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May 22, 2012

A Donation Request to My Fellow 1 Percenters (A Satire). ~ Jeff Fulmer

 

Photo: DonkeyHotey

Let’s face it. The recession has been brutal on all of us.

My annual bonus has been stuck in the six figures for the last couple of years. High six figures, but still, it’s hard to maintain five staffed homes on that pittance. Most of us have had to make painful sacrifices. We’ve put our Palm Beach home on the market, where it’s languished with nary the whiff of a decent offer. And don’t even get me started on the price of jet fuel. Talk about soaring! But, as bad as things are, they could be worse.

If Obama wins re-election, our beloved Bush tax cuts will likely expire. You’ll hear our critics cry that eliminating those tax cuts on anyone making over $250,000 will reduce the deficit by about a trillion dollars over the next decade. However, remember those increases will be taking the same trillion dollars out of our pockets! And that would only be the beginning.

Obama and the traitorous Warren Buffett have tried to push a new radical rule that would force anyone making over two million a year to pay at least 30 percent in taxes. Thanks to our Republican friends in the Senate, that bill was stopped before it could gather any real momentum. Apparently, Obama and Buffett don’t know the first rule of economics: All growth starts at the top and trickles down from there.

Now the good news! We have a candidate in Mitt Romney who represents us because he is one of us. For starters, Mitt would make the Bush tax cuts permanent. But he wouldn’t stop there. He’s already said he would repeal the Alternative Minimum Tax and do-away with the estate tax on anyone with over $5 million. He’ll ax income tax an additional 20 percent and slash corporate taxes. It’s estimated that the top one percent of earners should expect additional tax reductions an average of $150,000 a year. I don’t know about you, but I can respect a man who manages to pay 13.9 percent on a twenty million dollar income.

With Mitt, not only can we ensure and enrich our way of life, we can also take the offensive again! We can roll-back programs like Affordable Healthcare, Medicare and social security and get back to gutting those pesky agencies like the SEC and the EPA. Along with Republican governors and state legislators, we can crush the worker’s right to organize, further setting capitalism free to fly unfettered by government restraint. In short, we can get back on track, where George W. Bush left off.

While the other side may have the numbers, we have several advantages that should give us cause for optimism. For one thing, our good old friends at the GOP have also been busy paving the way on the local level. Requiring photo IDs, reducing early voting periods, and passing restrictions on registration drives will help tamp down voter turn-out. As we all know, democracy is a dangerous business, and the more we whittle down the voters in the bottom 90 percent, the better off we’ll all be.

Don’t let our small size discourage you. While we may only be one percent of the population, we control almost 40 percent of the country’s assets! We already own half the nation’s stocks, bonds, and mutual funds! If we count the top 10 percent, we already control 70 percent of the nation’s wealth! So don’t let anyone tell you we’re the underdogs in this fight. Never before has there been such a concentration of wealth in the hands of the few, with the exception of the late 1920s, a truly golden age for the one percent.

We also have friends in high places. The Supreme Court has given the corporation his much deserved equal rights as a citizen. Now we are free to contribute unlimited amounts of money to Mitt through Super PACs, like “Restore Our Future” or Karl Rove’s “GPS Crossroads,” which has already raised $100 million. You can even make your donations anonymously, so there are no excuses. Several hedge fund managers have already donated $1 million each. Thanks a million guys, literally. Just remember, whatever you put in, you’ll be getting back many times over in the years to come.

Mitt is already uniting this country—from penthouses in New York to cattle ranches in Texas to chalets in Colorado to seaside mansions in Florida, there is a groundswell of support across this great land for our man Mitt! This is a historic election and it is imperative that we elect someone who will preserve our way of life. With Mitt, we may end up owning 100 percent of all the nation’s assets, creating a reservoir of unprecedented wealth that will flow down to everyone else. You see, when Mitt wins, we all win.

Jeff Fulmer lives in Nashville Tennessee and is the author of the blog and the book Hometown Prophet If God spoke through a prophet today, would we really want to hear what he has to say?   For more information, visit the Hometown Prophet website.   He welcomes followers on Twitter and likes on Facebook.

 

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Editor: Seychelles Pitton / Brianna Bemel

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