or treats you in an outright hostile way, i can understand needing space, and sometimes friendships just fade away mutually.

but, echoing a minority of commenters, i don't believe in "dumping" friends when things get tough. don't people have a sense of loyalty, and i don't know, sentimentality? once i've become close to someone, i can't help but remember the good parts of the relationship. i vote for maintaining friendships, or making an effort to at the very least.

anonymous Nov 30, 2013 8:16am

I’m going through this currently and don’t even know why. One of my best friends moved to Texas this year. This is the same year that I lost my 15 year job, got divorced and lost my mom to breast cancer. Now that she’s in another state, I rarely hear from her. She comes into town and I’m excluded from events where our other friends get together to see her. I’ve asked if I’ve done something – she claims I haven’t. I really don’t understand it. I’m trying to just let it go but I have a hard time with that.

    anonymous Nov 30, 2013 9:44pm

    So sorry to hear about this. It is very hard to lose a good friend when you need them most. Unfortunately, some people just aren't good at being around grief and loss. I'm guessing you're being excluded because your former friends just want to have "fun" and don't know how to be supportive around your pain. Although it hurts to be abandoned, I hope you can see that if you can't trust them to be there for you through the worst of it, they aren't really your friends.

    I hope you have some good friends you can turn to during these rough times. And I hope that these rough times will help you sort out the wheat from the chaff. Usually a few keepers emerge during trying times, and these will likely be friends for life, especially if you return the favor in their darkest hour.

anonymous Nov 30, 2013 7:57am

This is exactly how I feel about my in laws.

anonymous Nov 30, 2013 7:18am

I had to end one friendship after I brought up to a friend that I was feeling used. Instead of talking about it he freaks out, ends the friendship, says he knew this was coming and it was all my fault. I felt devestated and confused at the swiftness of it all and the defensiveness. We became friends after that with him apologizing but the trust was dead. A few weeks later we get into another argument and I decide to let it go. Once I said my goodbye I felt an enormous sense of relief and I was sure that this relationship was not right for me.

anonymous Nov 29, 2013 3:44pm

I had a friend who I let go, at one point in our relationship she was a rock to me, but then all of that started to fade after I saw a glimpse of her true colors after a concert one night. I was really hurt by how she treated me that night and like Pandora’s box, once it’s opened it cant be closed! Now I realize I was merely there for her as friend, babysitter, cook, shoulder to cry on but not there for me in a positive way at all! So after some more lies and selfish behavior I deleted her, yep pretty immature, i know but at least I can admit it. Also I knew it would take something radical to get her to realize how selfish she was being but unfortunately that message or notion, slipped right passed her ego and now I realize it was the best move for me as I know my worth and in the right relationships, m an amazing friend! I got to cleanse and it actually felt quite liberating to be rid of negative energy 🙂

anonymous Nov 29, 2013 2:49pm

I was dumped, it didn’t make sense to me at the time but bit by bit I’m piecing it together!

I had a jealous friend, it’s all very complicated ( isn’t it always?!) she ended up marrying my sisters ex boyfriend….and couldn’t stand me as the constant reminder of my sister. Now I realise our friendship was very delicate for many years I just never saw a reason to fully let her go.

Jealousy has made her a very bitter & angry person. I feel on the other hand released & happy. Don’t get me wrong there are some moments that I miss her, or want to share things with her. But mainly I’m very grateful she let go

anonymous Nov 1, 2013 9:27am

Friends are fickle the majority of the time. They want to be around for the good times and laughter only and get "stressed" when someone dumps a problem on their shoulder! I guess, everything depends on what is happening in a person's life at the time, as to whether a friendship sustains or not! A true friend is someone who is there during the good and bad moments, however, these are hard to find… and they do not tire and quit when the shit hits the fan, metaphorically speaking! Many people misunderstand the word "acquaintance" for the word "friend"… and many people misunderstand the meaning of the word "friend" for "a ride"… I prefer a very limited amount of "friends" – because I know that they are truly worthy of being called a "friend". Acquaintances are like ships that go by in the night… they come and go, after they have seen what they could get from you and what they didn't!

    anonymous Jan 3, 2015 2:38pm

    I agree, friends and acquaintances are very different.

anonymous Mar 8, 2013 8:14am


I'm someone who has always had issues with starting relationships and keeping them going. Somehow, I feel like I'm a half-and-half type of person who loves to talk with people and have fun and support them too when they need it– I do that at times. Other times, I just feel like I have to be alone for some reason. I hate it. I don't feel normal and two dear relationships that ended terribly on my part and also their parts, left me in shambles with people and with relationships. It was not until last year that I met a boy who made me feel better over the loss of my ex (who was one of those people). I lost the feelings towards my ex as soon as I met him and realized after a few years that I'm much happier without him (because of all those 10 reasons above). I was trying to save a blinded relationship for so long. In my point of view of him, he didn't really realize what he was doing to me sometimes and also on my part, intensity, grudges and sensitivity just rose up from the ground out of nowhere … which was sad because he was a nice person most of the time. We just didn't click most of the time and he had grown a wall between me and him which was worse for us as "friends."

I don't really need him in life and that's okay, I hope I will be good and well-off without him and I know he will be well-off without me too. As for my other friend, I don't know why I just can't let go. I know that things wouldn't be the same if we reconnected and it is impossible for me at this point. We tried to "patch things up" again a few months ago and that ended terribly for me because it just wasn't "peaceful" inside of my soul at all. I lost it the next day after that and ended things with my ex from further being friends (they were involved together (not romantically, just on each others' sides together, which made things worse).

I've gone to a psychiatrist before for the needed help and for some inner realization to achieve peace, but it didn't help. I don't have a boyfriend at the moment and I love that boy that I've met and I feel like we can keep having a strong bond but other external things get in the way and it's not on my part, it's on his part. I just don't know what to do anymore– I just wish I didn't have to remember my friend (not the ex) anymore and have that peace in my soul and heart. I think of her constantly almost every day.

I suck at relationships. lol

anonymous Jan 24, 2013 11:14pm

Great post, thank you for this. Ending a friendship can be as traumatic and healing as ending any toxic relationship. I ended a friendship of 15 years. When contempt becomes the norm, and "walking on eggshells" is common, it is time to let it go… my wake-up was an argument about the meaning of the word "acceptance". Talk about irony.

anonymous Jan 21, 2013 12:52pm

I was recently dumped by a 'friend' of 8+ years. What is sad is this all came about due to extreme jealousy on her end. I was not forthright about a planned trip I was leaving on because I knew what her reaction would be: negativity, sacasm, cold shoulder, jealously and nasty rude comments, as I had experienced it all before.

I tried to apologize for the clear fact I was not forthright with her, I tried calling and texting for over a week with no response, I sent one last message and received a response that she was to busy to deal with me and she was moving on, but she still wanted to get together, I told her we needed to talk yet it was always only when she was available. I was the last to make contact (and was the only one to initiate contact repeatedly) and she chose to never respond.

I have had time to reflect and my feelings are very raw. I am angry for being treated as if I am disposable, I am sad that I invested time in someone I felt was a true friend only to realized the contrary and ultimately I am frustrated with myself that I continued to give to this relationship only to realize how one sided it truly was. I have allowed myself to feel the range of emotions and I am letting the friendship go and moving onward.

Now that it is all said and done, I am grateful I can see the bright side, that I have decided to leave it be and not continue to be the one reaching out to make everything okay because someone else is so unhappy. I am done walking on eggshells and have a life to live.

anonymous Sep 11, 2012 1:05pm

Perfect timing, went through this a few days ago and a month ago with some toxic "friends", good reminder of quality over quantity.

anonymous Aug 9, 2012 4:10pm

Jeannette brings up a very valid point. Friendship is a two way street. When either party is only ever taking and not giving it's inevitable that it will fail. Relationship is about unconditional presence and acceptance…as well as fun, encouragement, love, inspiration, shelter…if a friend is behaving badly we cannot simply write it off on them. How are we participating in the dynamic? Co-dependent? Passive agressive? Are we only looking for our own validation or are we sensitive to their need for support? A lack of communication is just another way of saying no one was listening.

anonymous Aug 9, 2012 3:13pm

I am in the midst of a "slow release" of a 10+ year friendship. In her defense, she hasn't changed. I just can't deal with her selfishness anymore. I'm always there for her, no matter what she needs, no matter how big the favor. She is NEVER there for me, no matter how small the favor. It hurts because she has so many other good qualities, but I just have to accept her for who she is. She's never going to change. I've decided I just have to distance myself and not let her needs take over my life any more. It's all very sad.

anonymous Aug 9, 2012 3:03pm

Great post!!! 🙂 thanks for confirming I'm not the only one out there deciding to 'break up' friendships for those reasons.

anonymous May 17, 2012 6:42am

[…] I’m So Glad We’re Not Friends Anymore. […]

anonymous May 9, 2012 9:19pm

It has never occurred to me to end a friendship, although some have naturally faded away in what was probably a healthy way. But I was dumped recently, and it really threw me for a loop.

It wasn't ugly, but rather silent. I felt it happening for a long time, and finally (once I got over the fear) I asked her why. She told me that, since my father had passed away, she had grown tired of watching me spin my wheels, disgusted by my inability to finish anything I started, weary of "keeping up the charade". And I was deeply hurt, not only because the friendship was over, but because she could not see — or at least did not have compassion enough to tolerate — the fact that I was suffering from the biggest, most shocking loss of my life. She could not have patience for my healing process, which, admittedly, has led me to flounder. A lot. But she lost respect for me when my humanity showed its ugly face, and I realized that what I had lost was not a friend at all.

Which is not to say I felt relief. On the contrary, it felt like a tremendous loss. I think that consciously abandoning a friendship is a weird practice, although I do understand why it can be necessary (especially after reading some of the comments posted here). Reading this list, I see that she may have identified with several of these things, and what hurt me the most was that she felt this way BECAUSE I needed friendship and support. She took my deepest pains and regrets, about which I had confided in her alone, and turned them against me. Maybe I should have been the one to end the friendship? I don't think it would have crossed my mind, even if I were confused by her behavior. But I suppose, now that some time has passed, that if someone I trusted could identify that she was unable or unwilling to stick with me through a hard time, that I appreciate her bowing out. I might have been too blinded by my own grief to recognize that I needed to let it go, and she did me somewhat of a favor there. I'd rather invest in friendships that are true.

    anonymous Mar 22, 2015 12:28am

    I've only been through 1 friendship break up and I felt it happening for a long time as well. It started out minor with things like snide remarks about other friends, exes or family members, and eventually me, bringing up past mistakes I'd made, not being happy for me when I got a new partner, new job, new car, etc. The last straw was a confrontation very similar to the one you describe. My dad had passed away a couple of years prior to our "come to Jesus" meeting and I had only been sober (pain meds) for a couple of years as well. She basically told me the same thing you were told. I found it sort of ironic that some of the things she threw in my face could have been settled or at least further along the process of being settled if she had been a true friend and actively helped me. I learned the same lesson you did. Don't waste time on friendships that are not true. I'd rather have 1 true friend than any number of half way friends.

anonymous May 5, 2012 10:30am

[…] […]

anonymous May 3, 2012 11:41am

About a year ago, I let go of a friend who had been very close to me for about a decade. You could also say she let me go, as well. It was very hurtful for me, and I'm going to guess it was for her, as well. My decision was based on the fact that the same situation was unfolding between us as it had in the past, and, to maintain our relationship, we were going to repeat the same conversation about "when you do X it makes me feel like Y." (For both of us, not just my side of the story) Since this was the third trip down this path, and in the exact same format, I looked at the situation and thought something is clearly broken between us if we both keep ending up here. We tried to patch it up two times previously, but it appeared as though even though we had immense history, and had shared so much in the past, neither of us was willing to put the work into our friendship. We both let go. We never talked about it, and I think about writing her an email, except I don't want the relationship back. Clearly she must feel the same because she has never reached out to me, either. It's a very sad situation. Fortunately I have many other people in my life, but I do still mourn that loss.

anonymous May 3, 2012 11:38am

I agree wholeheartedly! It's completely socially acceptable to walk away from a romantic relationship but perhaps less so a friendship. It's so cliche but I truly believe that some relationships are for a lifetime and some for just a season. I have been accused of walking away too easily but I disagree, I think I put my all into all of my relationships and when they quit working I think it's good self-care to exit gracefully in order to open the space for a new relationshp to blossom. Sometimes someone gets hurt in the process but that is sometimes just an unfortunate side effect of being human and having relationships with other humans.

anonymous May 3, 2012 11:36am

Yes. I've been there and done that. A couple of years ago I went through 3 separate instances when the friendship was over. All those reasons apply in at least one situation and, in the end, it was my own badmouthing of these people that got me in gear and got me to make the cut. I've not spoken with any of these women since the break and it's perhaps for the best because, somehow, I am the bad guy in every instance or so they would have me believe. Does it make me the bad guy if I end a relationship that is stressful and sometimes painful and emotionally draining for both of us?

anonymous May 1, 2012 10:56am

Thanks for this wonderful blog Tanya!

If someone can't stand to see you happy or doing well, they aren't much of a friend.

Over the past year, I've had to part ways with a few people who were energy vampires (always taking from me and seldom giving anything back) or frenemies who pretend to be your pal but are actually looking for any opportunity to undermine you or stab you in the back. Doing a friend cleanse is a very healthy thing to do!

anonymous Apr 30, 2012 6:58pm

I had a terrible breakup with someone who had been one of my best friends for about 10 years. It had just gotten to the point where it was miserable to be around her…I spend my counseling sessions dealing with issues around this friend/roommate. My counselor asked one day "If this were a marriage rather than a friendship, where do you think this marriage is?" My immediate answer was "If things don't change, we are headed for divorce." And divorce we did. I lost custody of some friends, she lost custody of others. It was incredibly hard, and it wasn't pretty…I have to admit I wasn't very kind at the end. I snapped. Sometimes I still miss her, because it had been a really good friendship for a while. Even when I miss her, I remind myself that it's for the best, and those good times are gone forever. Sad. But life moves on. I still have a number of amazingly close friends , and we're happier now than ever.

    anonymous Sep 11, 2014 5:28am

    Yep I know exactly how you feel, we were best mates from grade 5, besties for 21 years but everything just seemed to be a competition about everything, including our kids, partners, houses. In the end we just both lost it at each other and said things that were very hurtful and can never be taken back 🙁 I miss her terribly though, especially her children but we had just grown away from each other and in the end cutting all ties was the best thing.

anonymous Apr 30, 2012 2:29pm

Wow, that applies to so many relationships in the last 10 yrs. Lately it's been spring cleaning….Life is too short to have negativity coming from friends or family. If you are feeling that much negativity then that is not a friend or a family member. There should be a balance of positive and negative. And, not a feeling like you can not wait to run!

anonymous Apr 30, 2012 3:11am

Yes, been through the same experience a couple of times. The main reason was these ex-friends made me very unhappy, uncomfortable and sad. What's the point of staying friends if the other one was bringing you down

    anonymous Apr 30, 2012 12:48pm

    Agreed!! And, sometimes when you feel you don't have anyone else to turn to, you stay, at least I've done that before.

anonymous Apr 30, 2012 2:39am

SOOOO relevant to me right now. I recently ran into someone I had cut out of my life and just didn't know what to do or say. I don't want to hurt her but she keeps trying to insist that we still hang out and refuses to accept my "breakup" with her. She had gone out of her way to come speak to me. At least half of the ten points apply to us, and she has this problem with a lot of her friendships, but doesn't get it. I needed this.

    anonymous Apr 30, 2012 12:47pm

    Totally been there! Did you made the break-up obvious or was it more of a slow release type of thing?

anonymous Apr 29, 2012 2:42pm

I've been through each one of the points on this list… (maybe even as we speak). What I've noticed is that it's rarely just one thing, but they usually compliment each other and most of them happen at the same time… I do fight it at first. But there's that moment (painful more than anything) when the sad break-up light turns on—then you just flight…

Friendship is the center of every type of relationship (including couples & family). Not all of them may not start with a friendship, but they have to get there to continue and last.

But… even after the "flight" response, as a dear singer-songwriter friend of mine says in a song, "Nothing's forever, not even goodbye."

    anonymous Apr 30, 2012 12:49pm

    Love it, Andrea. You just brought me back home with that last quote. Thanks bella. xoxoxo

anonymous Apr 29, 2012 10:19am

love you sug!

anonymous Apr 28, 2012 10:54pm

I completely agree with the necessity of surrounding yourself with positive relationships, but what about when we are talking about family relationships, not friendships?

This is my current dilemma and the main prevailing source of stress throughout my whole life, I just am not sure how to approach the issue with the person/people or even if it is my place to say something. If I have a problem with their attitudes and behaviours and the way those things make me feel, should I just distance myself? That is what I have been doing but now the relationship is disjointed but still present which has made things worse I think…

Unhealthy relationships suck. lol

    anonymous Apr 29, 2012 6:04am

    Ugh—I feel you on this!! Yes, is there actually a way that you can make some physical and emotional distance from them? We can't really break up with our family, but we can totally make awesome boundaries that work for us. xoxoxoxoxo

      anonymous Nov 30, 2013 11:06am

      I have this in my life. I requested space so I could figure those boundaries out. That time with my space helped me dig deep and soul search. Yes, they didn’t take space well but a few months later and we are on talking terms. I know my limits better. Maybe things haven’t changed with them but I certainly have become more comfortable with my decisions:). Best of luck on your journey. Just follow your heart, the one thing you can always count on.

    anonymous Nov 11, 2014 12:21am

    some days I have grief days. I think of all the friends I have lost, not one big offense but a million little ones, someone said. I hurt less about the actual loss then I hurt about the mystery, the mystery of the loss, the verdant cry, WHY. Most people that are moving away from you , don't want to say why, it as if I don't deserve even an explanation. I was having a day like that today, realizing I need to get better at letting go. one of my friends did tell my why she wanted nothing to do with me, she attributed it to some unthinking stupid thing I wrote on facebook. It was devastating but was also a relief – she had such moral authority in life, I admired that. I was never that sure about anything and reality just did not appear to be so black and white. So I gave more energy to my friend Diane who is and was incredible kind and forgiving for I can be a weird friend, but we get each other. So maybe I need a ritual , something we do as a group to let go of all these dead relationships, appreciate what we gave to it, what they gave to us and now its time to put it on a little boat and let it drift away, or something like that. I need a ritual, I have a pretty tough time letting go.

    anonymous Dec 15, 2014 10:02pm

    Family has the same standards as friendships. Sometimes you must break up with family members as well. No special passes for shared DNA.

anonymous Apr 28, 2012 6:54pm

Heartbroken that I’ve lost a friendship/relationship because of all of the above. Communication breakdown, the culprit.